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‘Everybody Hates Varsity Jackets’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Varsity Jackets

412. Everybody Hates Varsity Jackets

Aired January 16, 2009

Chris joins the wrestling team so he can get a Varsity jacket. Meanwhile, Rochelle puts the whole family on a die, and Drew forms a girl band which Tonya wants to join.

Quote from Chris

Ms. Morello: So, what have you prepared for us, Chris?
Chris: I would like to do a selection from Uncle Ben's Cabin.
Ms. Morello: You mean Uncle Tom's Cabin?
Chris: No. Uncle Ben's. It's a lesser known work by Mark Twain's cousin, Dwayne.
Ms. Morello: Dwayne Twain?
Chris: Yes.
Ms. Morello: Go ahead.
Chris: Rice, rice, rice. You think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives, till I can't gives no more.
Ms. Morello: Still I rise. Oh, Chris, I have just the part for you in our next production.

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Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Wanting a letter was one thing, figuring out how to get it was a whole other story.
Chris: How am I supposed to get a letter in a sport when I'm terrible at sports?
Greg: Maybe there's something a guy like you would be good at.
Chris: I need a sport without water, balls, hoops, hurdles, bats, cleats, clubs, gloves, tracks, fields, weights or boards.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Isn't that cheerleading?

Quote from Julius

Chris: You know, these shakes would be really good with a burger and some fries. Can we get some real food?
Tonya: Yeah. I'm hungry.
Drew: Me too.
Julius: Look, why don't we all just give this diet a chance? I think it's pretty good, actually.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father didn't really like the shakes. He just found out it was cheaper than groceries.
Julius: And, you know, since we've been on this diet, I've saved over $50 in groceries.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Told you.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Oh, Chris. What were you thinking, getting out on that mat?
Chris: I was trying to get a varsity letter.
Ms. Morello: Well, you didn't need to go out there and let those boys go upside your head for that. There are other ways to get a letter.
Chris: Like what?
Ms. Morello: You could audition for the drama club.
Chris: You can get a letter for being an actor?
Ms. Morello: Sure. I bet you'd be a natural, like Jim Kelly, Jim Brown, Blackula, O.J. Simpson. Your people have a natural facility for deception. Why not use it to your advantage?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because I'm too busy robbing people, dealing drugs and making babies.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew found a place to rehearse with a man who drove a hearse.
Drew: So I just need to rent your place for rehearsals.
Mr. Omar: Uh-huh. So you won't be videotaping anything untoward, will you?
Drew: I don't know what that means.
Mr. Omar: It means: lewd, nude, crude, lascivious, naked, nasty.
Drew: In that case, no.
Mr. Omar: Okay, then, pay me half in advance. Oh. Nice doing business with you, Drew.

Quote from Chris

[fantasy:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd get respect.
Joey Caruso: Good morning, sir. Here are your books. What time would you like to smack the crap out of me?
Chris: 2:30.
Joey Caruso: Thank you, sir.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd get perks.
Ms. Morello: Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.
Chris: Is he smart?
Ms. Morello: Chris, he's Asian. [gong sounds] If you could turn his smart into Black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.
Chris: Cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know? And I'd get the only thing I really cared about: girls.
Girls: Good morning, Chris.
Chris: Good morning, angels.
[reality:]
Joey Caruso: [steps on Chris's sneaker] Watch it, Jabbar.
Greg: Oh, man, he scuffed your shoe.
Chris: I don't care about this shoe. I want to get one of them letters.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And the letter's gonna get me one of those girls.

Quote from Greg

Greg: How about wrestling?
Chris: I can't wrestle.
Greg: Anybody can wrestle. It's just two guys on a mat trying to throw each other down.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or as they call it in Chelsea, "Wednesday."
Chris: No way. No, I'll get killed. I only weigh 112 pounds.
Greg: They got weight classes. You only have to fight people your size. If you can't beat a guy who weighs 112 pounds, you don't deserve that letter.

Quote from Chris

Coach Brantley: What do you weigh?
Chris: One-twelve.
Coach Brantley: We got nobody in your weight class.
Chris: Guess I'll just leave, then.
Coach Brantley: Don't be an idiot. You weighed in at 112. You'll wrestle 113. Got nobody in your weight class? You're automatically on the varsity.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The first time in my life being a skinny nerd worked in my favor.

Quote from Chris

Coach Brantley: Chris, since this is your first day on the mat, I'm gonna walk you through some moves. You watch wrestling on TV?
Chris: All the time. Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, the Iron Sheik. I love all those guys.
Coach Brantley: Well, that's too bad, because all that crap is fake.
Chris: Oh. Well, what's first?
Coach Brantley: This is a cross-face. This is a neck scissors. This is a half nelson. This is the full nelson. This is a Ricky Nelson. That's a joke... Ricky Nelson. See, I said half, full, then Ricky. You like that?
Chris: Hilarious.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, I found out when the woman of the house goes on a diet, everybody in the house goes on a diet.
Rochelle: Okay, everybody, dinner is served.
Julius: No, it ain't. What is this?
Rochelle: It's the Nipsey Russell Bermudian Diet.
Drew: Why are we on a diet?
Rochelle: Because we put our jeans on and they won't button.
Julius: How come we can't eat because your jeans don't fit?
Tonya: Yeah, why don't you just buy a bigger pair of jeans?
Rochelle: Because, nobody asked you.

Quote from Adult Chris

Julius: Hey, Chris, how's it going on the wrestling team?
Chris: Oh, I'm undefeated. They call me the Black Plague.
Rochelle: Isn't that an insult?
Julius: Well, I'm just glad you're winning. You don't want to know the things they called Jackie Robinson.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you really want to know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father was pounding shakes, I was pounding cake.
Referee: Chris, get on the scale.
Chris: [to Greg] Hold this.
Referee: One-fourteen. You're going to have to wrestle a class up today.
Chris: [mouth full] How did that happen?
Greg: What did you expect? You ate a couple pieces of pound cake, so you gained a couple of pounds. Anyways, I gotta go to drama club. Be careful out there, man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm not worried about it. What difference could a pound make? None, unless I had to fight somebody.
Chris: Ow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not even Don King could have fixed that match.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unfortunately for me, they found a cure for the Black Plague: a good ass whooping.

Quote from Julius

Julius: So I've been spending money on shakes while you've been wasting money on food?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only my father would think food was a waste of money.
All: Yes.
Julius: I work two jobs, and you let me leave the house with nothing on my stomach but a fish juice shake?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not cool, unless your husband's a shark.
Julius: If this is how you do when you're trying to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: There won't be a next time with me. I'm taking the other girls and we're starting our own group.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Called TMA. Too Much Attitude.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Bam!
Drew: Ma, why are you wearing my jeans?
Rochelle: These are my jeans.
Drew: No, they're not. They're my ten dollar lucky jeans. I always keep ten dollars in the right front pocket.
Rochelle: You mean I've been killing myself to get into a boy's pair of pants?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You and Michael Jackson.
Julius: That was--
Rochelle: $98.45 worth of wasted shakes.
Julius: It's not a total waste. [smacks Rochelle's butt]
Rochelle: Baby, give me a biscuit.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In professional sports, the best athletes get a sneaker contract.
Greg: Are those Air Jordans?
Chris: Yeah. My dad got them for me last year.
Greg: Oh, that's so cool. He's, like, the best guy in the NBA.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As cool as it was having Jordan sneakers, it was nowhere near as cool as having a varsity letter.
Chris: Man, I would set these sneakers on fire and eat them for a varsity letter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how David Blaine got his.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya tried to get into Drew's group, my mother tried to get into a pair of jeans.
Rochelle: Dang it!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She sweated less during childbirth.
Rochelle: That's it. I'm going on a diet.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Aren't you gonna do something?
Princess Latifah: Why don't you do something?
Drew: Because I'm the one auditioning you.
Princess Latifah: No one talk to Princess Latifah like that! Next!
[Two men drag Drew away]

Quote from Drew

Drew: That was cool.
Girl #1: So, what's the name of your group?
Drew: It's gonna be called Fish and Chips. So you guys in?
Both: Yeah!
Drew: Cool.

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