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‘Everybody Hates Valentine's Day’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Valentine's Day

114. Everybody Hates Valentine's Day

Aired February 9, 2006

On Valentine's Day, Chris develops a crush on a girl on the bus. Meanwhile, Rochelle is concerned with all the attention Drew is getting, and Julius is shocked when Tonya says she has a boyfriend at school.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed like everybody was getting something except me.
Greg: Still a few days to go. We could still get a card.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "If we weren't friends, I'd smack the hope out of you."

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my father wasn't romantic, he wasn't stupid, either. He had a shoebox full of greeting cards in the house. He could give my mother a card for any occasion. Happy Anniversary.
Rochelle: Aw, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [o.s.] Happy Flag Day.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy Chanukah.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He used to keep candy under the bed, too, but the mice kept eating it.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't have any luck with girls when I was 13. Mostly, I just had a bunch of crushes. They call it a crush, because chances are if you open your mouth, you're gonna get crushed. They could have called it, "She don't like you, stupid," but "crush" is just quicker.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Hey, why do girls like guys that are mean to them?
Greg: Nice guys finish last. Maybe the mean guys beat the crap out of the nice guys so when the girls show up no one else is around.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, look, you got one, too. "Roses are red, violets are blue... Cupid hates your guts, and I do, too." Well, at this time he wrote a poem.

Quote from Greg

Chris: The girl on the bus. She gave me one yesterday.
Greg: And you didn't tell me? I know I go to bed early, but you could still call and wake me up when something this important happens.
Chris: Yeah, well, I wanted to tell you in person. I broke up a fight between her and her boyfriend.
Greg: You broke up a fight?
Chris: Yeah, and she gave me this card.
Greg: Dude, this is huge.
Chris: Is it? I-I don't know. It... It's just a card.
Greg: A card is, "I'm yours for the taking." How in there do you have to be before you get it?
Chris: Why is it that when it comes to me, you know so much about girls, but you freak out when one gives you a card?
Greg: I guess it's kind of like not being able to cut your own hair.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Hey, I got one. I got a Valentine's Day card.
Greg: Cool.
Chris: Hey, if I got a card, I know you will.
Greg: What's it say?
Joey Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too. Happy Valentine's Day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So much for love in the air.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before you ever buy a girl a gift, the first thing you've got to do is buy her the perfect card.
Greg: Nah, that's too much. You haven't even kissed her yet. Have you?
Chris: Um, how about this one? "You know the deal. I want you to be my valentine."
Greg: That's cool, but it's more for a friend than a girl. Whoa, cool. "Relatively speaking, would you be my valentine?" This is perfect.
Chris: For Tangee? No thanks.
Greg: No, for Joy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg never fought being a nerd. I always wondered how that worked out for him.
[fantasy: an older Greg is waiting in a sports car]
Thirty-year-old Greg: [honks horn] Come on, honey!
Sexy Woman: Greg, when did you get this car?
Thirty-year-old Greg: Well, the Bentley's in the shop.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Now, what are we going to do about Drew and these girls?
Julius: Huh? What?
Rochelle: Julius, every five minutes, some girl is calling or knocking at the door. Drew is way too young to get this much attention.
Julius: Rochelle, it's nothing, okay? Drew's only 11 years old. He don't care nothing about those girls.
Rochelle: Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And great-grandfathers at 43.
Julius: Baby, relax. Don't worry about it.
Rochelle: You don't worry about it, 'cause I ain't about to let nobody call me Grandmama.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With my mother on the job, I didn't get a girl till I was 33.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, I got you something.
Tangee: Really? That's so sweet. What else?
Chris: What else, what?
Tangee: Where's the gift?
Chris: I only got you a card.
Tangee: That's it? It's Valentine's Day, and all you got me was this cheap-ass card?
Chris: I-I-I just met you.
Tangee: So? Where's the flowers? Where's the candy? I thought I meant something to you. I thought we had a connection. You know, I could have stayed with Clyde's sorry ass if this is how you were going to treat me.
Chris: Can you please quiet down?
Tangee: Oh, you don't tell me to be quiet. Why don't you be quiet? Better yet, shut up! Tell me to be quiet. You ain't my daddy!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting cursed out on a bus is not really how I expected to end my Valentine's Day, but it did prove my point. If you have a crush, you get crushed.
Tangee: This is nothing but a piece of paper! I don't need this!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, where was the bus driver with a bat when you needed him?
Tangee: And I'd kiss your little funky cheek, but I could have stayed with Clyde. Here, take back your stupid card.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] 1983 was my first Valentine's Day as a teenager. I never really cared about Valentine's Day before, but now I couldn't ignore it. Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.
Al Capone: [film] Happy Valentine's Day. [gunfire]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yesterday, those roses cost $10. Today, they're $110. Even when you're broke, you have to find a way to tell your woman you love her.
[As a man spray paints a heart on a wall, a male and female police officer apprehend him]
Female Police Officer: Hey! You picked the wrong wall today.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even if it means getting the crap beat out of you. [the police officers kiss] On Valentine's Day, love was in the air. You should have seen what they did after they shot him.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's Tangee Brown.
Tangee: Hi.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All she ever said to me was "hi." That's all I needed. After that, she became my Bus Crush. I call it a Bus Crush because this one happened on a bus. One time I had an Elevator Crush. I almost lost my head trying to follow her around. [Chris screams as he gets trapped in the elevator doors] There was my Window Crush. [The girl screams as she sees Chris outside her window] The laws about that were a lot more relaxed at the time. There was only one problem with my Bus Crush... she had a boyfriend.

Quote from Adult Chris

Tangee: Why I got to be stupid? You're the one who lost your hat.
Clyde: I lost it because I was trying to keep you from getting on the wrong bus.
Tangee: So I'm dumb now?
Clyde: Yeah, Tangee. And you're getting on my nerves.
Tangee: Clyde, you still got my books.
Clyde: Here. You need to read them. Maybe they'll teach you how to act.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This must be how the drummer felt watching Ike and Tina fight.

Quote from Chris

Chris: You want to sit down?
Tangee: No, that's okay.
Chris: Oh, no, it's all right. I like to stand.
Tangee: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, somebody could have sold me a lifetime bus pass.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother loved Valentine's Day, and why not? I learned early on, Valentine's Day is not a day for couples. It's a day for women. If a woman shows up at a man's door empty-handed, big deal. But if a man shows up empty-handed, he may as well not have shown up at all.
Woman: Die, you pig! [throws a man off the roof]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He won't forget next year.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Drew, you need to tell these fast little girls to stop calling this house all hours of the day and night.
Drew: I told them already.
Rochelle: Well, tell them again. They're all calling here talking about, "Well, tell him his Valentine called." I don't have time for that mess.
Julius: Relax. Boy can't help it if he's popular.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: Chris, how many Valentine cards did you get so far?
Chris: None.
Tonya: How come girls don't like you?
Chris: Because none of your business, that's why.
Tonya: Don't get mad at me.
Julius: Hey, hey, hey.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mama, can you help me make a Valentine's Day card?
Julius: A homemade card. That's my little girl, saving that money.
Rochelle: Sure, baby. Who's it for?
Tonya: My boyfriend.
Julius: Your what friend?
Rochelle: Well, the girl can't help it if she's popular.

Quote from Julius

Drew: Hey, Ma, do you have a place where I can put all my Valentine's Day cards?
Rochelle: How many you giving out, boy?
Drew: Well, I'm not really giving them out. Girls just keep on giving them to me.
Julius: My man. Are girls supposed to give boys Valentine's Day cards?
Rochelle: Well, they're giving them to him.
Julius: What's that got to do to with me?

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: I wish somebody would give me a Valentine's Day card that says something besides "I hate you."
Drew: Well, if you want, you can have one of mine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I thought getting his hand-me-downs was bad.
Chris: No, thank you.
Rochelle: Who gave you a card that said "I hate you"?
Chris: Oh, I don't know. It's just a stupid joke.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't like Caruso, I didn't think he deserved to be cursed out by my mother.

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