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‘Everybody Hates Fake IDs’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Fake IDs

413. Everybody Hates Fake IDs

Aired January 23, 2009

Chris and Greg try to get fake IDs to they can attend a concert by The Fat Boys. Meanwhile, Rochelle wants to plan a surprise party for Julius against his wishes.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: Can you please tell your father that I have nothing to say to him.
Tonya: Mama said she has nothing to say to you.
Julius: Fine. Throw me a party.
Rochelle: Oh! So now all of a sudden you want to have a party. Well, it's too late. You just can't blow some balloons up, set a cake on fire and start hollering. You have to plan for a party. I mean, I have to send out invitations, write out a guest list, make present suggestions. Oh, no, no, you are not putting me through all that. Nuh-uh. The next time you want to have a party, you need to say something ahead of time instead of always waiting till the last minute!
Tonya: Mama said, "Oh! So now all of a sudden you want to have a party. Well, it's too late. You can't just blow up some balloons, set a cake on fire, and start hollering. You have to plan for a party. You have to invite the people. You have to invite the family from out of town. You have to get the cake. You have to get the ice cream. You have to get toys for the little kids to play with..."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since it's against the law to choke children on film, we're gonna go to the next scene.
Tonya: "No, you have to plan for it!"


Quote from Greg

Greg: What's the matter? You look depressed.
Chris: I waited in line all day yesterday for Fat Boys tickets, and just when I made it to the store, they sold out.
Greg: No problem. I got tickets.
Chris: How?
Greg: Sold out?! But I've been waiting in line for Hall and Oates tickets for three hours!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hall and Oates wouldn't wait three hours for Hall and Oates tickets.
Attendant: All we got left is Fat Boys tickets.
Greg: Ah, what the heck, I'll take two.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Little dude from across the street, can I help you?
Greg: Wait, you work here?
Jerome: Yeah. Why?
Greg: Why didn't you say something when we were at the barbershop?
Jerome: Look here, little dude from across the street's friend from across town, I don't know what you're talking about.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had two Fat Boys tickets. Now I had to get two skinny boys to pass for 18.
Chris: Look, I've been thinking. All I have to do is get out of the house, then maybe we can find a way to get into the show.
Greg: Well, my mother will be drunk and passed out by about 7:00. So getting out of the house won't be a problem. I could be on tour with Van Halen, and she wouldn't even notice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, Greg actually toured with Van Halen for a year as a mike stand.
Chris: All right, that's good.
Greg: In terms of us going to see The Fat Boys, yes. But in truth, alcohol abuse is nothing to laugh at. And I'll be scarred forever by my mother's tragic disease, but please, continue.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew got a special delivery from the see-through women's clothing fairy.
Drew: Cool. [puts on the X-ray glasses] Oh, dang! [to the woman] Excuse me. I know this may sound weird, but do you by chance have two sets of the exact same clothes on?
Woman: Yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
Drew: Oh, nothing. Just asking.

Quote from Chris

Chris: All right, all I have to do is get my mom to say it's okay to spend the night at your house and that's half the battle.
Greg: Wait, what's the other half?
Chris: Know anywhere we can get some fake IDs?
Greg: Fake IDs?
Chris: Fake IDs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When you were a teenager, fake IDs could open up a whole new magical world.
[fantasy: Chris and Greg are wearing suits as they sit in a strip club:]
Waitress: [to Greg] Here you go, Mr. Testaverde. And Mr. Sharpton, your ID.
Greg: I got the tickets; why do I have to get the IDs?
Chris: Because if you get busted trying to get fake IDs, you'll get community service. If I get busted, I'm two jail cells down from that guy who shot Reagan.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I had handled my part of the plan, now everything was up to Greg.
Chris: I'm all set on my end. Did you have any luck with the fake IDs?
Greg: Does Boy George have luck with women's clothing?
Chris: Hey, these actually look like us.
Greg: Yeah, I know. They are actually two guys from Guatemala.
Guatemalan Greg: [Spanish: "So, what's the plan?"]
Guetamelan Chris: [Spanish: "Why do I always have to come up with the plan? Why don't I ask you what the plan is?"]
Guatemalan Greg: [Spanish: "It's your show. If I screw things up, what difference does it make?"]
Guetamelan Chris: [Spanish: "You got a point. I got to figure out how to get us tickets to see the Fat Boys."]

Quote from Risky

Risky: Fake ID? Why would I know anything about where to get a fake ID?
Chris: Because you operate on the fringes of the law.
Jerome: Hey, man, just because somebody's name is Risky, and they operate on the fringes of the law, does not mean they break the law.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, it does.
James: Yeah, man. Using fake IDs could get y'all in serious trouble. If I wasn't underage, who knows where I'd be now?
Chris: So do you or don't you?
Risky: Oh, hey, man, I think I see Run-DMC outside!
Greg: I don't see anybody.
Risky: Well, maybe you should go out there and make sure it wasn't them.
Chris: Make sure who wasn't them?
James: Man, would you just go outside so he can tell you where to get the ID? Man, you slow.
Risky: Forget it. Forget it. Go to this address, and tell them you want a passport photo.
Greg: Passport photo?
James: That's code for "fake ID." Y'all slow.

Quote from Jerome

Chris: Look, Jerome, we just need some passport photos.
Jerome: You're not cops, are you?
Greg: Why? Is it illegal for cops to have passport photos?
Jerome: No. But if you knew passport photos meant something else and you were trying to trick me, I'd have to ask if you a cop, because legally, you have to say yes, and then I wouldn't give you one.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Contrary to popular belief, you needed to be educated if you wanted to drop out and become a criminal.
Greg: We're not cops.
Jerome: You could be undercover.
Chris: Do we look like 21 Jump Street?
Jerome: Look, it could be a sting operation.
Chris & Jerome: We're not cops.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that I had my fake ID, I was ready to have some real fun.
Rochelle: Okay, Chris, you know the rules. You go directly to Greg's house, you stay at Greg's house, and tomorrow, you come directly home.
Chris: Right.
Tonya: And remember, if you do anything you shouldn't do, it'll be like sticking a knife in your mother's back.
Rochelle: What she said.

Quote from Chris

Greg: Dude, we are so in there.
Chris: I hope so. You got yours memorized?
Greg: Yeah. Paul Stanley, June 6, 1968. What about you?
Chris: Gene Simmons, April 4, 1968.
Bouncer: Whoa! IDs, please. Gene Simmons, April 4, 1968. Isn't that the day they assassinated Dr. King?
Chris: I didn't have nothing to do with it.
Bouncer: Mm-hmm. And, Paul Stanley, your birthday is June 6, 1968. The same day Robert Kennedy was assassinated. And here you two are together. What are the odds of that happening?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] About the same as you being dumb enough to believe any answer we give you.
Chris: It's crazy.
Bouncer: It is, ain't it? Go ahead. Have a good time.
Chris: Ah, yeah.
Bouncer: Hey, Paul, Gene don't get shot. [Chris and Greg fake laughter]

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Of all the things I did expect to see when I went into an adult nightclub, there was one thing I didn't expect: a bunch of kids.
Joey Caruso: Hey, if it isn't Bosco and Milk.
Chris: Caruso? You like the Fat Boys?
Joey Caruso: I'm not Caruso, idiot. In here, I'm H. Rap Brown. You think I'd miss the Human Beatbox? He's like, a hip-hop Bobby McFerrin.
Chris: Who?

Quote from Rochelle

Detective: Ma'am, we confiscated an ID in a raid at a nightclub last night that belongs to someone who lives at this address.
Rochelle: An ID?
Detective: Yes. It was being used by kids who were there in a failed attempt to see the Fat Boys. As a community service, I am returning it to its rightful owner.
Rochelle: Well, what's the name on the ID?
Detective: Gene Simmons.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because Ace Frehley would've sounded ridiculous.
Rochelle: Ah, yeah, that Gene Simmons, yeah. I do recognize him. Come tomorrow, nobody will be able to recognize him. Thank you. Gene!
Choir: [sings] Everybody hates Gene

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By 1987, everybody in the country had heard of rap music. And most kids either wanted to be a DJ... or an MC. But then something happened to change it all... the Fat Boys, featuring the Human Beatbox.
Chris: [beatboxing]
Doc: Chris! What the hell are you doing?
Chris: Beatboxing. It's the new thing. Buffy the Human Beatbox from the Fat Boys is the best.
Doc: Best at what? Spitting all over everything?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He did say "spit," right?
Chris: Is it okay if I leave a little early today? The Fat Boys are coming to town, and I want to get there early before the tickets sell out.
Doc: Go on. But you're wasting your money. I know a lady that'll spit on you for half the price of what them tickets cost you.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I wasn't the only one having problems with my date of birth.
Julius: Remember, I don't want a party for my birthday.
Rochelle: Don't worry. You're not having a party.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what the Democrats said to Hillary.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother made birthday plans, Drew made plans to see birthday suits.
Drew: Wow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew was trying to get something every young boy wanted.
Drew: X-ray glasses. Cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm waiting for them to come out with X-ray contact lenses.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was more depressed than the Fat Boys at a finger sandwich party.
Chris: My dad's surprise party is Saturday night, and I don't know how I'm gonna do that and see the Fat Boys, too.
Greg: So, surprise him. Don't be there. Look, I did my part. I can't get you out of the house, too.
Chris: You got the IDs?
Greg: Is Janet Jackson in control?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, but Michael isn't.
Chris: Let me guess, I'm Mr. T, and you're George Peppard?
Greg: Dude, they're free. What do you expect?

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] A few blocks away, me and Greg were hoping nobody could see through us.
Chris: This is it.
Greg: "Ticket services, check cashing, bail bondsman, loans, piano lessons."
Both: Piano lessons?
Greg: "Passport photos."

Quote from Ryan

Greg: We just want to go see the Fat Boys.
Ryan: Oh. I love those guys. [sings] All you can eat [grunting rhythmically]
Chris: So, when can we get 'em?
Greg: And how much is it gonna cost?
Ryan: Well, that depends. When it comes to delivery, you have three separate options. You can get 'em fast and cheap, but not good; you can get 'em good and cheap, but not fast; or you can get 'em fast and good, but not cheap.
Chris: Well, the concert's tomorrow, so how much is the last option?
Ryan: 25 bucks. Each.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Lemonade?
Ryan: Not "lemonade." "Laminated." It means "covered in plastic." I want you to get these laminated, so they look like the real thing. When it's done, take 'em to Chris.
Jerome: Cool.

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