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‘Everybody Hates Basketball’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Basketball

103. Everybody Hates Basketball

Aired October 6, 2005

Nobody is more surprised than Chris when he is picked for the basketball team. Meanwhile, Julius and Rochelle rent out a room upstairs.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: That man is not from Philly. People from Philly don't shut up about Philly. All they want to talk about is cheese steaks and Bill Cosby and Patti LaBelle. Mm-hmm. Who you know from Philly don't want to talk about Patti LaBelle? "Patti LaBelle this, Patti LaBelle that."

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Quote from Greg

Ms. Martella: Good morning, gentlemen.
Chris: [to Greg] What was that?
Greg: We got a social studies quiz.
Chris: How do you know? All she said was "Good morning."
Greg: Trust me on this, man. The word is, she only speaks to the students when she's giving them a pop quiz. I got to warn the others so we can study.

Quote from Chris

Coach Brady: I know you probably play up at the courts in Harlem.
Chris: Uh, no, I'm from Bed-Stuy.
Coach Brady: They're different? Look, we were five and 20 last season, but with you... I'm asking you, give my program a shot.
Chris: Give your program a shot? I can't play.
Coach Brady: Yeah, right. Look, kid, I'm not blind.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to play basketball once. But I sucked.
[flashback:]
Chris: Ball! Ball! Ball! [Drew throws the basketball to Chris, hitting him in the head]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I sucked at every sport I tried. Baseball. [Chris gets hit in the head] Football. [Chris gets hit in the head] Like a fool, I even tried bowling. [A bowling ball hits Chris in the head]

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Julius, go up there and see what that man is doing.
Julius: Why don't you leave that man alone? I'm just trying to lay down for a few minutes before I go back to work.
Rochelle: Look, if I'm not getting any sleep, you're not getting any sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, that was mean. Taking sleep from my father was like taking ignorance from a rapper.

Quote from Drew

Chris: I got on the basketball team, and I need to learn how to play by tomorrow.
Drew: The basketball team? Man, are you crazy? You know you don't know how to play.
Chris: Didn't I say that? I just need to know enough to look like I know something.
Drew: You know how to faint?
Chris: You mean, like, fake somebody out?
Drew: No, I mean, like, fall down on the ground so you won't have to play. [hits his own head with the nunchuks]

Quote from Julius

Julius: You're on the basketball team?
Tonya: You can't play basketball.
Drew: I tried to tell him that.
Julius: Great!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It always killed my father that I was no good at sports. But he would never tell me that.
Julius: My man! It always killed me that you were no good at sports.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Magic Johnson has the ball. Three seconds on the clock. Two... And the crowd goes wild.
Coach Brady: Hey, kid! Kid wait up. What's your name? Are you a student here?
Chris: Chris. I just transferd here.
Coach Brady: I'm Coach Brady. Welcome to Corleone Junior High. What I mean is, welcome to the basketball team.
Chris: The basketball team? I didn't try out for the basketball team.
Coach Brady: Son, after a shot like that, you don't have to.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All I did was throw away a piece of trash. If a White kid had done that, he wouldn't have even noticed. But 'cause I was Black, here's what the coach saw...
[film: archive footage of Dr. J making a baseline scoop]

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother wasn't working, sometimes we would rent out a room upstairs to make ends meet.
Rochelle: Are all of these children yours?
Woman: Um, six of them are. But I don't know where these other kids came from. Do y'all take food stamps? [glass shattering]
Rochelle: Hey, hey.
[cut to Julius and Rochelle sitting in front of an arguing couple:]
Woman: I'm tired of this. We've been here 15 minutes, and you already acting up-
Man: I'm never gonna take you nowhere.
Woman: You gotta be...
Man: Go comb your hair and brush your teeth.
Woman: Comb my hair? We don't got no daggone brushes.
Man: Why don't you go wait in the car? Go wait in the car.
Woman: We ain't got no car. We took the bus.
Man: Y'all take food stamps?
[cut:]
Julius: So, you work at the church?
Preacher: [shouts] Yes! [sings] Yes, I do! And I just need a place, ha To lay my weary head, huh Not trying to pay more Than $300 a month, ha And all I need to know, ha Do you take ... [high-pitched] Food stamps?

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Bird's got the range, but Magic scored 42 points as a center.
Ernie: Man, Bird shoots the lights out every night.
Chris: I'm telling you, I think the Knicks might make it this year.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A boy can dream.
Jennifer: Hey, you must be Chris. I'm Jennifer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, I discovered one of life's great secrets. Black guy plus basketball equals White girl. Now, here's what would have happened if I wasn't on the basketball team.
[fantasy: Chris screams as the kids pound on him:]
Chris: Oh, stop it. That sucks. Oh, my ribs.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, even though my father was the man of the house, he wasn't supposed to make decisions without my mother.
Rochelle: You rented it to who?
Julius: His name is Tate.
Rochelle: Now, is that his first name, or his last name? Did you get any references?
Julius: Yeah. Hamilton, Grant and Lincoln.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: I'm sorry I flunked off the team, Dad.
Rochelle: You're not off the team yet.
Chris: What?
Rochelle: Lucky for you, your coach got you a make-up quiz.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Damn!
Julius: That's what I'm talking about.
Rochelle: So, after dinner, go upstairs and study. Because if you don't pass that quiz, I'm going to score 40 on your behind.

Quote from Chris

Greg: I mean, I can't blame you. If I were you I'd probably do the same thing. Hey, I think I aced the quiz.
Chris: I know I failed it.
Greg: Wait, but doesn't that mean you can't play ball?
Chris: I wish. Coach Brady found out and he got me a make-up. My mom made me study all night. And if I don't pass, she will kill me.
Greg: But if you do play everybody's going to hate you.
Chris: Not everybody. Just everybody on the team... everybody who likes the team... and everybody else.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I decided to fail the test on purpose. Whatever my mother might do to me, at least there wasn't 400 of her.
Ms. Martella: You passed.
Chris: What?! Hold on, let me see this. Every answer on this paper is wrong.
Ms. Martella: You are on the basketball team, right?
Chris: Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?
Ms. Martella: Good luck at the game, Swish.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Another life secret: Black man plus basketball equals a C-plus.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: I passed. [cheers]
Coach Brady: Way to go, baby! Way to go!
All: Swish, Swish, Swish...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I bet this is how Milli Vanilli must have felt when they were walking up to accept their Grammy.

Quote from Julius

Tate: I gave you six months rent.
Julius: I know. You've been here three days. [gets out the rent money]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You don't know how much that's killing him right now. I'm crying just looking at him.
Julius: That's 450 divided by 30... 15.
Rochelle: Julius, you counted it ten times. Look, you got to get your spooky ass out of here. Come on, Julius.
Julius: I'm sorry.
Rochelle: Julius!
Julius: I'll be back for my change.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Turns out my mother was right. Mr. Tate wasn't from Philly. He was wanted in so many states for so many crimes that when they caught him they had to let 30 guys go.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Nice game, Raj. The one chance you have to make yourself useful and you blew it. I'd punch you if you didn't stink so bad.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The toughest thing about going to a new school was making friends. At my old school, there were tons of kids just like me. But at Corleone, I didn't fit in anywhere. Not with the jocks, not with the smart kids, not with the troublemakers... and definitely not with the theater crowd. Look at him dance. He went on to become the first Laker Boy. The only group I fit in with were the nerds.
Boy: Yeah! [Caruso steals his Rubik's Cube] Hey! Give it back.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What'd he say that for? [Caruso throws the Rubik's Cube at the kid's head] Maybe theater isn't so bad.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Hey, man, check this out.
Chris: What's that?
Greg: All right, well, it's a breakdown on who's got a better front court: the Knicks or the Lakers.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since me and Greg couldn't play sports, we talked about them all the time.
Chris: Front court? What's the difference who's in the front court if Magic Johnson is in the back?

Quote from Chris

Coach Brady: Look, son, I need you on this team. What's your name again?
Chris: My name's Chris.
Coach Brady: Swish. That's you. Swish. You can suit up on game day. We're up against Delio. Be at the gym at 3:30. See you at the game, Swish.

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