Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Everybody Hates Funerals’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Funerals

117. Everybody Hates Funerals

Aired March 23, 2006

After Rochelle's father, Gene (Jimmie Walker), dies at their dinner table, Rochelle's family gathers for the funeral. Chris stands up to Rochelle's mother, Maxine (Loretta Devine), who keeps criticizing her daughter.

Quote from Chris

Maxine: Mmm. Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I might be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.
Maxine: Are you going to sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[fantasy: Chris sits on a couch with a White family:]
Mother: Who are you?
Chris: You don't want to know.

Rate

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Chris, how many times do I have to tell you to quit leaving this damn yo-yo on the floor? What are you trying to do, kill me?
Chris: I forgot where I left it.
Rochelle: Well, will you remember when I fall down the steps and break my neck?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sometimes it felt like all my mother did was yell at everybody.
[montage:]
Rochelle: Tonya, close the door! You trying to freeze the whole house?
Rochelle: Drew, turn that mess down! You trying to make everybody in the house go deaf? And get your feet off my table.
Rochelle: Julius! Pick up your drawers! Do I have to do everything around here?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And when I say my mother yelled at everybody, I mean everybody.
Rochelle: [yelling in front of a mirror] Rochelle, what did I tell me? Are you trying to drive me crazy?

Quote from Michael

Julius: Um, Rochelle, even if we split this five ways, that's still a lot of money.
Maxine: Who's talking about splitting it?
Julius: Well, I just assumed we'd all chip in. I mean, it is your husband.
Michael: Julius, I want to help out.
Julius: What's this?
Michael: It's a baseball card. Al Oliver. He played in Pittsburgh. Lifetime .330 hitter. That card is going to be worth thousands of dollars someday.
Julius: How much is it worth now?
Michael: About a dollar.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, why don't you stand up and tell the rest of the class what you're discussing with Gregory.
Chris: My grandfather died.
Ms. Morello: Chris, that's not funny. What are you going to do when your grandfather dies for real? Just because you didn't study for a test doesn't mean you can go killing off your family. Who's next? Your father, your mother? Why don't you kill your sister or your brother?
Greg: He's telling the truth.
Ms. Morello: Oh. Chris...
Chris: Wait you believe him?
Ms. Morello: Of course.
Chris: And not me?
Ms. Morello: Well, Chris, your grandfather died. You might say anything. What are you even doing here? Bring me your paper. Don't worry about the test. You're excused.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In honor of my grandfather, I should have hit her with a brick.

Quote from Rochelle

Charlotte: I got $40 saved up. What about you, Aunt Mousey?
Aunt Mousey: [squeaking] I have some quarters.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad he won't be playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: Mama, I just don't think that we can afford this right now.
Maxine: Why not? Baby, you always bragging about how your husband has two jobs.
Rochelle: I do not.
[flashbacks:]
Rochelle: I do not need this. My man has two jobs.
Rochelle: My husband has two jobs. I don't need to be here right now.
Rochelle: I do not need this! My man has two jobs, okay?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Who ate my Turtles?
Maxine: Oh, is that what you call them things? I ate them, but they was nasty. What's in those things, anyway?
Rochelle: If you didn't like them, why did you eat them? Mama, I am sick of you. Ever since you got here, you have not stopped complaining. Just because Daddy is dead does not mean that you can come into my house and tell everybody what to do. And Michael, get your feet off of my damn couch before I slap the jam out of your toes. Aunt Grievey, stop all that crying. You cried on Easter. You cried on Halloween. You cried on Flag Day. Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose, 'cause it ain't that damn sad. [Grievey sobs] Aah! And hang up my phone! And Aunt Mousey, take off your coat and speak up. You're over there peeping and squeaking. [squeaking] You sound like a damn rat. Use your words! You're damn near 60 years old! And, Mama, the next time you want to eat my Turtles, the least you could do is like them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's back!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My grandfather passing away was the first time I had to deal with a death in the family. I didn't know how to react, and I guess my mother didn't, either, because instead of doing this...
[fantasy: Rochelle is cursing the heavens as she holds up the pork chop he father was eating:]
Rochelle: Damn. Damn. Damn!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She did this...
[reality: Rochelle serves the kids breakfast]
Rochelle: Good morning, everybody.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hadn't seen my mother that happy since Lionel Richie went solo.

Quote from Risky

Mr. Harris: I left a whole load of sloppies in the kitchen for you guys.
Julius: Thank you.
Rochelle: Thank you.
Mr. Harris: Chris, I got a new video game at the store.
Chris: Okay.
Risky: Next time someone dies, let me know. I'll get you a good deal on a casket.
Julius: Man, what is your problem?

Quote from Jerome

Julius: Who is that?
Rochelle: I don't know.
Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street, here you go, man. [hands Chris some cash]
Chris: What's this?
Jerome: I robbed your grandfather a few times. I didn't know you knew him.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, Shaft. That's too bad about your grandpa. Sorry.
Chris: Really?
Joey Caruso: Yeah. I mean who's going to teach you how to tap dance now?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later that day, he beat up a Chinese kid in my honor.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can't really believe you're getting married until you buy that tux. And you can't really believe somebody is dead until you've got to buy them a casket.
Mr. Omar: Now, we have several models. This one right over here, top of the line. Made of mahogany has silk lining over goose-down bedding and a night light.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess that's in case the dead want to read.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: I can't believe Gene is gone.
Tonya: I can't believe he never finished that joke.
Chris: I'm never eating pork chops again.
Drew: I can't believe he died sitting right here.
Rochelle: Well, everybody has to die someplace. Now eat your eggs.
Tonya: I hate eggs. Can I have some toast?
Rochelle: Sure, Tonya. No problem.
Drew: Hey, Mom, uh, do I have to go to school today?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Usually, the only death that could keep us out of school was our own.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Man, your grandfather died? That's rough. I had a parakeet that died once. I cried for three weeks.
Chris: My mom is acting really strange.
Greg: You mean strange like...
[fantasy: Rochelle is out on the street wearing a shower cap and a chicken customer:]
Rochelle: There's a TV in my head! Please, just make it go away!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even the crackheads would be scared of that.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hi, Mama. You look good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's my grandmother, Maxine. She was the only woman who could out-snob my mother.
Maxine: Your hair smells funny. Are you still using that cheap perm? Dark and Lovely? Look at mine. It's beautiful. It's beautiful, isn't it?
Rochelle: Good to see you too, Mama.

Quote from Michael

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum."
Rochelle: How you doing?
Michael: Hey, sis, how you doing?
Rochelle: Good.
Michael: Y'all got something to eat?
Rochelle: Yeah, we just...
[Uncle Michael drops his suitcases and pushes past Rochelle]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think he saw a job chasing him.

Quote from Rochelle

Maxine: Julius, shouldn't you be at work already?
Julius: Hey, you know I'm on my way. I just came by to say hi real quick. How are you?
Maxine: Well as can be expected. You know, Gene and I were married for 40 years.
Julius: I hope Rochelle and me make it that far.
Maxine: The way she keeps this house, I'm surprised you haven't left already.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My grandmother always criticized everything my mother did.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Mama, you like my coat? It's all leather.
Maxine: Oh feels rubbery. Feel mine. Italian ["Eye-talian"] leather.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my father was working extra hours and my mother wasn't being herself, I decided to pick up the slack the best way I knew how.
[montage:]
Chris: Tonya, you go make up your bed. Drew, you clean up in here. Sitting in here playing cards...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [Chris picks up a pair of underpants from the bathroom floor] This was going to be harder than I thought.
Chris: [to Uncle Michael] Turn that mess down! You trying to make everyone in the house deaf? Take your feet off the table.

Quote from Rochelle

Maxine: Rochelle, tomorrow, we're going to the funeral home to pick out a casket. Please dress presentably. I don't want him to think that we can't afford a decent casket.
Rochelle: Sure, Mama.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Chris, you know you're going to have to apologize to your grandmother.
Chris: How come? She's the one who's been mean to Mom.
Julius: She's hurting, Chris, and your mother is, too. I know you're trying to protect your mother, but trust me, you do not want to get between the two of them. You ain't gonna win that one. I'm already going to one funeral. I ain't trying to go to another one.
Chris: Well, then what do I do?
Julius: Do what I do: nothing. Things will work out. All right? Apologize.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, Mama, what about the blue one?
Mr. Omar: Oh, now, the blue one is nice.
Maxine: Well, I don't like it.
Mr. Omar: She don't like that one.
Maxine: It's a coffin, not an Oldsmobile. I like that one.
Mr. Omar: Good taste.
Julius: Uh, Maxine, that costs a lot of money.
Mr. Omar: Now, we got payment plans.
Julius: Well, can we put it in my father-in-law's name?
Mr. Omar: Well... no.
Julius: I didn't think so.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode