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‘Everybody Hates Graduation’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Graduation

322. Everybody Hates Graduation

Aired May 18, 2008

Chris is excited to finally graduate from Corleone, until he learns that and Greg won't be going to the same high school. Meanwhile, Julius's brother Ryan (Tony Rock) has another business idea, and Tonya is set to perform in a ballet recital.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Mr. Perkins: Can I have their fathers' names?
Rochelle: Ju...? Their fathers? No, no, no. They have one father.
Mr. Perkins: Do you know his name?
Rochelle: Where are you getting this information?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'll tell you where he's getting it.
[flashback: Ms. Morello addresses the camera in her class room:]
Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says. [drinks chocolate milk]

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Well, as crazy as it may seem, it turns out your father really does have two jobs. You're mother's not a heroin addict. She's even got a job. And apparently, you do own that house. Your family's doing far too well for you to qualify for financial aid. Chris, why did you lie?
Greg: So what does this mean?
Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, but it looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.
Chris: But this isn't fair.
Ms. Morello: I know, but always remember this. When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me and all God's chillins.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Graduating from Corleone was one of the best days of my life, because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't going to get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.
Rochelle: Straighten out your cap and gown, boy. And do not get on that stage and embarrass me in front of these White people, or else I'll slap the pomp out of your circumstances.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Scratch that.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arresting people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But what would you call it?

Quote from Drew

Ryan: Here, take this tape as a bonus, too. It's the Hilly Hill mix. Those guys are new, they're not really selling.
Drew: "MC Hammer"? "Public Enemy"? "DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince"? I've never heard of these guys.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You will.
Julius: You'd be better off erasing the tape and selling it blank.
Drew: Well, can I have the new Fat Boys album?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Go into Wal-Mart and ask that question now.
Ryan: Fine.
Drew: Cool. "Beastie Boys"?
Ryan: They're White.
Drew: White rappers? [laughs] I don't think so.

Quote from Greg

Greg: You know, we can't let this happen. Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They were both White.
Greg: Butch and Sundance didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] White again.
Greg: Crocket and Tubbs didn't break up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tubbs thought he was White.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Hey, sorry, man, but check it out. I was talking to this guy down at the station. Did you know George Foreman cooks?
Julius: The boxer?
Ryan: Yeah. He's coming out with this grill. I hear it's going to make a lot of money.
Julius: A George Foreman grill? No, that's all right, man. I'm gonna wait on the Muhammad Ali toaster oven.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: So long, Greg. So long, Chris.
Chris: What? No final insult?
Joey Caruso: You got to go through the rest of your life being Black. I can't top that.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I knew I'd probably meet more people after I graduated, the fact was, Greg was my closest friend, and replacing him wasn't going to be easy.
[fantasy: Chris holds auditions in the school theater:]
Asian Boy: Dude, you are so in there.
Chris: Next.
Hasidic Boy: Dude, we are so in there.
Chris: Next.
Hasidic Boy: Oy.
Preppy White Boy: Dude, you are so in there, though I would prefer not ending a sentence with a prepositional phrase.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I would prefer never seeing your face again.
Chris: Next. Next... Next!
Kill Moves: Dude... you are...
Chris: Next!
Kill Moves: That's cold, man. I'm supposed to be your boy.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Greg is going, too.
Rochelle: Baby, you know he had a hard time at Corleone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was your idea to send me there.
Rochelle: And at least he doesn't have to make all new friends.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, I'll have a massive "one friend" head start.
Julius: Chris, you can make new friends at a public school. You've got the whole public to choose from.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Gregory, you've got such a bright future ahead of you. And, Chris, in your family, this must be like getting a PhD. Have you thought about what high school you're going to yet?
Chris: Oh, well, I want to go to the Bronx Academy of Science with Greg.
Ms. Morello: Now, Chris, you've graduated from junior high, but let's not get uppity.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I felt too low to get uppity.
Ms. Morello: The Bronx Academy is for the exemplary students. Maybe you should think about something more realistic.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She means a school with metal detectors.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: The belief that the United States was destined to expand from the Atlantic Seaboard to the Pacific Ocean was called "Manifest Destiny"?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Should've been called, "Hey, Indians, ready or not, here we come."

Quote from Ms. Morello

Greg: You made it to the Bronx Academy.
Ms. Morello: Well, hold on a minute.
Chris: Hold on a minute? What do you mean hold on a minute? I passed, didn't I?
Ms. Morello: Yes, but that only qualifies you for the home interview. And assuming your mother is sober for that, and it goes off okay, then you'll be eligible for the financial review.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What next, a drug test?
Ms. Morello: Then, of course, there's the drug test.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope Marion Jones doesn't want to go to this school.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Perkins: Young man, let me ask you a question. Why do you want to go to the Bronx Academy of Science?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because that's where my friend's going.
Chris: 'Cause I love science?
Mr. Perkins: Why do you love science?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because it's in the name of your school.
Chris: 'Cause I like to cut frogs open? Klingons?
Rochelle: [laughs] Mr. Perkins...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you don't let me in, she'll smack the scholastic out of you.

Quote from Ryan

Drew: Hey, Dad, Uncle Ryan said I could work for him, too.
Ryan: And you know you said you can't wait for Drew to get his first job.
Julius: That's not a real job. A real job takes place in a building. They shouldn't be able to tow your office.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unless you sell ice cream.
Ryan: I'm only selling out the back of my car for now. I'm going to move to something more permanent.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like a van.
Julius: What happened to your auto parts store?
Ryan: The owner broke it up for parts.

Quote from Ryan

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When you're Black, first the cops charge, then they explain the charge.
Ryan: What's the charges?
Cop #2: Copyright infringement.
Ryan: Infringement? What are you taking about? I was just making tapes of people's songs.
Cop #2: Just get in the car.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As graduation got closer, I thought about my days at Corleone. It had been tough, but the one good thing was that Greg was always there. We got beaten up together.
Joey Caruso: Hey, Zephyr. [Greg runs away]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And, of course, we hung out after school together.
Greg: [knocking inside his locker] Do you think it's safe to go out yet?
Chris: [inside his locker] No, we'd better give it another hour.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And now we'd be going to high school together.
Greg: Dude, I've got some bad news. I'm not going to high school with you.
Chris: What?!
Greg: My mother submitted me for a scholarship to the Bronx Academy of Science without telling me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Better than the time she submitted him for adoption without telling him.

Quote from Greg

Chris: You're kidding. Did you get accepted?
Greg: Dude, I am so in there. Sorry.
Chris: Well, congratulations.
Greg: Thanks, man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was sarcasm, dummy.
Chris: So your mother submitted you for a scholarship without telling you?
Greg: Yeah, her and Ms. Morello. She was afraid that if I didn't get accepted, I'd be disappointed. When I was seven, I lost a spelling bee and went into a black depression.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That happened to me when I saw Soul Plane.
Greg: To this day, I can't say "pulchritudinous" without crying.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Are you crazy? Do you see the tuition at this school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was all he saw.
Rochelle: This is a good school.
Julius: This is an expensive school. He's going to end up a homeless genius.
Rochelle: I think Chris can benefit from being around kids like this that go to a school like this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She means White kids.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Look at all these great teachers they have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She means White teachers.
Julius: If we send Chris to that school, what'll happen when Drew and Tonya graduate?
Rochelle: Oh, baby... Can't we just worry about that then? Can we just think about it?
Julius: I thought about it. And I'm smart enough to know we are too poor for Chris to be that smart.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now I'm rich enough to be stupid.
Julius: Sorry, man.

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