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‘Everybody Hates Jail’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Jail

121. Everybody Hates Jail

Aired May 4, 2006

Chris has to sell cookies to raise money for a field trip to Washington D.C. Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya come down with the chicken pox just as Julius and Rochelle are set to celebrate their anniversary with Dreamgirls tickets.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: It wasn't me. I go to Corleone Junior High. I got the cookies from school, and I'm just selling them so I can go on some trip to Washington, DC. And I did not steal them. I was just saying that so people would want to buy them.
Russo: You go to Corleone? What are you the only Black kid there? Nice try. There was an eyewitness, and you fit the profile, cookie boy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I may have only been 13, but I already knew how racial profiling worked. This is what the witness said...
[flashback:]
Man: He was a Black male, medium complexion, about 6'4, 230 pounds. He had brown eyes. Um, he was wearing a Scout uniform with a yellow beanie, and he had on dark pants, and size 14 dark shoes. And, uh, a birthmark on the back of his left wrist. Oh, and... And he walked with a limp.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But this is what the cop heard...
Man: Um, he was Black, and, uh, Black, Black, and Black. Um, Black, Black, and he Black, Black, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, uh, he had, uh, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, oh, a Black. Yeah. And, uh, he walked with a Black.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that traveling to faraway places was something that only rich people did. At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.
Ms. Morello: Class, I have an announcement. We're all going on a field trip to Washington, DC. You just need to have your parents sign your permission slips and sell 30 boxes of cookies to cover the cost of the trip. Chris, if your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She acts like it's caviar. It's just cookies, damn.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, you got to pull it together. This is the best field trip all year. I might get to see Tip O'Neill.
Chris: Who?
Greg: You've never heard of Thomas Tip O'Neill?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not unless he's related to Shaquille.
Greg: He's only like the most famous Speaker of the House of Representatives ever.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Well, I don't know what else I can do. I knocked on, like, 100 doors.
Joey Caruso: Well, you better knock on a 100 more, Jermaine, 'cause if I'm not on that bus to DC, I'm gonna Freedom March all over your face.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: How are we going to get there?
Ms. Morello: We're chartering a bus.
Joey Caruso: Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd like to sit you under a bus.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Go ahead, open it. Let's see what you got me. This is so sweet, baby.
Rochelle: Dreamgirls! Oh, Dreamgirls! Oh, baby! Well, how did you get tickets to Dreamgirls? These are expensive.
Julius: It's okay, I got them from Risky.
Rochelle: Risky?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father has gotten tickets from Risky before. For the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.
[flashback to Rochelle and Julius at the fight, with Julius's view obscured by a steel beam:]
Rochelle: Ooh! Ow.
Julius: What happened? Who's down? What happened?
Rochelle: Man!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
[flashback to Julius and Rochelle at a concert with Julius's view obscured by a column:]
Julius: What's she wearing? Did she throw her shoe yet?
Rochelle: Oh! I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yes, Patti, I love you, girl! Whoo!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, there goes Dreamgirls. Thanks anyway, baby. You know what? This would have been the best present you ever gave me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wouldn't be the first time my parents missed something because one of us was sick.
[flashback:]
Julius: I got a coupon for a free dinner!
Rochelle: Oh, I'm gonna get dressed.
Tonya: Mama, I have rabies!
Rochelle: Damn!
[flashback:]
Julius: I got Michael Jackson tickets!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll call the sitter.
Drew: Mama, my eye fell out.
Rochelle: Damn!
[flashback:]
Julius: We just won a trip to Miami!
Rochelle: Ooh, I'm gonna go get packed!
Chris: Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Rochelle: Damn.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Cookies! Cookies for sale! Chocolate chip, peanut butter, Do-Si-Do, chocolate mint!
Woman: I got cookies.
Chris: They just fell off the truck this morning.
Woman: Why didn't you say so? Give me two boxes.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: I ain't taking a bath in that. That looks nasty.
Julius: It'll help your itching.
Tonya: But I don't like oatmeal.
Julius: You don't have to eat it, girl, you got to take a bath in it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Then she's got to eat it. My father didn't waste food.

Quote from Chris

Russo: So what are you selling these things for, anyway?
Chris: A class trip to Washington, DC.
Russo: You got any peanut butter Do-Si-Do?
Chris: Just these.
Russo: Chocolate chip, huh? How much are they?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Say what you want about cops, they sure got a mean sweet tooth.
[later, when Julius arrives with Drew and Tonya to collect Chris]
Russo: [mouth full:] Sign right there and you're all set.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] With at least 100,000 people living in Bed-Stuy, selling 28 boxes of cookies couldn't be that hard.
[Chris knocks on the door of an apartment and finds a middle-aged White man climbing out the window:]
Chris: Hello?
Man: She said she was 18!
[After Chris knocks on another door, a gaunt man in a bath robe grabs a box of cookies and closes the door without saying a word]
Chris: Hey!
[When Chris knocks on another door, a girl scout answers holding the same box of cookies.]
Both: Would you like to buy...
Chris: Never mind.
[When Chris knocks on another door, a heavy-set man answers:]
Chris: Would you like to buy some cookies?
Man: I'll take four.
Woman: What are you doing?! He has diabetes. You trying to kill him?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I can't believe it's harder selling cookies than crack.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: I'm sorry.
Rochelle: Oh, no, Julius, it's okay. We'll just spend another anniversary at home. At least we'll be together.
Julius: You know what? These tickets are expensive. There's no reason why both of us should sit at home. I'll watch the kids. You go.
Rochelle: Okay.
[Rochelle rushes out of the living room]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If she had a ball, she could have played for the Jets.
Rochelle: [on the phone] Sheila! We're going to see Dreamgirls! That's right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Women never catch you in a lie when you want them to.
Rochelle: Okay. [sings] And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I've ever known And there's no way I could ever, ever go Darling, there's no way No [coughing] I'm living without ya I'm not living without ya Not living without ya I don't want to be Free I'm staying I'm staying And you, you, you You're gonna love me Jennifer, I'm coming!

Quote from Risky

Chris: Hey, Risky, you want to buy a box of cookies?
Risky: Hey, youngblood, I don't buy, I sell. You want to buy a VCR?
Chris: No, thanks.
Risky: Hey. You need a VCR?
Man: I got one already.
Risky: Fell off the truck this morning.
Man: Really? I'll take two.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I never realized the only stuff that sold on the street in my neighborhood was stolen stuff.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] All I knew about getting arrested was what I saw on TV. They read you your rights...
[clip from Dragnet:]
Sgt. Joe Friday: You have the right to remain silent.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] and you get a phone call...
[clip from Hackers:]
Police Officer: You get one call.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...and the food is horrible.
[clip from Stir Crazy:]
Harry Monroe: Thanks.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] What I found out was that the worst part of getting arrested is being treated like a criminal.
Chris: Excuse me, can I use the bathroom?
Desk Sergeant: Should have thought about using the bathroom before you started selling stolen goods.
Chris: I wasn't selling stolen goods.
Desk Sergeant: Then we must have got the wrong guy.
Chris: Don't I get, like, a phone call?
Desk Sergeant: Should have thought about making a phone call before you started selling stolen goods.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know I looked cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was doing this...
[fantasy: Chris is sobbing:]
Chris: I won't do it anymore, I promise! I'm not a thief! I want my mama!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All I was thinking was one way or another, I wish they'd let me go. Back at home, my father was thinking the same thing.

Quote from Chris

Russo: Come on, I need to put you in a lineup.
Chris: A lineup?
Russo: Yeah, apparently a delivery truck carrying cookies was hijacked in East Bergen the other day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know you're probably thinking who would hold up a cookie truck?
[flashback:]
Gunman: Don't move! Don't move! All we want are your cookies! Think I'm playing? Now, go!
Girl Scout #1: I'm not doin' time for this.
Girl Scout #2: Move! Go!
[reality:]
Chris: I didn't hijack a truck. I don't even know where East Bergen is.
Russo: Should have thought of that before you started selling stolen cookies.

Quote from Adult Chris

Police Officer: [over speaker] Face forward. Number two, stand still!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That looks like the cover of the last Commodores album.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Usually, my father wanted my mother to be happy. But this was the one time he was secretly hoping that the tickets that Risky gave him were horrible as usual.
Rochelle and Sheila: [sing] And you, and you, and you You're gonna love me
Rochelle: Oh, my God! These seats are great!
Sheila: I know! Oh, God, I hate to say it, but I'm glad your kids got the chicken pox. Oh! Happy anniversary.
Rochelle: Oh, thank you, Sheila. [both scream]
Rochelle: We love you! Yeah, girl. Don't go! You stay!
Sheila: You better go, girl! I'm staying!

Quote from Drew

Drew: So, uh, when's mom coming home?
Julius: It'll be a while. She's using my coupon to take Sheila to dinner, too.
Drew: How come she's going out with somebody else on your anniversary?
Julius: Well, I told her to go.
Drew: Why'd you do that?
Julius: Because I want your mother to be happy.
Drew: Oh. Well, if I had to stay at home and be with sick people while somebody else was out having fun, I'd be mad.
Julius: Well, I'm not mad.
Drew: I would be. I'd be sad, too. Be kind of depressed because she left me.
Julius: Yeah...
Drew: I'd be crying and everything. Man, I'd be so upset.
Julius: You know, let's get your temperature.
Drew: I don't see how you hold it in.
Julius: Here you go. Sit tight, don't move. I'll be back.

Quote from Chris

Police Officer: Hey, Russo, the kid's story checks out.
Russo: Looks like you were telling the truth. Your teacher confirmed your story.
Chris: Thank you.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah. She also said to tell you you're a credit to your race.
Chris: Can I leave now?
Russo: Sure. Soon as your parents come get you.
Chris: My parents? Can't you just let me go? I can't tell my mom I got arrested.
Russo: Should have thought of that before you started telling people you were selling stolen goods.

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