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‘Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes

220. Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes

Aired April 30, 2007

Chris starts telling dirty jokes at school after overhearing his parents listen to a Redd Foxx comedy album. Meanwhile, Rochelle tries to find a man for her mother, Maxine (Loretta Devine).

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my grandmother was too old to go out looking for men, my mother decided to bring the men to her.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Mrs. Rochelle, what can I do for you?
Rochelle: Hey, Mr. Omar. Do you remember my mother, Maxine?
Mr. Omar: Yes. Husband died telling a knock-knock joke. Tragic. Tragic.

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Quote from Michael

Rochelle: Michael, what are you doing here?
Michael: Stopping a home wrecker. You trying to break me and Momma up. It's time for her to come home. I'm hungry.

Quote from Adult Chris

Julius: Suspended? For talking in class?
Rochelle: What did you say?
Chris: Well, it's a routine called "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television."
Rochelle: Well, what are they?
Chris: I can't say them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We're on television, woman! Didn't you hear the name of the bit?

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I learned another valuable lesson. You could be funny at the wrong time...
Chris: And then the guy said, "All right, fine. Just as long as you don't hit me in the back of the head with that stick." [kids laugh]
Ms. Morello: What's going on back there?
Chris: Nothing.
Ms. Morello: Oh, really. So the whole class is giggling up a storm over nothing at all? Caruso...
Joey Caruso: It wasn't me. He's the one shucking and jiving.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess he's never going to be in the mob.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Buckwheat, Alfalfa. What's so funny?
Chris: I was just telling a stupid joke.
Joey Caruso: Tell me.
Chris: Nah, you wouldn't really like it.
Joey Caruso: Yeah, you won't like me smashing your face in a locker. Now, tell me the joke.
Greg: It's funny. Tell him.
Chris: Okay, there's a missionary who went to an African village...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you can make your worst enemy laugh with a joke, that's a funny joke.
Chris: And there was one black sheep, and the chief said "Okay, you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you."
Joey Caruso: [laughs] That's real funny, Flip. Hey, guys come here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For the first time I realized a good joke can stop a beat down. Too bad Reginald Denny didn't know any jokes.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...
Chris: So the doctor said make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake and suck out the poison out. So the guy gets back to his friend, the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I told one about the two guys on the bridge...
Chris: And so then the White guy said, "Man, this water is cold." And the Black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep, too."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.
Chris: So, he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Dirty jokes were one thing. Dirty words were a whole new ballgame.
Greg: Oh, my God. Where'd you hear that?
Chris: George Carlin.
Greg: That's comedy?
Chris: I think it's funny.
Greg: Well, I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number four all the time. Then she'd call him number five. And they'd go back and forth like that. Five, four, two, one. Seven. Then they'd end up on number three.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."

Quote from Chris

Greg: Every kid in this school is swearing like a drunken sailor. It's out of control.
Chris: Well, I told them not to tell anybody.
Greg: You told everybody.
Chris: It's not like I said it in class or anything.
[After Mrs. Milone walks up behind Chris, Greg scampers away]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Didn't mean somebody else didn't.
Mrs. Milone: Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Number one had hit the fan.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Boy, what are these words? Write them down.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was writing these words down, I realized they were more silly than dirty.
Rochelle: You said this?! Look at this.
Julius: I never even say this.
Rochelle: Why would you say this?!
Chris: I was trying to be funny.
Rochelle: Oh, you're gonna feel mighty funny when I beat the... number one out of you.

Quote from Chris

Julius: Chris, if you're interested in comedy, that's fine, but some things are not appropriate for your age. Just because we listen to Redd Foxx don't mean you're supposed to.
Rochelle: There's a reason why we waited for you to go upstairs and fall asleep. You can't understand comedy like this.
Chris: I understood it.
Rochelle: You understood which one?
Chris: All of them.
Rochelle: The one about the lady with the funny lips?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about making sandwiches?
Chris: Yeah.
Rochelle: The one about the black sheep?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about the Fukawi Indian?
Chris: [laughs] Yeah.
Rochelle: Boy, where did you learn all of this?
Chris: I don't know; I just picked it up.

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