‘Everybody Hates Funerals’
Season 1, Episode 17 - Aired March 23, 2006
After Rochelle's father, Gene (Jimmie Walker), dies at their dinner table, Rochelle's family gathers for the funeral. Chris stands up to Rochelle's mother, Maxine (Loretta Devine), who keeps criticizing her daughter.
Quote from Chris
Maxine: Mmm. Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I might be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.
Maxine: Are you going to sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[fantasy: Chris sits on a couch with a White family:]
Mother: Who are you?
Chris: You don't want to know.
Quote from Rochelle
Rochelle: Chris, how many times do I have to tell you to quit leaving this damn yo-yo on the floor? What are you trying to do, kill me?
Chris: I forgot where I left it.
Rochelle: Well, will you remember when I fall down the steps and break my neck?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sometimes it felt like all my mother did was yell at everybody.
Rochelle: Tonya, close the door! You trying to freeze the whole house?
Rochelle: Drew, turn that mess down! You trying to make everybody in the house go deaf? And get your feet off my table.
Rochelle: Julius! Pick up your drawers! Do I have to do everything around here?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And when I say my mother yelled at everybody, I mean everybody.
Rochelle: [yelling in front of a mirror] Rochelle, what did I tell me? Are you trying to drive me crazy?
Quote from Michael
Julius: Um, Rochelle, even if we split this five ways, that's still a lot of money.
Maxine: Who's talking about splitting it?
Julius: Well, I just assumed we'd all chip in. I mean, it is your husband.
Michael: Julius, I want to help out.
Julius: What's this?
Michael: It's a baseball card. Al Oliver. He played in Pittsburgh. Lifetime .330 hitter. That card is going to be worth thousands of dollars someday.
Julius: How much is it worth now?
Michael: About a dollar.
Quote from Ms. Morello
Ms. Morello: Chris, why don't you stand up and tell the rest of the class what you're discussing with Gregory.
Chris: My grandfather died.
Ms. Morello: Chris, that's not funny. What are you going to do when your grandfather dies for real? Just because you didn't study for a test doesn't mean you can go killing off your family. Who's next? Your father, your mother? Why don't you kill your sister or your brother?
Greg: He's telling the truth.
Ms. Morello: Oh. Chris...
Chris: Wait you believe him?
Ms. Morello: Of course.
Chris: And not me?
Ms. Morello: Well, Chris, your grandfather died. You might say anything. What are you even doing here? Bring me your paper. Don't worry about the test. You're excused.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In honor of my grandfather, I should have hit her with a brick.
Quote from Rochelle
Charlotte: I got $40 saved up. What about you, Aunt Mousey?
Aunt Mousey: [squeaking] I have some quarters.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad he won't be playing Asteroids.
Rochelle: Mama, I just don't think that we can afford this right now.
Maxine: Why not? Baby, you always bragging about how your husband has two jobs.
Rochelle: I do not.
Rochelle: I do not need this. My man has two jobs.
Rochelle: My husband has two jobs. I don't need to be here right now.
Rochelle: I do not need this! My man has two jobs, okay?
Quote from Rochelle
Rochelle: Who ate my Turtles?
Maxine: Oh, is that what you call them things? I ate them, but they was nasty. What's in those things, anyway?
Rochelle: If you didn't like them, why did you eat them? Mama, I am sick of you. Ever since you got here, you have not stopped complaining. Just because Daddy is dead does not mean that you can come into my house and tell everybody what to do. And Michael, get your feet off of my damn couch before I slap the jam out of your toes. Aunt Grievey, stop all that crying. You cried on Easter. You cried on Halloween. You cried on Flag Day. Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose, 'cause it ain't that damn sad. [Grievey sobs] Aah! And hang up my phone! And Aunt Mousey, take off your coat and speak up. You're over there peeping and squeaking. [squeaking] You sound like a damn rat. Use your words! You're damn near 60 years old! And, Mama, the next time you want to eat my Turtles, the least you could do is like them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's back!
Quote from Adult Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My grandfather passing away was the first time I had to deal with a death in the family. I didn't know how to react, and I guess my mother didn't, either, because instead of doing this...
[fantasy: Rochelle is cursing the heavens as she holds up the pork chop he father was eating:]
Rochelle: Damn. Damn. Damn!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She did this...
[reality: Rochelle serves the kids breakfast]
Rochelle: Good morning, everybody.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hadn't seen my mother that happy since Lionel Richie went solo.
Quote from Risky
Mr. Harris: I left a whole load of sloppies in the kitchen for you guys.
Julius: Thank you.
Rochelle: Thank you.
Mr. Harris: Chris, I got a new video game at the store.
Risky: Next time someone dies, let me know. I'll get you a good deal on a casket.
Julius: Man, what is your problem?
Quote from Jerome
Julius: Who is that?
Rochelle: I don't know.
Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street, here you go, man. [hands Chris some cash]
Chris: What's this?
Jerome: I robbed your grandfather a few times. I didn't know you knew him.
Quote from Joey Caruso
Joey Caruso: Hey, Shaft. That's too bad about your grandpa. Sorry.
Joey Caruso: Yeah. I mean who's going to teach you how to tap dance now?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later that day, he beat up a Chinese kid in my honor.