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‘Everybody Hates Malvo’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Malvo

205. Everybody Hates Malvo

Aired October 30, 2006

When Chris is held at gun point while looking after Doc's store, he is too scared to reveal the identity of the robber. Meanwhile, Julius gets the family a Betamax.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, everybody. I got a surprise. A Betamax.
Drew: Didn't they stop making those?
Julius: They sure did. That's how I got it for half off.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only time my father ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: I asked for a sewing-machine! What the hell is this?
Julius: A loom.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: What is that?
Julius: A Stove.
Rochelle: Well, if that's a stove, where's the witch?
[flashback:]
Rochelle: I asked for a car. What the hell is this?
Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick. [An Asian man waves]

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Quote from Doc

Doc: Now, come on, let's finish up these sketches.
Chris: Yeah, so, how did you learn to do this anyway?
Doc: I started painting nude portraits to meet chicks. Then I got good at it.
Chris: A little darker under the eyes.
Doc: Okay. Now, is that him?
Chris: Yeah, that's him.
Doc: Chris, that's Al Jarreau. Come on now, you got to focus. Every time we do this, it comes out different. Now, first time, this one looked like... Yeah, ain't that look like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? And that's George Jefferson. And ain't that Lionel Richie? Come on Chris. Let's just start over.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: What?
Rochelle: "I'm just trying to tape my stories, blah, blah, blah." Julius, she's eleven, she made a mistake.
Julius: So what? Now, I can't get mad? You get mad all the time!
Rochelle: Exactly. But everybody's used to it. If I did half the things I threaten to do, don't you think I would have been in jail a long time ago?
[fantasy: Rochelle is in a prison cell with another woman:]
Prisoner: What are you in for?
Rochelle: Knocking my kids nostrils off.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wasn't going to be easy telling my father I'd lost my first job. He was still working on the first job he ever had.
[Julius is on a child's bicycle as he delivers newspapers:]
Woman: Thanks, Julius.
Julius: See you later, Miss Wilson. [bicycle bell rings]

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father was done being mad at Tonya, but she had just started getting mad at him.
Julius: You want some ice-cream?
Tonya: No.
Rochelle: You want some ice-cream, baby?
Tonya: Yes, mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew he had to do something or this will go on forever.
[fantasy: an elderly Julius is hooked up to a drip with a heartbeat monitor at his side:]
Julius: Can you plug-in my heart?
Middle-aged Tonya: No. And if you ask me again, I'm gonna turn off your stories.
Julius: You smell ice-cream?

Quote from Doc

Doc: I knew it, I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have left. Twenty two years, I've never left that cashier's alone with anyone else. Yeah, yeah. Since the store opened. And the one day I do, I get robbed.
Chris: Sorry Doc, I was going to hit with the bamboo stick but he took it.
Doc: Chris, look, it's not your fault. He had a gun. I much rather you get robbed than shot. My pickled eggs. He took my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Quote from Chris

Police Officer: May I talk to you a minute son? Can you give me a description of the guy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, he's the kind of guy that kills you if you describe him to the police.
Police Officer: What did he look like?
Chris: I was pretty scared, I don't really remember much.
Police Officer: You remember anything, what color clothing he had on. Was he tall?
Chris: Short.
Police Officer: Thin?
Chris: Fat.
Police Officer: Dark?
Chris: Light.
Police Officer: Thanks. If we get any leads, we'll let you know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, considering I just described Mini-Me.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Bosco, I hear you got a Betamax?
Chris: Yeah, so?
Joey Caruso: I got a movie for you. A comedy.
Chris: Birth of a Nation?
Joey Caruso: It's a classic. Hilarious. You'll love it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Couldn't be any worse than Soul Plane.

Quote from Doc

Doc: I won't be gone long. Don't take any bills over twenty dollars. And count the change out loud. Lick your fingers, make sure your bills don't stick. There's a bamboo stick under the counter in case anybody give you any trouble.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like who? A panda?
Doc: Bam! Boo. Got it?
Chris: Got it.

Quote from Doc

Doc: Are you keeping out of trouble?
Malvo: I'm trying to. Man, I heard y'all got robbed.
Doc: Yeah. That fool got twelve dollars, and my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Quote from Drew

Chris: I got fired.
Drew: Why? 'Cause you got robbed?
Chris: 'Cause I didn't tell who robbed me.
Drew: Well, who robbed you?
Chris: I'm not gonna tell.
Drew: Man, you lost your job? Wait till Dad finds out. All he's been doing, lately, is bragging about you working. I mean, he was so happy! He's gonna be sad now. I bet he was telling everybody at his job how proud he was of you. He's gonna be so embarrassed. He'll never be able to let that down. I mean, you lost your first job! I mean, I can't believe it. Just glad it wasn't me.
Chris: Thank you. A lot.

Quote from Doc

Doc: Hey, where are you going with my quarters?
Police Officer: It's evidence now. Stand back, sir.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc never did, get his quarters back. Later that year, the Bed-Stuy Police Department won a video game tournament.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Working at Doc's corner store was pretty easy. I stocked shelves, I delivered groceries.
Doc: Hurry up, Chris, and don't let her ice-cream melt.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even made pickled eggs. About the only work Doc never let me do was work the register.
Doc: Chris? Listen here. I have to go and do something, I have to leave for about an half an hour.
Chris: Ok, I'll help you lock-up.
Doc: Oh, we're not locking-up. I want you to stay here. You think you can handle the register while I'm gone?
Chris: For real? Where are you going?
Doc: I got to go to the bank.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since Doc didn't leave the store during business hours, he never got to go the bank. I never knew where he kept his money.
[fantasy: Doc at the bank with his mattress:]
Doc: That will be a deposit.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That mattress was his wallet.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: What's going on?
Drew: Dad gets a Betamax.
Rochelle: Julius, what do we supposed to do without the tapes?
Julius: I got a bunch of blank tapes with it. They were practically giving them away.
Rochelle: Probably throwing them away.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: I'm going to record Billy Ocean videos.
Drew: And I'm going to record Knight Rider.
Rochelle: Well, what are you going to record baby?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The 700 Club. So I can pray not to get robbed again.
Chris: I don't know, maybe Rocky?
Julius: Y'all can do whatever y'all want as long as I can record my stories.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, my father could catch up on his sleep and The Young and the Restless.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, Chris. I brought you some old movies we had left over. I got Sharky's Machine and Young Frankenstein.
Chris: What's that?
Greg: It's a Mel Brooks movie, it's hilarious.
Chris: Thanks.
Greg: No problem. We were using them as doorstops.

Quote from Doc

Malvo: So, who's this?
Doc: That's my helper, Chris. Chris, say hi to Malvo.
Chris: Hi.
Malvo: Hi.
Doc: Yeah, he was here when it happened. He's helping me out with the sketch of the guy who did it.
Malvo: Oh, yeah? Chris saw who did it, huh? Let me see that.
Doc: Yeah, this is the latest.
Malvo: Man, that's Al Jarreau. I know his record sales are down, but I don't think he'd be robbing no store.

Quote from Doc

Chris: Doc? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Doc: I don't know if you can. But you may.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Tonya? [Tonya turns away in her bed] Listen the other day, I didn't mean to holler at you. I was upset. I was looking forward to seeing my stories. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but my feelings were hurt too.
Tonya: I didn't mean to do it.
Julius: I didn't mean to yell at you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't mean to do a lot of things, but that never stopped my father for smacking me upside the head.
Tonya: I'm sorry.
Julius: Me too. [they hug]

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Why do you watch soap operas, anyway?
Julius: What?
Tonya: Isn't daytime TV for women?
Julius: Um... We'll talk about that another time. All right?
Tonya: Okay.

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