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‘Everybody Hates Basketball’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Basketball

103. Everybody Hates Basketball

Aired October 6, 2005

Nobody is more surprised than Chris when he is picked for the basketball team. Meanwhile, Julius and Rochelle rent out a room upstairs.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: That man is not from Philly. People from Philly don't shut up about Philly. All they want to talk about is cheese steaks and Bill Cosby and Patti LaBelle. Mm-hmm. Who you know from Philly don't want to talk about Patti LaBelle? "Patti LaBelle this, Patti LaBelle that."


Quote from Greg

Ms. Martella: Good morning, gentlemen.
Chris: [to Greg] What was that?
Greg: We got a social studies quiz.
Chris: How do you know? All she said was "Good morning."
Greg: Trust me on this, man. The word is, she only speaks to the students when she's giving them a pop quiz. I got to warn the others so we can study.

Quote from Chris

Coach Brady: I know you probably play up at the courts in Harlem.
Chris: Uh, no, I'm from Bed-Stuy.
Coach Brady: They're different? Look, we were five and 20 last season, but with you... I'm asking you, give my program a shot.
Chris: Give your program a shot? I can't play.
Coach Brady: Yeah, right. Look, kid, I'm not blind.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to play basketball once. But I sucked.
Chris: Ball! Ball! Ball! [Drew throws the basketball to Chris, hitting him in the head]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I sucked at every sport I tried. Baseball. [Chris gets hit in the head] Football. [Chris gets hit in the head] Like a fool, I even tried bowling. [A bowling ball hits Chris in the head]

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Julius, go up there and see what that man is doing.
Julius: Why don't you leave that man alone? I'm just trying to lay down for a few minutes before I go back to work.
Rochelle: Look, if I'm not getting any sleep, you're not getting any sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, that was mean. Taking sleep from my father was like taking ignorance from a rapper.

Quote from Drew

Chris: I got on the basketball team, and I need to learn how to play by tomorrow.
Drew: The basketball team? Man, are you crazy? You know you don't know how to play.
Chris: Didn't I say that? I just need to know enough to look like I know something.
Drew: You know how to faint?
Chris: You mean, like, fake somebody out?
Drew: No, I mean, like, fall down on the ground so you won't have to play. [hits his own head with the nunchuks]

Quote from Julius

Julius: You're on the basketball team?
Tonya: You can't play basketball.
Drew: I tried to tell him that.
Julius: Great!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It always killed my father that I was no good at sports. But he would never tell me that.
Julius: My man! It always killed me that you were no good at sports.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Magic Johnson has the ball. Three seconds on the clock. Two... And the crowd goes wild.
Coach Brady: Hey, kid! Kid wait up. What's your name? Are you a student here?
Chris: Chris. I just transferd here.
Coach Brady: I'm Coach Brady. Welcome to Corleone Junior High. What I mean is, welcome to the basketball team.
Chris: The basketball team? I didn't try out for the basketball team.
Coach Brady: Son, after a shot like that, you don't have to.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All I did was throw away a piece of trash. If a White kid had done that, he wouldn't have even noticed. But 'cause I was Black, here's what the coach saw...
[film: archive footage of Dr. J making a baseline scoop]

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother wasn't working, sometimes we would rent out a room upstairs to make ends meet.
Rochelle: Are all of these children yours?
Woman: Um, six of them are. But I don't know where these other kids came from. Do y'all take food stamps? [glass shattering]
Rochelle: Hey, hey.
[cut to Julius and Rochelle sitting in front of an arguing couple:]
Woman: I'm tired of this. We've been here 15 minutes, and you already acting up-
Man: I'm never gonna take you nowhere.
Woman: You gotta be...
Man: Go comb your hair and brush your teeth.
Woman: Comb my hair? We don't got no daggone brushes.
Man: Why don't you go wait in the car? Go wait in the car.
Woman: We ain't got no car. We took the bus.
Man: Y'all take food stamps?
Julius: So, you work at the church?
Preacher: [shouts] Yes! [sings] Yes, I do! And I just need a place, ha To lay my weary head, huh Not trying to pay more Than $300 a month, ha And all I need to know, ha Do you take ... [high-pitched] Food stamps?

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Bird's got the range, but Magic scored 42 points as a center.
Ernie: Man, Bird shoots the lights out every night.
Chris: I'm telling you, I think the Knicks might make it this year.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A boy can dream.
Jennifer: Hey, you must be Chris. I'm Jennifer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, I discovered one of life's great secrets. Black guy plus basketball equals White girl. Now, here's what would have happened if I wasn't on the basketball team.
[fantasy: Chris screams as the kids pound on him:]
Chris: Oh, stop it. That sucks. Oh, my ribs.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, even though my father was the man of the house, he wasn't supposed to make decisions without my mother.
Rochelle: You rented it to who?
Julius: His name is Tate.
Rochelle: Now, is that his first name, or his last name? Did you get any references?
Julius: Yeah. Hamilton, Grant and Lincoln.

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