‘Everybody Hates Fake IDs’ Quotes Page 1 of 4
413. Everybody Hates Fake IDs
Aired January 23, 2009
Chris and Greg try to get fake IDs to they can attend a concert by The Fat Boys. Meanwhile, Rochelle wants to plan a surprise party for Julius against his wishes.
Quote from Tonya
Rochelle: Can you please tell your father that I have nothing to say to him.
Tonya: Mama said she has nothing to say to you.
Julius: Fine. Throw me a party.
Rochelle: Oh! So now all of a sudden you want to have a party. Well, it's too late. You just can't blow some balloons up, set a cake on fire and start hollering. You have to plan for a party. I mean, I have to send out invitations, write out a guest list, make present suggestions. Oh, no, no, you are not putting me through all that. Nuh-uh. The next time you want to have a party, you need to say something ahead of time instead of always waiting till the last minute!
Tonya: Mama said, "Oh! So now all of a sudden you want to have a party. Well, it's too late. You can't just blow up some balloons, set a cake on fire, and start hollering. You have to plan for a party. You have to invite the people. You have to invite the family from out of town. You have to get the cake. You have to get the ice cream. You have to get toys for the little kids to play with..."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since it's against the law to choke children on film, we're gonna go to the next scene.
Tonya: "No, you have to plan for it!"
Quote from Greg
Greg: What's the matter? You look depressed.
Chris: I waited in line all day yesterday for Fat Boys tickets, and just when I made it to the store, they sold out.
Greg: No problem. I got tickets.
Greg: Sold out?! But I've been waiting in line for Hall and Oates tickets for three hours!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hall and Oates wouldn't wait three hours for Hall and Oates tickets.
Attendant: All we got left is Fat Boys tickets.
Greg: Ah, what the heck, I'll take two.
Quote from Jerome
Jerome: Little dude from across the street, can I help you?
Greg: Wait, you work here?
Jerome: Yeah. Why?
Greg: Why didn't you say something when we were at the barbershop?
Jerome: Look here, little dude from across the street's friend from across town, I don't know what you're talking about.
Quote from Greg
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had two Fat Boys tickets. Now I had to get two skinny boys to pass for 18.
Chris: Look, I've been thinking. All I have to do is get out of the house, then maybe we can find a way to get into the show.
Greg: Well, my mother will be drunk and passed out by about 7:00. So getting out of the house won't be a problem. I could be on tour with Van Halen, and she wouldn't even notice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, Greg actually toured with Van Halen for a year as a mike stand.
Chris: All right, that's good.
Greg: In terms of us going to see The Fat Boys, yes. But in truth, alcohol abuse is nothing to laugh at. And I'll be scarred forever by my mother's tragic disease, but please, continue.
Quote from Drew
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew got a special delivery from the see-through women's clothing fairy.
Drew: Cool. [puts on the X-ray glasses] Oh, dang! [to the woman] Excuse me. I know this may sound weird, but do you by chance have two sets of the exact same clothes on?
Woman: Yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
Drew: Oh, nothing. Just asking.
Quote from Chris
Chris: All right, all I have to do is get my mom to say it's okay to spend the night at your house and that's half the battle.
Greg: Wait, what's the other half?
Chris: Know anywhere we can get some fake IDs?
Greg: Fake IDs?
Chris: Fake IDs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When you were a teenager, fake IDs could open up a whole new magical world.
[fantasy: Chris and Greg are wearing suits as they sit in a strip club:]
Waitress: [to Greg] Here you go, Mr. Testaverde. And Mr. Sharpton, your ID.
Greg: I got the tickets; why do I have to get the IDs?
Chris: Because if you get busted trying to get fake IDs, you'll get community service. If I get busted, I'm two jail cells down from that guy who shot Reagan.
Quote from Greg
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I had handled my part of the plan, now everything was up to Greg.
Chris: I'm all set on my end. Did you have any luck with the fake IDs?
Greg: Does Boy George have luck with women's clothing?
Chris: Hey, these actually look like us.
Greg: Yeah, I know. They are actually two guys from Guatemala.
Guatemalan Greg: [Spanish: "So, what's the plan?"]
Guetamelan Chris: [Spanish: "Why do I always have to come up with the plan? Why don't I ask you what the plan is?"]
Guatemalan Greg: [Spanish: "It's your show. If I screw things up, what difference does it make?"]
Guetamelan Chris: [Spanish: "You got a point. I got to figure out how to get us tickets to see the Fat Boys."]
Quote from Risky
Risky: Fake ID? Why would I know anything about where to get a fake ID?
Chris: Because you operate on the fringes of the law.
Jerome: Hey, man, just because somebody's name is Risky, and they operate on the fringes of the law, does not mean they break the law.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, it does.
James: Yeah, man. Using fake IDs could get y'all in serious trouble. If I wasn't underage, who knows where I'd be now?
Chris: So do you or don't you?
Risky: Oh, hey, man, I think I see Run-DMC outside!
Greg: I don't see anybody.
Risky: Well, maybe you should go out there and make sure it wasn't them.
Chris: Make sure who wasn't them?
James: Man, would you just go outside so he can tell you where to get the ID? Man, you slow.
Risky: Forget it. Forget it. Go to this address, and tell them you want a passport photo.
Greg: Passport photo?
James: That's code for "fake ID." Y'all slow.
Quote from Jerome
Chris: Look, Jerome, we just need some passport photos.
Jerome: You're not cops, are you?
Greg: Why? Is it illegal for cops to have passport photos?
Jerome: No. But if you knew passport photos meant something else and you were trying to trick me, I'd have to ask if you a cop, because legally, you have to say yes, and then I wouldn't give you one.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Contrary to popular belief, you needed to be educated if you wanted to drop out and become a criminal.
Greg: We're not cops.
Jerome: You could be undercover.
Chris: Do we look like 21 Jump Street?
Jerome: Look, it could be a sting operation.
Chris & Jerome: We're not cops.
Quote from Tonya
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that I had my fake ID, I was ready to have some real fun.
Rochelle: Okay, Chris, you know the rules. You go directly to Greg's house, you stay at Greg's house, and tomorrow, you come directly home.
Tonya: And remember, if you do anything you shouldn't do, it'll be like sticking a knife in your mother's back.
Rochelle: What she said.