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Everybody Hates Malvo

‘Everybody Hates Malvo’

Season 2, Episode 5 -  Aired October 30, 2006

When Chris is held at gun point while looking after Doc's store, he is too scared to reveal the identity of the robber. Meanwhile, Julius gets the family a Betamax.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, everybody. I got a surprise. A Betamax.
Drew: Didn't they stop making those?
Julius: They sure did. That's how I got it for half off.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only time my father ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.
Rochelle: I asked for a sewing-machine! What the hell is this?
Julius: A loom.
Rochelle: What is that?
Julius: A Stove.
Rochelle: Well, if that's a stove, where's the witch?
Rochelle: I asked for a car. What the hell is this?
Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick. [An Asian man waves]


Quote from Doc

Doc: Now, come on, let's finish up these sketches.
Chris: Yeah, so, how did you learn to do this anyway?
Doc: I started painting nude portraits to meet chicks. Then I got good at it.
Chris: A little darker under the eyes.
Doc: Okay. Now, is that him?
Chris: Yeah, that's him.
Doc: Chris, that's Al Jarreau. Come on now, you got to focus. Every time we do this, it comes out different. Now, first time, this one looked like... Yeah, ain't that look like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? And that's George Jefferson. And ain't that Lionel Richie? Come on Chris. Let's just start over.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: What?
Rochelle: "I'm just trying to tape my stories, blah, blah, blah." Julius, she's eleven, she made a mistake.
Julius: So what? Now, I can't get mad? You get mad all the time!
Rochelle: Exactly. But everybody's used to it. If I did half the things I threaten to do, don't you think I would have been in jail a long time ago?
[fantasy: Rochelle is in a jail cell with another woman:]
Prisoner: What are you in for?
Rochelle: Knocking my kids' nostrils off.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wasn't going to be easy telling my father I'd lost my first job. He was still working on the first job he ever had.
[Julius is on a child's bicycle as he delivers newspapers:]
Woman: Thanks, Julius.
Julius: See you later, Miss Wilson. [bicycle bell rings]

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father was done being mad at Tonya, but she had just started getting mad at him.
Julius: You want some ice-cream?
Tonya: No.
Rochelle: You want some ice-cream, baby?
Tonya: Yes, mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father knew he had to do something or this will go on forever.
[fantasy: an elderly Julius is hooked up to a drip with a heartbeat monitor at his side:]
Julius: Can you plug-in my heart?
Middle-aged Tonya: No. And if you ask me again, I'm gonna turn off your stories.
Julius: You smell ice-cream?

Quote from Doc

Doc: I knew it, I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have left. Twenty two years, I've never left that cashier's alone with anyone else. Yeah, yeah. Since the store opened. And the one day I do, I get robbed.
Chris: Sorry Doc, I was going to hit with the bamboo stick but he took it.
Doc: Chris, look, it's not your fault. He had a gun. I much rather you get robbed than shot. My pickled eggs. He took my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Quote from Chris

Police Officer: May I talk to you a minute son? Can you give me a description of the guy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, he's the kind of guy that kills you if you describe him to the police.
Police Officer: What did he look like?
Chris: I was pretty scared, I don't really remember much.
Police Officer: You remember anything, what color clothing he had on. Was he tall?
Chris: Short.
Police Officer: Thin?
Chris: Fat.
Police Officer: Dark?
Chris: Light.
Police Officer: Thanks. If we get any leads, we'll let you know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, considering I just described Mini-Me.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Bosco, I hear you got a Betamax?
Chris: Yeah, so?
Joey Caruso: I got a movie for you. A comedy.
Chris: Birth of a Nation?
Joey Caruso: It's a classic. Hilarious. You'll love it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Couldn't be any worse than Soul Plane.

Quote from Doc

Doc: I won't be gone long. Don't take any bills over twenty dollars. And count the change out loud. Lick your fingers, make sure your bills don't stick. There's a bamboo stick under the counter in case anybody give you any trouble.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like who? A panda?
Doc: Bam! Boo. Got it?
Chris: Got it.

Quote from Doc

Doc: Are you keeping out of trouble?
Malvo: I'm trying to. Man, I heard y'all got robbed.
Doc: Yeah. That fool got twelve dollars, and my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

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