Chris: You're kidding. Did you get accepted?
Greg: Dude, I am so in there. Sorry.
Chris: Well, congratulations.
Greg: Thanks, man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was sarcasm, dummy.
Chris: So your mother submitted you for a scholarship without telling you?
Greg: Yeah, her and Ms. Morello. She was afraid that if I didn't get accepted, I'd be disappointed. When I was seven, I lost a spelling bee and went into a black depression.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That happened to me when I saw Soul Plane.
Greg: To this day, I can't say "pulchritudinous" without crying.

Chris: What you doing down here?
Greg: We had a half day today. I figured I'd try and catch up with you.
Chris: Is that coat the attire for the Bronx Academy?
Greg: Man, you wouldn't believe it. I found the one place on Earth where I'm not a nerd.
Chris: Where, in that coat?
Greg: The Bronx Academy. I'm the only one coming from a public school. I'm, like, the toughest kid there. Everyone's scared of me.
Chris: Scared of you or scared of that coat?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was the first time Greg scared anyone outside of a spelling bee.

Greg: How come she's not with Doc anyways? Where is he?
Chris: He plays chess in the park on weekends.
Greg: Just get her to go with him.
Chris: Thanks, Captain Obvious. How am I supposed to do that?
Greg: I don't know, citizen. Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution. The rest is up to you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kind of like Google.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was wondering how to collect a thousand dollars without collecting a bullet in my back.
Greg: You can't do it, man. You have any idea what they do to snitches in the joint?
Chris: Do you?
Greg: Yeah, I do. My Aunt Patricia told me.
Chris: Your Aunt Patricia was in jail?
Greg: Yeah, but that was when she was still my Uncle Pat. Trust me, dude, you do not want to snitch.
Chris: I don't know, man, I got to do something. There's a thousand dollars with my name on it.
Greg: Whatever you do, don't include me. And if anybody asks, this conversation never happened. [runs off]

Greg: Dude, did I see you talking to Big Bird yesterday?
Chris: Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.
Greg: She's, like, the goofiest girl this side of Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Chris: Well, I just got assigned my Brother from Another Mother today. Hope it's not a big hassle.
Greg: Wish I had one. I'd love to be a mentor. To form a lifelong bond, to know if I never did another thing in my life, I'd have made a difference in this world.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Which is why Greg had the happiest pet turtle.
Chris: Why don't you sign up?
Greg: I own a camera.

Greg: [on the phone with Chris] I can't believe your dad saved a guy. That's so cool. You know, if that guy had been a girl, he'd be so in there.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Another one of Greg's pickup techniques. If you stop a girl from killing herself, she might go out with you.

Greg: Whoa. It happens to you too.
Chris: What does?
Greg: They call you Chris-and-Greg even if I'm not here.
Chris: Yeah, that's who we are. We're Chris and Greg.
Greg: Oh, this is great. I thought I was the only one who didn't have a personality of his own, but you don't either.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yay! We both suck!
Greg: Sorry, Gerard, looks like I won't be needing you anymore.
Chris: Gerard?

Greg: How about wrestling?
Chris: I can't wrestle.
Greg: Anybody can wrestle. It's just two guys on a mat trying to throw each other down.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or as they call it in Chelsea, "Wednesday."
Chris: No way. No, I'll get killed. I only weigh 112 pounds.
Greg: They got weight classes. You only have to fight people your size. If you can't beat a guy who weighs 112 pounds, you don't deserve that letter.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was more depressed than the Fat Boys at a finger sandwich party.
Chris: My dad's surprise party is Saturday night, and I don't know how I'm gonna do that and see the Fat Boys, too.
Greg: So, surprise him. Don't be there. Look, I did my part. I can't get you out of the house, too.
Chris: You got the IDs?
Greg: Is Janet Jackson in control?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, but Michael isn't.
Chris: Let me guess, I'm Mr. T, and you're George Peppard?
Greg: Dude, they're free. What do you expect?