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‘Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes

220. Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes

Aired April 30, 2007

Chris starts telling dirty jokes at school after overhearing his parents listen to a Redd Foxx comedy album. Meanwhile, Rochelle tries to find a man for her mother, Maxine (Loretta Devine).

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my grandmother was too old to go out looking for men, my mother decided to bring the men to her.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Mrs. Rochelle, what can I do for you?
Rochelle: Hey, Mr. Omar. Do you remember my mother, Maxine?
Mr. Omar: Yes. Husband died telling a knock-knock joke. Tragic. Tragic.

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Quote from Michael

Rochelle: Michael, what are you doing here?
Michael: Stopping a home wrecker. You trying to break me and Momma up. It's time for her to come home. I'm hungry.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I learned another valuable lesson. You could be funny at the wrong time...
Chris: And then the guy said, "All right, fine. Just as long as you don't hit me in the back of the head with that stick." [kids laugh]
Ms. Morello: What's going on back there?
Chris: Nothing.
Ms. Morello: Oh, really. So the whole class is giggling up a storm over nothing at all? Caruso...
Joey Caruso: It wasn't me. He's the one shucking and jiving.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess he's never going to be in the mob.

Quote from Adult Chris

Julius: Suspended? For talking in class?
Rochelle: What did you say?
Chris: Well, it's a routine called "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television."
Rochelle: Well, what are they?
Chris: I can't say them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We're on television, woman! Didn't you hear the name of the bit?

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Buckwheat, Alfalfa. What's so funny?
Chris: I was just telling a stupid joke.
Joey Caruso: Tell me.
Chris: Nah, you wouldn't really like it.
Joey Caruso: Yeah, you won't like me smashing your face in a locker. Now, tell me the joke.
Greg: It's funny. Tell him.
Chris: Okay, there's a missionary who went to an African village...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you can make your worst enemy laugh with a joke, that's a funny joke.
Chris: And there was one black sheep, and the chief said "Okay, you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you."
Joey Caruso: [laughs] That's real funny, Flip. Hey, guys come here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For the first time I realized a good joke can stop a beat down. Too bad Reginald Denny didn't know any jokes.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...
Chris: So the doctor said make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake and suck out the poison out. So the guy gets back to his friend, the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I told one about the two guys on the bridge...
Chris: And so then the White guy said, "Man, this water is cold." And the Black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep, too."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.
Chris: So, he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Dirty jokes were one thing. Dirty words were a whole new ballgame.
Greg: Oh, my God. Where'd you hear that?
Chris: George Carlin.
Greg: That's comedy?
Chris: I think it's funny.
Greg: Well, I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number four all the time. Then she'd call him number five. And they'd go back and forth like that. Five, four, two, one. Seven. Then they'd end up on number three.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."

Quote from Chris

Greg: Every kid in this school is swearing like a drunken sailor. It's out of control.
Chris: Well, I told them not to tell anybody.
Greg: You told everybody.
Chris: It's not like I said it in class or anything.
[After Mrs. Milone walks up behind Chris, Greg scampers away]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Didn't mean somebody else didn't.
Mrs. Milone: Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Number one had hit the fan.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Boy, what are these words? Write them down.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was writing these words down, I realized they were more silly than dirty.
Rochelle: You said this?! Look at this.
Julius: I never even say this.
Rochelle: Why would you say this?!
Chris: I was trying to be funny.
Rochelle: Oh, you're gonna feel mighty funny when I beat the... number one out of you.

Quote from Chris

Julius: Chris, if you're interested in comedy, that's fine, but some things are not appropriate for your age. Just because we listen to Redd Foxx don't mean you're supposed to.
Rochelle: There's a reason why we waited for you to go upstairs and fall asleep. You can't understand comedy like this.
Chris: I understood it.
Rochelle: You understood which one?
Chris: All of them.
Rochelle: The one about the lady with the funny lips?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about making sandwiches?
Chris: Yeah.
Rochelle: The one about the black sheep?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about the Fukawi Indian?
Chris: [laughs] Yeah.
Rochelle: Boy, where did you learn all of this?
Chris: I don't know; I just picked it up.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. I loved cartoons. I loved sitcoms. But most of all, I loved stand-up comedians.
Rochelle: All right, y'all, time to go to bed.
Chris: Ma, can I stay up and watch 'til the end? It's almost over.
Rochelle: All right. Drew and Tonya, go. Good night.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians, too.
Redd Foxx: [on tape] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair.
[Chris sneaks downstairs as his parents are laughing at the tape with Mr. Omar and Vanessa:]
Redd Foxx: So one night, the time was right, he asked her, he said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "wooden eye?"
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
Redd Foxx: "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And it wasn't the last.
Redd Foxx: She said "Christmas."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A lot of kids would get in trouble sneaking out of bed trying to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up getting a career.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I found out one thing in life, if you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. Now, if you want them to really laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.
Chris: Okay, and there was one black sheep, and the chief said "Okay, you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you."
Greg: [laughs] All right, stop it, man, come on, I can't take another one.
Chris: No, no, wait, I've got one more. Hold on-
Greg: No, no, I can't take it. Who is that?
Chris: Redd Foxx.
Greg: From Sanford and Son? He's a comedian?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, you big dummy!
Chris: I didn't know it either. My parents have a bunch of his albums.
Greg: And they let you listen to that?
Chris: Not really.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Still won't!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Momma, what you doing in here?
Maxine: I thought you might need a hand with dinner.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my grandfather passed away, my grandmother had a lot of free time on her hands and she was giving it to my mother.
Maxine: Baby, that's not the way to do that.
Rochelle: But I do it this way all the time.
Maxine: Yeah, but the way you do it is wrong. Go ahead, sit down, I'll do it. Go ahead, I'll do it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing my mother hated worse than no help was help from my grandmother.

Quote from Julius

Maxine: Okay. Dinner is served.
Julius: Ooh, um... I can't eat this. My gout will flair up.
Maxine: Oh, don't worry. That's oven-fried chicken. I used skim milk in your macaroni, that's a baked potato and salad. So, you go ahead, eat up, you'll be just fine.
Drew: Wow, Momma never did all that stuff.
Julius: Shh!

Quote from Rochelle

Maxine: Hey, baby, you wanna sit down and have something to eat?
Rochelle: [eating her chocolate Turtles] Mm, I'm fine.
Chris: Grandma made oven-fried chicken.
Rochelle: Oh, really? That's nice. Well, I'm gonna finish the laundry.
Maxine: It's finished.
Rochelle: Then I'll go straighten up the kids' room.
Maxine: Oh, they're straightened.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh.
Rochelle: Then I guess I'll go do my toes.
Maxine: They're done.
Rochelle: When did you do my toes?
Maxine: While you were asleep. I didn't want to wake you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "If you do something else, you're finished."

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: [laughing] Aw... Hey, little dude from across the street, man, you're momma know you here telling jokes like that?
Chris: Nah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because if she did, she'd smack the smut out of me.
Jerome: [to a passing boy] Hey, hold up. Let me hold a dollar. [to Chris] You want one?
Chris: Yeah.
[Jerome takes two dollars from the boy, keeps one for himself and passes Chris the other one]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For years I had tried to be cool, but I had never felt cooler than when I tried to be funny.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I kept the guys rolling with laughter, my mother kept my father from rolling into bed.
Julius: What are you doing up?
Rochelle: I can't sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "He can't sleep."
Julius: I didn't do something, did I?
Rochelle: No, it's my mother. She's driving me crazy. Every time I want to do something, either she's already done it or she doesn't like the way I did it.
Julius: Baby, she's just trying to help.
Rochelle: If you call her making me want to knock her out "help," she's doing fine.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I mean, she's got a house. Why can't she go over there and clean up after Michael?
Julius: Because if she has to pick up another one of his socks she's gonna strangle him with it.
Rochelle: What?
Julius: We were talking earlier. Rochelle, she's lonely.
Rochelle: She told you that?
Julius: No, but it's obvious she misses your father. I think she's just trying to keep herself busy.
Rochelle: Well, I wish she would find something else to do.
Julius: Maybe she should go on a date.
Rochelle: A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there trying to get a date?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.
Julius: Better than she looks downstairs trying to cook your dinner.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Rochelle: I was wondering if you might know of any available men around her age?
Mr. Omar: Uh-oh, momma's got a brand new bag, huh? [laughs] Yeah, I think I might know a few people. Come on in.
Rochelle: Okay, thanks.
Mr. Omar: So, uh, how is Mr. Julius?
Rochelle: He's fine.
Mr. Omar: Oh.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother was looking for a man to get back her sanity.
[montage:]
Applicant #1: I have a question for you.
Rochelle: Of course.
Applicant #1: Does your mom have a cellar, a large freezer and a pension?
Rochelle: Have you ever dated a Black woman before?
Applicant #2: Oh, yeah. There's nothing I love better than a bad mamajama.
Rochelle: I hope you're talking about the song.
Rochelle: Did Mr. Omar send you?
Kill Moves: No, your window was open.
Applicant #3: Can you hold this gun?

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