Rochelle: You want something to eat?
Julius: Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Rochelle: Well, I have a little time off.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What actually happened was...
[flashback to Rochelle helping a customer when a woman walks over with a pair of shoes:]
Woman: Do you have these in a size eight?
Rochelle: Do you see me helping somebody else? All that hollerin' at people. I do not need this. My man has two jobs. And you ain't no damn eight. Get her an eleven!

Rochelle: Well, who put this pot on the stove?
Drew: Wasn't me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.
[montage:]
Rochelle: Who tore up my back seat?
Drew: Wasn't me.
Julius: Who left my nickel laying out here on the sidewalk?
Drew: Wasn't me.
Rochelle: Who spilt this oatmeal?
Baby Drew: Wasn't me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Would you believe those were his first words?

Rochelle: What, they don't have a phone at Greg's house? Look, I don't care where you are. You be like E.T., you phone home! I need to know where you are, who you're with and what you're doing. How do I know you're not selling drugs? I mean, you could be kingpin of a Colombian drug cartel for all I know.
Chris: I'm not out there selling drugs.
Rochelle: How do I know that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had one goal in life for her kids: don't sell drugs. As long as they weren't doing that, almost everything else was okay.
[fantasy:]
Police Officer #1: Ma'am, your son shot the mayor.
Rochelle: Did he sell drugs?
Police Officer #1: No.
Rochelle: Get in here, boy.
[fantasy:]
Police Officer #2: Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the president and ran a red light.
Rochelle: He ain't sell no drugs, did he?
Police Officer #2: No, ma'am.
Rochelle: Boy, get in here.

Tonya: I want to cut the hair off my doll's head, but I don't want to do it till he gets here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Without me in the house to blame, Tonya actually had to act right.
[cut to Tonya is holding a bowling ball in front of a pile of all the family's china:]
Tonya: Is Chris here yet?
Drew: Nope.
Tonya: Dang!
[cut to Tonya with her goldfish bowl on top of the stove:]
Tonya: Is Chris home yet?
Drew: No.
Tonya: Dang!
[cut to Tonya wearing safety goggles as she holds a power tool against the coffee table:]
Tonya: Is Chris here yet?
Drew: No.
Tonya: Dang!
[present:]
Tonya: I'll sure be glad when Chris gets back.

Greg: I still think having a little brother and sister would be pretty cool. I mean, instead I get toys. I got an Atari.
Chris: Wait, you got an Atari?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Atari was the PlayStation of 1982. We got one in 1994. We didn't get a game till 1997.
Greg: Yep! Just got it!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We didn't have any electronic game, but we had singing into a fan.
[flashback to Chris, Drew and Tonya singing Zapp and Roger's "More Bounce to the Ounce" into a fan]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sometime, my mother would trick us in the work, by pretending we were playing the game.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Who wants to play "Clean up this damn house"?
Kids: Me! Me! Me!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I won the take the garbage out competition four years in a row.

Julius: What is a man doing there 11:00 in the morning? He ain't got no job? $430.
Announcer: [on TV] $430.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessing how much something cost.
Rochelle: How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.
Julius: That's 'cause it costs $430.

Rochelle: Tonya, what is this mess, girl?
Tonya: I was trying to make hot chocolate.
Rochelle: I don't want you fooling around with this hot chocolate again, do you hear me? Now get upstairs before I make your behind hot!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought I'd see George Bush in a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.
Rochelle: And where were you? You're late.
Chris: My bus broke down.
Rochelle: Next time, you better get off and fix it.
Chris: Yes, ma'am.

Chris: Man, it felt so good to see Tonya get in trouble yesterday.
Greg: What'd they do to her?
Chris: My mom knocked all her teeth out.
Greg: Really?
Chris: Nah, she just sent her upstairs to her room, but I wish she would have smacked her teeth out.

Rochelle: [o.s.] Chris?
Tonya: Chris is home!
[Tonya rapidly cuts the hair off her doll]
Rochelle: Is Chris here yet?
Drew: No.
Rochelle: Hmm. Who cut your doll's hair off?
Drew: Wasn't me.

Julius: Chris!
Rochelle: Chris, oh, thank goodness. Are you okay?
Chris: Yeah, I'm okay.
Rochelle: Oh, I'm so happy you're all right. I'm gonna kill you! Where you been, boy?