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‘Everybody Hates Graduation’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Graduation

322. Everybody Hates Graduation

Aired May 18, 2008

Chris is excited to finally graduate from Corleone, until he learns that and Greg won't be going to the same high school. Meanwhile, Julius's brother Ryan (Tony Rock) has another business idea, and Tonya is set to perform in a ballet recital.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Mr. Perkins: Can I have their fathers' names?
Rochelle: Ju...? Their fathers? No, no, no. They have one father.
Mr. Perkins: Do you know his name?
Rochelle: Where are you getting this information?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'll tell you where he's getting it.
[flashback: Ms. Morello addresses the camera in her class room:]
Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says. [drinks chocolate milk]

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Well, as crazy as it may seem, it turns out your father really does have two jobs. You're mother's not a heroin addict. She's even got a job. And apparently, you do own that house. Your family's doing far too well for you to qualify for financial aid. Chris, why did you lie?
Greg: So what does this mean?
Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, but it looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.
Chris: But this isn't fair.
Ms. Morello: I know, but always remember this. When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me and all God's chillins.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Graduating from Corleone was one of the best days of my life, because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't going to get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.
Rochelle: Straighten out your cap and gown, boy. And do not get on that stage and embarrass me in front of these White people, or else I'll slap the pomp out of your circumstances.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Scratch that.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arresting people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But what would you call it?

Quote from Drew

Ryan: Here, take this tape as a bonus, too. It's the Hilly Hill mix. Those guys are new, they're not really selling.
Drew: "MC Hammer"? "Public Enemy"? "DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince"? I've never heard of these guys.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You will.
Julius: You'd be better off erasing the tape and selling it blank.
Drew: Well, can I have the new Fat Boys album?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Go into Wal-Mart and ask that question now.
Ryan: Fine.
Drew: Cool. "Beastie Boys"?
Ryan: They're White.
Drew: White rappers? [laughs] I don't think so.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, sorry, man, but check it out. I was talking to this guy down at the station. Did you know George Foreman cooks?
Julius: The boxer?
Ryan: Yeah. He's coming out with this grill. I hear it's going to make a lot of money.
Julius: A George Foreman grill? No, that's all right, man. I'm gonna wait on the Muhammad Ali toaster oven.

Quote from Greg

Greg: You know, we can't let this happen. Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They were both White.
Greg: Butch and Sundance didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] White again.
Greg: Crocket and Tubbs didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tubbs thought he was White.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: So long, Greg. So long, Chris.
Chris: What? No final insult?
Joey Caruso: You got to go through the rest of your life being Black. I can't top that.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I knew I'd probably meet more people after I graduated, the fact was, Greg was my closest friend, and replacing him wasn't going to be easy.
[fantasy: Chris holds auditions in the school theater:]
Asian Boy: Dude, you are so in there.
Chris: Next.
Hasidic Boy: Dude, we are so in there.
Chris: Next.
Hasidic Boy: Oy.
Preppy White Boy: Dude, you are so in there, though I would prefer not ending a sentence with a prepositional phrase.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I would prefer never seeing your face again.
Chris: Next. Next... Next!
Kill Moves: Dude... you are...
Chris: Next!
Kill Moves: That's cold, man. I'm supposed to be your boy.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Greg is going, too.
Rochelle: Baby, you know he had a hard time at Corleone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was your idea to send me there.
Rochelle: And at least he doesn't have to make all new friends.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, I'll have a massive "one friend" head start.
Julius: Chris, you can make new friends at a public school. You've got the whole public to choose from.

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