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‘Everybody Hates Valentine's Day’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Valentine's Day

114. Everybody Hates Valentine's Day

Aired February 9, 2006

On Valentine's Day, Chris develops a crush on a girl on the bus. Meanwhile, Rochelle is concerned with all the attention Drew is getting, and Julius is shocked when Tonya says she has a boyfriend at school.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed like everybody was getting something except me.
Greg: Still a few days to go. We could still get a card.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "If we weren't friends, I'd smack the hope out of you."

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my father wasn't romantic, he wasn't stupid, either. He had a shoebox full of greeting cards in the house. He could give my mother a card for any occasion. Happy Anniversary.
Rochelle: Aw, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [o.s.] Happy Flag Day.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy Chanukah.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He used to keep candy under the bed, too, but the mice kept eating it.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't have any luck with girls when I was 13. Mostly, I just had a bunch of crushes. They call it a crush, because chances are if you open your mouth, you're gonna get crushed. They could have called it, "She don't like you, stupid," but "crush" is just quicker.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Hey, why do girls like guys that are mean to them?
Greg: Nice guys finish last. Maybe the mean guys beat the crap out of the nice guys so when the girls show up no one else is around.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, look, you got one, too. "Roses are red, violets are blue... Cupid hates your guts, and I do, too." Well, at this time he wrote a poem.

Quote from Greg

Chris: The girl on the bus. She gave me one yesterday.
Greg: And you didn't tell me? I know I go to bed early, but you could still call and wake me up when something this important happens.
Chris: Yeah, well, I wanted to tell you in person. I broke up a fight between her and her boyfriend.
Greg: You broke up a fight?
Chris: Yeah, and she gave me this card.
Greg: Dude, this is huge.
Chris: Is it? I-I don't know. It... It's just a card.
Greg: A card is, "I'm yours for the taking." How in there do you have to be before you get it?
Chris: Why is it that when it comes to me, you know so much about girls, but you freak out when one gives you a card?
Greg: I guess it's kind of like not being able to cut your own hair.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Hey, I got one. I got a Valentine's Day card.
Greg: Cool.
Chris: Hey, if I got a card, I know you will.
Greg: What's it say?
Joey Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too. Happy Valentine's Day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So much for love in the air.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before you ever buy a girl a gift, the first thing you've got to do is buy her the perfect card.
Greg: Nah, that's too much. You haven't even kissed her yet. Have you?
Chris: Um, how about this one? "You know the deal. I want you to be my valentine."
Greg: That's cool, but it's more for a friend than a girl. Whoa, cool. "Relatively speaking, would you be my valentine?" This is perfect.
Chris: For Tangee? No thanks.
Greg: No, for Joy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg never fought being a nerd. I always wondered how that worked out for him.
[fantasy: an older Greg is waiting in a sports car]
Thirty-year-old Greg: [honks horn] Come on, honey!
Sexy Woman: Greg, when did you get this car?
Thirty-year-old Greg: Well, the Bentley's in the shop.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Now, what are we going to do about Drew and these girls?
Julius: Huh? What?
Rochelle: Julius, every five minutes, some girl is calling or knocking at the door. Drew is way too young to get this much attention.
Julius: Rochelle, it's nothing, okay? Drew's only 11 years old. He don't care nothing about those girls.
Rochelle: Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And great-grandfathers at 43.
Julius: Baby, relax. Don't worry about it.
Rochelle: You don't worry about it, 'cause I ain't about to let nobody call me Grandmama.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With my mother on the job, I didn't get a girl till I was 33.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, I got you something.
Tangee: Really? That's so sweet. What else?
Chris: What else, what?
Tangee: Where's the gift?
Chris: I only got you a card.
Tangee: That's it? It's Valentine's Day, and all you got me was this cheap-ass card?
Chris: I-I-I just met you.
Tangee: So? Where's the flowers? Where's the candy? I thought I meant something to you. I thought we had a connection. You know, I could have stayed with Clyde's sorry ass if this is how you were going to treat me.
Chris: Can you please quiet down?
Tangee: Oh, you don't tell me to be quiet. Why don't you be quiet? Better yet, shut up! Tell me to be quiet. You ain't my daddy!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting cursed out on a bus is not really how I expected to end my Valentine's Day, but it did prove my point. If you have a crush, you get crushed.
Tangee: This is nothing but a piece of paper! I don't need this!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, where was the bus driver with a bat when you needed him?
Tangee: And I'd kiss your little funky cheek, but I could have stayed with Clyde. Here, take back your stupid card.

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