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‘Everybody Hates Graduation’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Graduation

322. Everybody Hates Graduation

Aired May 18, 2008

Chris is excited to finally graduate from Corleone, until he learns that and Greg won't be going to the same high school. Meanwhile, Julius's brother Ryan (Tony Rock) has another business idea, and Tonya is set to perform in a ballet recital.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Mr. Perkins: Can I have their fathers' names?
Rochelle: Ju...? Their fathers? No, no, no. They have one father.
Mr. Perkins: Do you know his name?
Rochelle: Where are you getting this information?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'll tell you where he's getting it.
[flashback: Ms. Morello addresses the camera in her class room:]
Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says. [drinks chocolate milk]


Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Well, as crazy as it may seem, it turns out your father really does have two jobs. You're mother's not a heroin addict. She's even got a job. And apparently, you do own that house. Your family's doing far too well for you to qualify for financial aid. Chris, why did you lie?
Greg: So what does this mean?
Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, but it looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.
Chris: But this isn't fair.
Ms. Morello: I know, but always remember this. When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me and all God's chillins.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Graduating from Corleone was one of the best days of my life, because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't going to get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.
Rochelle: Straighten out your cap and gown, boy. And do not get on that stage and embarrass me in front of these White people, or else I'll slap the pomp out of your circumstances.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Scratch that.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arresting people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But what would you call it?

Quote from Drew

Ryan: Here, take this tape as a bonus, too. It's the Hilly Hill mix. Those guys are new, they're not really selling.
Drew: "MC Hammer"? "Public Enemy"? "DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince"? I've never heard of these guys.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You will.
Julius: You'd be better off erasing the tape and selling it blank.
Drew: Well, can I have the new Fat Boys album?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Go into Wal-Mart and ask that question now.
Ryan: Fine.
Drew: Cool. "Beastie Boys"?
Ryan: They're White.
Drew: White rappers? [laughs] I don't think so.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, sorry, man, but check it out. I was talking to this guy down at the station. Did you know George Foreman cooks?
Julius: The boxer?
Ryan: Yeah. He's coming out with this grill. I hear it's going to make a lot of money.
Julius: A George Foreman grill? No, that's all right, man. I'm gonna wait on the Muhammad Ali toaster oven.

Quote from Greg

Greg: You know, we can't let this happen. Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They were both White.
Greg: Butch and Sundance didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] White again.
Greg: Crocket and Tubbs didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tubbs thought he was White.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: So long, Greg. So long, Chris.
Chris: What? No final insult?
Joey Caruso: You got to go through the rest of your life being Black. I can't top that.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I knew I'd probably meet more people after I graduated, the fact was, Greg was my closest friend, and replacing him wasn't going to be easy.
[fantasy: Chris holds auditions in the school theater:]
Asian Boy: Dude, you are so in there.
Chris: Next.
Hasidic Boy: Dude, we are so in there.
Chris: Next.
Hasidic Boy: Oy.
Preppy White Boy: Dude, you are so in there, though I would prefer not ending a sentence with a prepositional phrase.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I would prefer never seeing your face again.
Chris: Next. Next... Next!
Kill Moves: Dude... you are...
Chris: Next!
Kill Moves: That's cold, man. I'm supposed to be your boy.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Greg is going, too.
Rochelle: Baby, you know he had a hard time at Corleone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was your idea to send me there.
Rochelle: And at least he doesn't have to make all new friends.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, I'll have a massive "one friend" head start.
Julius: Chris, you can make new friends at a public school. You've got the whole public to choose from.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Gregory, you've got such a bright future ahead of you. And, Chris, in your family, this must be like getting a PhD. Have you thought about what high school you're going to yet?
Chris: Oh, well, I want to go to the Bronx Academy of Science with Greg.
Ms. Morello: Now, Chris, you've graduated from junior high, but let's not get uppity.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I felt too low to get uppity.
Ms. Morello: The Bronx Academy is for the exemplary students. Maybe you should think about something more realistic.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She means a school with metal detectors.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: The belief that the United States was destined to expand from the Atlantic Seaboard to the Pacific Ocean was called "Manifest Destiny"?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Should've been called, "Hey, Indians, ready or not, here we come."

Quote from Ms. Morello

Greg: You made it to the Bronx Academy.
Ms. Morello: Well, hold on a minute.
Chris: Hold on a minute? What do you mean hold on a minute? I passed, didn't I?
Ms. Morello: Yes, but that only qualifies you for the home interview. And assuming your mother is sober for that, and it goes off okay, then you'll be eligible for the financial review.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What next, a drug test?
Ms. Morello: Then, of course, there's the drug test.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope Marion Jones doesn't want to go to this school.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Perkins: Young man, let me ask you a question. Why do you want to go to the Bronx Academy of Science?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because that's where my friend's going.
Chris: 'Cause I love science?
Mr. Perkins: Why do you love science?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because it's in the name of your school.
Chris: 'Cause I like to cut frogs open? Klingons?
Rochelle: [laughs] Mr. Perkins...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you don't let me in, she'll smack the scholastic out of you.

Quote from Ryan

Drew: Hey, Dad, Uncle Ryan said I could work for him, too.
Ryan: And you know you said you can't wait for Drew to get his first job.
Julius: That's not a real job. A real job takes place in a building. They shouldn't be able to tow your office.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unless you sell ice cream.
Ryan: I'm only selling out the back of my car for now. I'm going to move to something more permanent.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like a van.
Julius: What happened to your auto parts store?
Ryan: The owner broke it up for parts.

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