Julius: Hey, everybody. I got a surprise. A Betamax.
Drew: Didn't they stop making those?
Julius: They sure did. That's how I got it for half off.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only time my father ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: I asked for a sewing-machine! What the hell is this?
Julius: A loom.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: What is that?
Julius: A stove.
Rochelle: Well, if that's a stove, where's the witch?
[flashback:]
Rochelle: I asked for a car. What the hell is this?
Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick. [An Asian man waves]

Doc: Now, come on, let's finish up these sketches.
Chris: Yeah, so, how did you learn to do this anyway?
Doc: I started painting nude portraits to meet chicks. Then I got good at it.
Chris: A little darker under the eyes.
Doc: Okay. Now, is that him?
Chris: Yeah, that's him.
Doc: Chris, that's Al Jarreau. Come on now, you got to focus. Every time we do this, it comes out different. Now, first time, this one looked like... Yeah, ain't that look like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? And that's George Jefferson. And ain't that Lionel Richie? Come on Chris. Let's just start over.

Julius: What?
Rochelle: "I'm just trying to tape my stories, blah, blah, blah." Julius, she's eleven, she made a mistake.
Julius: So what? Now, I can't get mad? You get mad all the time!
Rochelle: Exactly. But everybody's used to it. If I did half the things I threaten to do, don't you think I would have been in jail a long time ago?
[fantasy: Rochelle is in a jail cell with another woman:]
Prisoner: What are you in for?
Rochelle: Knocking my kids' nostrils off.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wasn't going to be easy telling my father I'd lost my first job. He was still working on the first job he ever had.
[Julius is on a child's bicycle as he delivers newspapers:]
Woman: Thanks, Julius.
Julius: See you later, Miss Wilson. [bicycle bell rings]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father was done being mad at Tonya, but she had just started getting mad at him.
Julius: You want some ice-cream?
Tonya: No.
Rochelle: You want some ice-cream, baby?
Tonya: Yes, mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew he had to do something or this will go on forever.
[fantasy: an elderly Julius is hooked up to a drip with a heartbeat monitor at his side:]
Julius: Can you plug-in my heart?
Middle-aged Tonya: No. And if you ask me again, I'm gonna turn off your stories.
Julius: You smell ice-cream?

Doc: I knew it, I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have left. Twenty two years, I've never left that cashier's alone with anyone else. Yeah, yeah. Since the store opened. And the one day I do, I get robbed.
Chris: Sorry Doc, I was going to hit with the bamboo stick but he took it.
Doc: Chris, look, it's not your fault. He had a gun. I much rather you get robbed than shot. My pickled eggs. He took my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Police Officer: May I talk to you a minute son? Can you give me a description of the guy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, he's the kind of guy that kills you if you describe him to the police.
Police Officer: What did he look like?
Chris: I was pretty scared, I don't really remember much.
Police Officer: You remember anything, what color clothing he had on. Was he tall?
Chris: Short.
Police Officer: Thin?
Chris: Fat.
Police Officer: Dark?
Chris: Light.
Police Officer: Thanks. If we get any leads, we'll let you know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, considering I just described Mini-Me.

Joey Caruso: Hey, Bosco, I hear you got a Betamax?
Chris: Yeah, so?
Joey Caruso: I got a movie for you. A comedy.
Chris: Birth of a Nation?
Joey Caruso: It's a classic. Hilarious. You'll love it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Couldn't be any worse than Soul Plane.

Doc: I won't be gone long. Don't take any bills over twenty dollars. And count the change out loud. Lick your fingers, make sure your bills don't stick. There's a bamboo stick under the counter in case anybody give you any trouble.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like who? A panda?
Doc: Bam! Boo. Got it?
Chris: Got it.

Doc: Are you keeping out of trouble?
Malvo: I'm trying to. Man, I heard y'all got robbed.
Doc: Yeah. That fool got twelve dollars, and my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?