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‘Everybody Hates Homecoming’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Homecoming

403. Everybody Hates Homecoming

Aired October 17, 2008

Chris gets a date to the homecoming dance from a girl who just transferred to the school, but first he must meet her parents, the Huckstables. Meanwhile, Drew enlightens Doc to the power of feng shui, and Tonya has an unwanted admirer.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Greg, get up. I mean, I know getting kicked out of the Bronx Academy sucked, but things can work out.
Greg: Yeah, it's easy for you to say. You're not the one with the miserable life.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What show have you been on for the last three years?

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris I'd like you to meet Jenise.
Jenise Huckstable: Hi. I just transferred in.
Ms. Morello: Jenise doesn't have a date for the dance, and since all the other Black men are taken...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By White women.
Ms. Morello: I thought you two might go together. Well, anyway, I'll let Chris lay his rap on you. Peace. I'm Audi 5000.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Greg, I'm getting tired of your complaining. I've been getting knocked down for years and you don't see me whining. I just get up and dust myself off.
Greg: Of course you do, you're Black. You overcame slavery, lynchings and racism. You know how to deal with suffering. I'm a White guy, I'm supposed to have it easy.
Chris: Greg, right now, I'm standing up the most perfect girl in the world. Her family is amazing. They clapped when I entered. They laughed at everything I said. They gave me sweet potato pops. They even gave me this sweater. This sweater cost more than our car. Her parents are a lawyer and a doctor. Last time I saw a lawyer and a doctor together was when my uncle went to the hospital for a routine checkup and came out dead. So if you don't get your harmonica-playing, hole-in-the-sock-wearing, woe-is-me, I-should-have- everything-easy behind up, I'm gonna smack the cracker out of you.
Greg: Oh, man, the dance. You missed your date with Jenise to come and find me?
Chris: Don't sweat it. You would have done the same thing for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When the situation came up years later, he didn't.

Quote from Rochelle

Dr. Clint Huckstable: What kind of parent would raise a boy that would make my future lawyer-daughter cry with all the tears?
Rochelle: Now hold on. If you're such a good parent, how come your retarded daughter flunked out of private school and had to go to Tatta-Tatta-Tattaglia public school?
Dr. Clint Huckstable: The point is...
Rochelle: You better say the right thing, because I swear I will slap the sweet potato pop out of you.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Greg looked for acceptance, Doc looked for business.
Drew: Is all this stuff past the expiration date?
Doc: Yeah. I remember back when I couldn't keep a shelf stocked. I can't figure out why people don't come in here no more.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because you don't sell crack.
Drew: Could be because there's a negative flow of energy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or because you don't sell crack.
Doc: What you talking about?
Drew: Feng shui. It's the Chinese practice of achieving harmony in one's environment through the placement of objects. I think feng shui is the reason Mr. Fong's restaurant is always so packed.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And because Mr. Fong sells crack.
Doc: Feng shui, huh? I thought I was gonna have to sell crack. Eh, what the hay. Do your thing.

Quote from Adult Chris

Jenise Huckstable: So do you want to go?
Chris: Sure. I just don't want you to feel like you have to go 'cause she set you up.
Jenise Huckstable: No, it's cool. All you have to do is come by so my parents can meet you. If they like you, we can go.
Chris: That's cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That will go great, because we all know... Everybody loves me.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew learned you can't teach an old Doc new tricks.
Drew: Doc, what happened?
Doc: I couldn't figure out why Chinese people put hot sauce next to peanut butter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And your fortune inside a cookie.
Doc: So I changed everything back. Money won't do me any good if I go crazy before I try to spend it. So I said "Sayonara" to feng shui.
Drew: Sayonara isn't Chinese. It's Japanese. Hey, I just read this thing about this new Japanese food called "sushi." It's supposed to be the next big thing in America. Maybe we could sell it here.
Doc: Sushi?
Drew: Yeah, it's like raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice.
Doc: That sounds as good as hamburger made out of turkey.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do I have to tell you Doc went broke?

Quote from Tonya

Chris: I have a date to the Homecoming Dance.
Tonya: A date? What's wrong with her?
Chris: Nothing. Her name's Jenise, and she lives in Park Slope.
Rochelle: Park Slope? That's expensive. And she goes to your school?
Tonya: I told you there was something wrong with her. She's retarded.
Julius: Your brother's date is not retarded.
Drew: Well, she could be, but there's different levels. She could be a moron, an imbecile, an idiot or a cretin. Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Anyway, all she said was that I had to meet her parents, and if they say it's okay, then we can go.
Rochelle: What? Wait a minute, now. Who are they to be checking out my son? I should be checking out their daughter. Who knows what kind of floozy she might be?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd like to find out.
Rochelle: Since you're going for an inspection, make sure you make a good impression.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I could do impressions, I'd still be on Saturday Night Live.

Quote from Joey Caruso

[Joey Caruso dumps a bowl of pudding onto Chris's shirt as he walks by]
Chris: What's your problem?
Joey Caruso: Oops. Sorry. I forgot to say, "Here, catch." Well, at least it's chocolate. It'll blend in.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope her family likes chocolate.

Quote from Chris

Dr. Clint Huckstable: [as Bill Cosby] What is all of this ringing of the bells while I am eating the sweet potato pop? Mmm. [opens the door to Chris] Son, the homeless shelter's around the corner.
Chris: No, I'm not homeless. I'm Chris. I'm taking Jenise to the Homecoming Dance this week at Tattaglia.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: In that? Jenise Huckstable. Downstairs. Now. Come in, son.
Jenise Huckstable: Oh, no. Chris, what happened?
Chris: After we met in the hallway, this kid hit me with a bowl of pudding.
Jenise Huckstable: Here, come sit down.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: [mumbling] No, no, no. Don't sit down. [places a newspaper on the couch] Just in case that's not pudding.

Quote from Chris

Blair Huckstable: Clint Huckstable, what is wrong with you? Oh, my Lord. A motherless child.
Jenise Huckstable: He's not a motherless child. That's Chris. We met at school.
Chris: I got hit with a bowl of pudding.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Blair, the boy has been abused.
Blair Huckstable: Well, I can take your case. I'm a lawyer, you know. I am very accomplished.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Yes, and I would like to accomplish something with you later on, if you know what I mean.
Blair Huckstable: Stop it, Clint.

Quote from Chris

Blair Huckstable: So, Chris, where are you from?
Chris: Bed-Stuy.
Blair Huckstable: Now, I heard about that place. I sent a boy to jail from there. He was selling something called crack. All the babies from there are on it.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Are you a crack baby?
Chris: No, sir.
Blair Huckstable: Now, Chris, do you have a family?
Chris: Yeah, a mother, father, sister, brother.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Are they crack people?
Chris: No, sir.

Quote from Chris

Blair Huckstable: Now, what kind of law does your mother practice?
Chris: She works in the beauty salon.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: And what does your father do?
Chris: Oh, he has two jobs.
Blair Huckstable: Oh, so he's a doctor and a lawyer.
Chris: No, he drives a truck and does security part-time.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: I see. Well, Chris, much like your people from Bed-Stuy, our daughter here is a screwup. Yeah, and instead of wasting money on a good private school, we decided to teach her a lesson and send her to the Tattaglia public school.
Blair Huckstable: And then she decided to teach us a lesson by bringing you home.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: But we are not going to penalize you for her stupidity. Chris, we have decided to let you take our daughter Jenise to the Homecoming Dance.
Chris: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: You're welcome. And we have this lovely sweater here so you have something decent to wear. Also this delicious box of Sweet Potato Pops.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya wanted to be alone, Doc had plenty of company.
Drew: Xièxiè. ["Thanks"]
Doc: Wow, this feng shui thing is somethin' else. Business hasn't been this good since they robbed the food stamp truck. What's this?
Drew: Oh, this is a money tree. It'll bring you good fortune. [an attractive woman enters the store]
Doc: Looks like it's working. [speaking mangled Chinese] Can I help you?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's English for "I don't speak Chinese."

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