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‘Everybody Hates Jail’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Jail

121. Everybody Hates Jail

Aired May 4, 2006

Chris has to sell cookies to raise money for a field trip to Washington D.C. Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya come down with the chicken pox just as Julius and Rochelle are set to celebrate their anniversary with Dreamgirls tickets.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: It wasn't me. I go to Corleone Junior High. I got the cookies from school, and I'm just selling them so I can go on some trip to Washington, DC. And I did not steal them. I was just saying that so people would want to buy them.
Russo: You go to Corleone? What are you the only Black kid there? Nice try. There was an eyewitness, and you fit the profile, cookie boy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I may have only been 13, but I already knew how racial profiling worked. This is what the witness said...
[flashback:]
Man: He was a Black male, medium complexion, about 6'4, 230 pounds. He had brown eyes. Um, he was wearing a Scout uniform with a yellow beanie, and he had on dark pants, and size 14 dark shoes. And, uh, a birthmark on the back of his left wrist. Oh, and... And he walked with a limp.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But this is what the cop heard...
Man: Um, he was Black, and, uh, Black, Black, and Black. Um, Black, Black, and he Black, Black, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, uh, he had, uh, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, oh, a Black. Yeah. And, uh, he walked with a Black.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that traveling to faraway places was something that only rich people did. At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.
Ms. Morello: Class, I have an announcement. We're all going on a field trip to Washington, DC. You just need to have your parents sign your permission slips and sell 30 boxes of cookies to cover the cost of the trip. Chris, if your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She acts like it's caviar. It's just cookies, damn.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, you got to pull it together. This is the best field trip all year. I might get to see Tip O'Neill.
Chris: Who?
Greg: You've never heard of Thomas Tip O'Neill?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not unless he's related to Shaquille.
Greg: He's only like the most famous Speaker of the House of Representatives ever.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Well, I don't know what else I can do. I knocked on, like, 100 doors.
Joey Caruso: Well, you better knock on a 100 more, Jermaine, 'cause if I'm not on that bus to DC, I'm gonna Freedom March all over your face.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: How are we going to get there?
Ms. Morello: We're chartering a bus.
Joey Caruso: Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd like to sit you under a bus.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Go ahead, open it. Let's see what you got me. This is so sweet, baby.
Rochelle: Dreamgirls! Oh, Dreamgirls! Oh, baby! Well, how did you get tickets to Dreamgirls? These are expensive.
Julius: It's okay, I got them from Risky.
Rochelle: Risky?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father has gotten tickets from Risky before. For the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.
[flashback to Rochelle and Julius at the fight, with Julius's view obscured by a steel beam:]
Rochelle: Ooh! Ow.
Julius: What happened? Who's down? What happened?
Rochelle: Man!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
[flashback to Julius and Rochelle at a concert with Julius's view obscured by a column:]
Julius: What's she wearing? Did she throw her shoe yet?
Rochelle: Oh! I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yes, Patti, I love you, girl! Whoo!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, there goes Dreamgirls. Thanks anyway, baby. You know what? This would have been the best present you ever gave me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wouldn't be the first time my parents missed something because one of us was sick.
[flashback:]
Julius: I got a coupon for a free dinner!
Rochelle: Oh, I'm gonna get dressed.
Tonya: Mama, I have rabies!
Rochelle: Damn!
[flashback:]
Julius: I got Michael Jackson tickets!
Rochelle: Oh, I'll call the sitter.
Drew: Mama, my eye fell out.
Rochelle: Damn!
[flashback:]
Julius: We just won a trip to Miami!
Rochelle: Ooh, I'm gonna go get packed!
Chris: Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Rochelle: Damn.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Cookies! Cookies for sale! Chocolate chip, peanut butter, Do-Si-Do, chocolate mint!
Woman: I got cookies.
Chris: They just fell off the truck this morning.
Woman: Why didn't you say so? Give me two boxes.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: I ain't taking a bath in that. That looks nasty.
Julius: It'll help your itching.
Tonya: But I don't like oatmeal.
Julius: You don't have to eat it, girl, you got to take a bath in it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Then she's got to eat it. My father didn't waste food.

Quote from Chris

Russo: So what are you selling these things for, anyway?
Chris: A class trip to Washington, DC.
Russo: You got any peanut butter Do-Si-Do?
Chris: Just these.
Russo: Chocolate chip, huh? How much are they?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Say what you want about cops, they sure got a mean sweet tooth.
[later, when Julius arrives with Drew and Tonya to collect Chris]
Russo: [mouth full:] Sign right there and you're all set.

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