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‘Everybody Hates Being Cool’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Being Cool

319. Everybody Hates Being Cool

Aired April 27, 2008

When Chris tries to act like a cool kid by carrying around cigarettes, he gets suspended from school. Meanwhile, Rochelle is angry with Julius for holding on to a coat an ex-girlfriend gave him.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I knew nothing about being cool, I decided to consult with the coolest guy I knew to find out his secrets.
Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street. Let me hold a dollar.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Julius!
Julius: What's going on?
Rochelle: This is what's going on. You told me you were going to get rid of that years ago. Instead you just hid it from me?
Julius: It wasn't hid.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, it was.
Rochelle: It was underneath your camouflage jacket. It was camouflaged!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now before you go getting all upset, in 1986, almost everybody smoked. People didn't give a damn about health. Here's a partial list of things in this picture that people didn't know where dangerous. No sunscreen. Carcinogenic hair gel. Trans fats. And high fructose corn syrup. Eventually, all these people died horribly, but while they lived, they were cool.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Greg: Chris gave it to me.
Ms. Morello: Chris? I'm so disappointed in you. I know that nicotine, pork rinds and malt liquor are the Black man's vices...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You forgot White women.
Ms. Morello: ...but why infect Gregory?

Quote from Greg

Chris: I'm a lookout. And if the cops come, I'm supposed to blow this whistle.
Greg: Dude, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact.
Chris: I know. I don't even want to be here. But I'm kind of stuck.
Greg: You got to think about this, Chris. My uncle was a lookout one time, and he ended up getting shot in the throat.
Chris: In the throat?
Greg: Yeah, he didn't die, but he ended up wearing a turtleneck for the rest of his life.

Quote from Jerome

Chris: What do you think makes a guy cool?
Jerome: Cool? Man, nothing makes you cool. You either cool or you're not.
Chris: But what if you're not born cool, and you want to be?
Jerome: Well, the fastest way is to associate yourself with cool people. That way you're cool by association.
Chris: But why would they want to hang with me?
Jerome: Look, man, it starts with attitude, all right? Followed by a little head gear. Accompanied by the walk.
Chris: The walk?
Jerome: Yes, man. All right. The walk. You got to put a lean in your walk, man. You know, like you're slightly bothered by an old gunshot wound to the hip. Like this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Easy for him. He had a gunshot wound to the hip.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Just thought I should tell you about my day.
Chris: What about it?
Tonya: Oh, I just sat around the house by myself, answering phones, taking messages.
Chris: Good for you.
Tonya: Yeah, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Michael, the principal from your school, Daddy...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never underestimate the power of the Devil.
Chris: Wait a minute, did you say the principal from my school?
Tonya: Yeah, you know, they always call when they suspend somebody from school for having cigarettes.
Chris: Did they think you were Ma?
Tonya: I don't know. I just answered the phone and they started talking. You out three days... I guess that's a total of $15.
Chris: What is?
Tonya: Five dollars a day. You know it's going to cost to keep my mouth shut.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The price of being cool was steep, but it beat the price of being beat.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before I went ahead with being a lookout, I got a second opinion from Doc.
Doc: And they want you to be the lookout?
Chris: Yeah, I mean, I don't want to do it, but these kids like me and I've come so far on my coolness. And I'm just the lookout. I can't get in any real trouble.
Doc: Wrong. You don't know nothing about crime, do you? You act as a lookout, while something felonious occurs, that makes you an accessory.
Chris: Yeah, but I'll still be cool, right?
Doc: Wrong again. There are a lot of subheadings to being an accessory. You can be an accessory before the fact. You can be an accessory after the fact. Or you can be an accessory during the fact. In any event, if you get caught, you going to jail.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc spent three to five as an accessory.

Quote from Manny

Manny: You know, you could do this yourself, Julius.
Julius: Yeah, but every time I do, I nick my head.
Manny: You know what's going on? You got a lot of bumps back here, man. Lot of lumps in the back of your head, man. My grandmother used to read these things, man. The configuration is telling me you got a lot of tension.
Julius: Yeah, well, that's true.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At 15, I was sick of being a nerd. When you're a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you, and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention. And I was done with it. From now on, I was going to be cool. Cool guys got everything: girls, cars, girls, money, girls. But what exactly is cool? I tried the surfer look. I tried the superhero look. I tried the cowboy look, but I ended up with the Village People look. No matter what I did, I ended up looking as cool as a fat guy in a sweat suit with a herringbone chain.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, man, did you get shot in the leg?
Chris: No, why?
Greg: 'Cause you're walking like it hurts.
Chris: I'm just trying to be cool.
Greg: It's not working.
Chris: It's not working? Look at you. You look like a powder blue Dean Martin.
Greg: Technically, I look like a powder blue Joey Bishop.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Nah, nah, that's... that's not it at all. All right, look, we definitely gonna have to pull out the big guns on this. Now, the coolest boy in the world right now is LL Cool J.
Chris: And you think you can make me look like him?
Jerome: Let's find out.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Baby, it's a good coat.
Rochelle: Do you remember who gave you this coat?
Julius: I think it was Janet.
Rochelle: You're damn right! So when you told me that you were gonna get rid of it, that means you were lying, so now you're a liar?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes.
Julius: You're acting like you pulled Janet out of the closet. What difference does it make? It's a coat, not a woman. Damn!
Rochelle: So you're telling me you're going to keep the coat, even though I'm telling you I don't want you to keep it?
Julius: Yeah. I see no sane reason to get rid of it, so I'm keeping it.
Rochelle: Okay, fine. Keep the coat, Julius. I hope it keeps you warm.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Takes a brave man to choose a coat over a woman. A brave stupid man.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My brother Drew was so cool, he could do anything. But in the spring of '86, that changed.
Einstein: Here, take this thing away from me.
Drew: What's this?
Einstein: It's evil.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Rubik's Cube. The most diabolical puzzle ever invented. It caused nervous breakdowns, divorces and suicides because it was almost impossible to solve.
Drew: This looks easy.

Quote from Adult Chris

Ms. Morello: Well, I'm sorry, Chris, but you're suspended.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my parents found out, I was finally going to be cool. Cool as a corpse.

Quote from Adult Chris

Julius: What'd you do at school today, Chris?
Chris: Oh, you know, same old, same old.
Tonya: My day was great. We're learning time tables. Today we did fives. Five times one is five, and five times two is ten, and five times three is fifteen.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And five times four is a brick upside your head.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who knew to solve the Rufus Cube, you either had to have the mind of a genius or the liver of Lindsey Lohan.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Not bad. Not bad at all.
Pretty Girl: Hey, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's working already?!
Pretty Girl: Let me hold a dollar.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's my self-respect, too. Keep the change.
Jerome: Well, got to go, little dude from across the street. Stay cool.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Whatever. We need to change our images. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A powder blue totem pole.
Greg: That's true.
Chris: I want to be like them. Tell me why they don't go to school and they don't work, but they have great cars and great girls?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because they're criminals.
Greg: Those are the kids from the arcade. We can't be like them. I mean, those kids have either been suspended, expelled or dropped out of school.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When you're old, that makes you a loser, but when you're young, it gives the illusion of cool.

Quote from Chris

Man: Hey, kid, you got a cigarette?
Chris: No, but I got some gum.
Man: Forget it. [drives off]
Chris: It's spearmint.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And sugar-free.
Greg: I don't think he's listening.
Chris: Well, we learned one thing. Cool guys have cigarettes.

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