Chris: How are we going to get there?
Ms. Morello: We're chartering a bus.
Joey Caruso: Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd like to sit you under a bus.

Joey Caruso: Hey, Shaft. That's too bad about your grandpa. Sorry.
Chris: Really?
Joey Caruso: Yeah. I mean who's going to teach you how to tap dance now?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later that day, he beat up a Chinese kid in my honor.

Mrs. Milone: All right, everybody, take your seats. We will now begin our town hall meeting so you can get to know the candidates. Let's have the first question for Mr. Caruso.
Joey Caruso: Yes?
Boy: If you were elected, what flavor would you pick for the cafeteria Jell-O?
Joey Caruso: Grape. Grape today, grape tomorrow, grape forever. [applause]
Boy: Yeah!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, this is going to be easy.

Joey Caruso: Hey, Buckwheat, Alfalfa. What's so funny?
Chris: I was just telling a stupid joke.
Joey Caruso: Tell me.
Chris: Nah, you wouldn't really like it.
Joey Caruso: Yeah, you won't like me smashing your face in a locker. Now, tell me the joke.
Greg: It's funny. Tell him.
Chris: Okay, there's a missionary who went to an African village...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you can make your worst enemy laugh with a joke, that's a funny joke.
Chris: And there was one black sheep, and the chief said "Okay, you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you."
Joey Caruso: [laughs] That's real funny, Flip. Hey, guys come here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For the first time I realized a good joke can stop a beat down. Too bad Reginald Denny didn't know any jokes.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Of all the things I did expect to see when I went into an adult nightclub, there was one thing I didn't expect: a bunch of kids.
Joey Caruso: Hey, if it isn't Bosco and Milk.
Chris: Caruso? You like the Fat Boys?
Joey Caruso: I'm not Caruso, idiot. In here, I'm H. Rap Brown. You think I'd miss the Human Beatbox? He's like, a hip-hop Bobby McFerrin.
Chris: Who?

Chris: Hey, I got one. I got a Valentine's Day card.
Greg: Cool.
Chris: Hey, if I got a card, I know you will.
Greg: What's it say?
Joey Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too. Happy Valentine's Day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So much for love in the air.

[Joey Caruso dumps a bowl of pudding onto Chris's shirt as he walks by]
Chris: What's your problem?
Joey Caruso: Oops. Sorry. I forgot to say, "Here, catch." Well, at least it's chocolate. It'll blend in.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope her family likes chocolate.

Joey Caruso: What's up, Parish? Hey, Bird. So, what's up with you and Dickerson? You guys hanging out? That's your man? You're cool?
Chris: Basically, yeah.
Joey Caruso: Huh. [to Greg] What about you, are you cool with Dickerson, too?
Greg: Nah, just him.
Joey Caruso: Cool. [punches Greg in the stomach]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg did a nice job of waiting ten seconds before crying.

Joey Caruso: Nice game, Raj. The one chance you have to make yourself useful and you blew it. I'd punch you if you didn't stink so bad.

Greg: I still wish Earth was further away from the sun.
Chris: You think we can win it?
Greg: Are you kidding me? If we can't beat a bug in Jell-O, I'll go to school in your neighborhood.
Chris: You're right. This looks great.
Joey Caruso: [grabs their project] Hey, Frank. I finished our science project.
Greg: Hey, you can't do that!
Joey Caruso: What are you gonna do about it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All the science in the world is no match for a guy who could smack the taste out of your mouth.
[later, Caruso is crowned winner:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Caruso couldn't spell "solar system," but since he could kick both our asses, that meant the universe was his.
Joey Caruso: Yeah!
Greg: [to Chris] At least we beat the Jell-O bug.