Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed like everybody was getting something except me.
Greg: Still a few days to go. We could still get a card.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "If we weren't friends, I'd smack the hope out of you."

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my father wasn't romantic, he wasn't stupid, either. He had a shoebox full of greeting cards in the house. He could give my mother a card for any occasion. Happy Anniversary.
Rochelle: Aw, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [o.s.] Happy Flag Day.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy Chanukah.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He used to keep candy under the bed, too, but the mice kept eating it.

Chris: Hey, look, you got one, too. "Roses are red, violets are blue... Cupid hates your guts, and I do, too." Well, at this time he wrote a poem.

Chris: The girl on the bus. She gave me one yesterday.
Greg: And you didn't tell me? I know I go to bed early, but you could still call and wake me up when something this important happens.
Chris: Yeah, well, I wanted to tell you in person. I broke up a fight between her and her boyfriend.
Greg: You broke up a fight?
Chris: Yeah, and she gave me this card.
Greg: Dude, this is huge.
Chris: Is it? I-I don't know. It... It's just a card.
Greg: A card is, "I'm yours for the taking." How in there do you have to be before you get it?
Chris: Why is it that when it comes to me, you know so much about girls, but you freak out when one gives you a card?
Greg: I guess it's kind of like not being able to cut your own hair.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't have any luck with girls when I was 13. Mostly, I just had a bunch of crushes. They call it a crush, because chances are if you open your mouth, you're gonna get crushed. They could have called it, "She don't like you, stupid," but "crush" is just quicker.

Chris: Hey, why do girls like guys that are mean to them?
Greg: Nice guys finish last. Maybe the mean guys beat the crap out of the nice guys so when the girls show up no one else is around.

Chris: Hey, I got one. I got a Valentine's Day card.
Greg: Cool.
Chris: Hey, if I got a card, I know you will.
Greg: What's it say?
Joey Caruso: Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too. Happy Valentine's Day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So much for love in the air.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before you ever buy a girl a gift, the first thing you've got to do is buy her the perfect card.
Greg: Nah, that's too much. You haven't even kissed her yet. Have you?
Chris: Um, how about this one? "You know the deal. I want you to be my valentine."
Greg: That's cool, but it's more for a friend than a girl. Whoa, cool. "Relatively speaking, would you be my valentine?" This is perfect.
Chris: For Tangee? No thanks.
Greg: No, for Joy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg never fought being a nerd. I always wondered how that worked out for him.
[fantasy: an older Greg is waiting in a sports car]
Thirty-year-old Greg: [honks horn] Come on, honey!
Sexy Woman: Greg, when did you get this car?
Thirty-year-old Greg: Well, the Bentley's in the shop.

Rochelle: Now, what are we going to do about Drew and these girls?
Julius: Huh? What?
Rochelle: Julius, every five minutes, some girl is calling or knocking at the door. Drew is way too young to get this much attention.
Julius: Rochelle, it's nothing, okay? Drew's only 11 years old. He don't care nothing about those girls.
Rochelle: Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And great-grandfathers at 43.
Julius: Baby, relax. Don't worry about it.
Rochelle: You don't worry about it, 'cause I ain't about to let nobody call me Grandmama.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With my mother on the job, I didn't get a girl till I was 33.

Chris: Hey, I got you something.
Tangee: Really? That's so sweet. What else?
Chris: What else, what?
Tangee: Where's the gift?
Chris: I only got you a card.
Tangee: That's it? It's Valentine's Day, and all you got me was this cheap-ass card?
Chris: I-I-I just met you.
Tangee: So? Where's the flowers? Where's the candy? I thought I meant something to you. I thought we had a connection. You know, I could have stayed with Clyde's sorry ass if this is how you were going to treat me.
Chris: Can you please quiet down?
Tangee: Oh, you don't tell me to be quiet. Why don't you be quiet? Better yet, shut up! Tell me to be quiet. You ain't my daddy!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting cursed out on a bus is not really how I expected to end my Valentine's Day, but it did prove my point. If you have a crush, you get crushed.
Tangee: This is nothing but a piece of paper! I don't need this!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now, where was the bus driver with a bat when you needed him?
Tangee: And I'd kiss your little funky cheek, but I could have stayed with Clyde. Here, take back your stupid card.