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‘Everybody Hates Doc’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Doc

406. Everybody Hates Doc

Aired November 7, 2008

Chris doesn't like working for Doc's new girlfriend, Stacy (Robin Givens). Meanwhile, Tonya tries to get boys' attention by wearing a stuffed bra to school.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Okay, I'm gonna ask this question once. But before I ask it, I want y'all to understand what the stakes are. Because if y'all say that you've never seen that bra before, I'm gonna kill your father. Yeah, and then I'm gonna go to jail, and then you guys are gonna be split up and sent to live in foster care.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like a BET movie-of-the-week.
Rochelle: So, does everybody understand? Okay. Okay, the question is, did anybody sitting at this table put that bra in your father's sock drawer?
Chris: No.
Drew: Wasn't me. [Rochelle turns to Tonya]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We have a winner.
Rochelle: Okay, boys, you can go to bed now.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Gladly!
Rochelle: Julius, you can leave, too. You're lucky.

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Believe it or not, Doc's girlfriend was only the second-worst boss I've had. Mr. Fong was the worst. And I could only imagine how hard it would be working for him again.
[fantasy:]
Mr. Fong: Hey, quit imagining what it would be like to work for me and get back to work, Lionel Richie.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was happy Doc had a girlfriend. Too bad I have to kill her.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While one innocent man was off the hook, another was on death row and didn't even know it.
Julius: I love this song. Dinner smells delicious. What is it?
Rochelle: Two breasts.
Julius: Since when have you been interested in guns?
Rochelle: Since I found this bra in your sock drawer! [slams a knife into the table]
Julius: Rochelle?
Rochelle: What?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If my father had been paying attention, he would've noticed a few things.
Julius: I don't know anything about that bra. I've never seen that bra in my life?
Rochelle: So what was it doing in your sock drawer?
Julius: I have no idea.
Rochelle: Oh. Did a pair of your socks have a date last night and get lucky? Or maybe a pair of your socks thought it was a bra trapped inside socks' body! Or maybe you had a friend over, and she put 'em there.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I asked Greg what to do about Stacy, and he gave me the advice he always gave regarding women.
Greg: I don't know what to tell you, dude.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thanks.

Quote from Julius

Julius: You getting paid to do whatever keeps that woman happy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like James Brolin.
Chris: Why do I have to do that?
Julius: That's why they call it a "job," Chris. Apparently, you got it mixed up with a vacation.
Chris: There's nothing I can do?
Julius: Well...
[fantasy: Chris watches as a van pulls up next to Stacy, two men jump out, blindfold her and shove her in the back of the van before driving off]
Chris: Don't you think that's taking it a little far?
Julius: If it is, then it must not be that bad.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since having Stacy kidnapped was out of my price range, I decided to make my case with Doc.
Doc: What are you doing here, Chris? You don't work till tomorrow.
Chris: I came to talk to you about Stacy.
Drew: I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie. And if she was 13, I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?
Stacy: Well, I don't understand why I have to wait to be served while you hold a spot for somebody that obviously doesn't respect your business enough to show up here on time. Or is that why the place is empty?
Rochelle: Now wait a minute, Miss Thing. I have two questions for you. Who are you and--?
Vanessa: And who asked you?
Stacy: I'm Stacy Deveaux. It's French.
Rochelle: Mm, do you want to hear some more French?

Quote from Chris

Greg: Stacy really that bad?
Chris: Last weekend, she made me give her grandmother a bath.
[flashback:]
Old Woman: Chris, I hear you sneaking out! Don't you leave me in this tub again!
[present:]
Greg: Why don't you just quit? You can find another job.
Chris: Not like this one. I mean, I make decent money, it's close to my house, and I can make my own hours. It's either Doc's or I start dealing crack.

Quote from Greg

Greg: How come she's not with Doc anyways? Where is he?
Chris: He plays chess in the park on weekends.
Greg: Just get her to go with him.
Chris: Thanks, Captain Obvious. How am I supposed to do that?
Greg: I don't know, citizen. Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution. The rest is up to you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kind of like Google.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Tonya, that's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it?
Tonya: Oh, this boy gave it to me.
Julius: Well, give it back. You're too young to be getting gifts from boys.
Rochelle: [sighs] Julius, don't get carried away. It's just a plastic necklace.
Julius: Next it'll be a plastic bracelet, then a plastic ring. I want this to stop at the neck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He said that till she turned 35.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, you ask me, Doc just dodged a bullet. She was nothing but a gold digger anyway.
Tonya: What's a gold digger?
Rochelle: It's a woman who's with an older man for his money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Isn't that an "old digger"?
Julius: Just because Doc has a little money doesn't make her a gold digger. Besides, what's wrong with Doc having a younger woman?
Rochelle: Is that what you're gonna say to me when I turn 60? You just gonna leave me and run off with a 35-year-old cashier? She should be about 12 right about now. Why don't you run out and buy her a plastic necklace?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Of the million things my father could've said at that moment, he chose the smartest one: nothing.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother found the bra in my father's sock drawer, she stared at it like the woman was still in it.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Over at Stacy's, I didn't know what was worse, having to confess what I had done or feeling like I was in the Bronx Zoo.
Stacy: So, what'd you want to talk to me about?
Chris: You got to give Doc another chance.
Stacy: Chris... Doc is a liar. And I know that you want to take up for him, but he doesn't deserve another chance. Ooh! He is like all the other men I've ever dated! He lied, they lied, because they're liars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The story of the Bush Administration.
Chris: Doc's not like that.
Stacy: He is. Chris, don't grow up to be like that. No matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings, you have to tell her the truth. She may hate you, she may burn down your house or pour bleach on your clothes, or attack your new girlfriend with ants or take every dime you make. She may scratch your car with a rake or use your home phone to call China long distance. Or she could put milk and detergent in your gas tank. Or put turpentine and nail polish remover and itching powder in your underwear. [2 hours later] She may glue your private parts to your leg. She may send an assassination threat to the president with your return address.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Okay, Tonya, talk to me.
Tonya: [sighs] W-Well, I saw these boys paying attention to girls who wear bras, so I stole Tasha's, because I wanted some of that attention, too.
Rochelle: Baby. Tonya, that's not the kind of attention that you want. You want boys to look at what's in your heart, not what's in your bra.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In my sister's case, they were both empty.
Rochelle: Tonya, you're moving too fast. I mean, you're not ready for this. What did you do, stick tissue in it?
Tonya: Yeah.
Rochelle: Okay, well Tonya, you having a bra is like you buying a saddle before you get the horse. You know, boys will pay attention to you, but they're not really looking at you, they're admiring your saddle. And- And- And when you do get the horse, then everything is different, because then you need the saddle.
Tonya: Wait, are we talking about bras or saddles?
Julius: [o.s.] Saddles!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wasn't pretty, but Doc had gotten his nights back with his queen.
Mr. Mervin Bingham: You know your king's in check?
Stacy: He most certainly is.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weekends, which was all I ever wanted. Doc had said he was getting another cashier. Whoever it was, they would have to be better than Stacy.
Mr. Fong: Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late. Get busy. Scrub floor.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After I became the manager of Tattaglia's football team, I only had time to work at Doc's on the weekends. Working two days a week seemed like it was going to be a breeze, and then Doc got a girlfriend.
Doc: Hey, Chris, I want you to meet my new leading lady. Look-a here, look-a here. Stacy.
Chris: Hi.
Stacy: Hi.
Doc: She'll be taking over for me here on the weekends.
Stacy: Doc's told me so much about you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He didn't tell me a thing about you.
Chris: What do you mean, "taking over"?
Doc: Well, you know I can use a little time off.
Stacy: So I'll be minding the store. We'll get along great.
Doc: And you'll be working for a much better-looking boss.
Chris: Cool.
Doc: And remember, whatever she says goes.
Chris: Yeah, no problem.
Stacy: Are these cans always so dusty?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Problem.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stacy may have been a dream come true for Doc, but she turned out to be my worst nightmare.
Chris: There, all done.
Stacy: Chris, you did it all wrong! I want everything on the top to go on the bottom, and everything on the bottom to go on the top.
Chris: Why?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because she's crazy.
Stacy: Because I don't work for you, you work for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I told you she's crazy.
Stacy: And when you finish with that, I have some errands for you to run.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When she said I work for her, she meant it. I had to go for groceries, get her dry cleaning and mine her coal.
Stacy: And when you're done, go get me a new bird.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my father knew everything there was to know about having jobs, I decided to ask him what to do about Stacy.
Chris: Hey, Dad, you ever had a boss you didn't like?
Julius: I never had one I did like. Why? You having trouble with Doc?
Chris: Nah, I love Doc, it's his girlfriend who's...
Julius: Whoa, whoa. Son, stop right there. That's Doc's woman. Whether you like it or not, she's there to stay.
Chris: You think so?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Beatles didn't break up John and Yoko.
Julius: If it comes down to you or her, you're gonna be out of job. 'Cause if you have a problem with her, you're gonna have a problem with Doc.
Chris: But I've been on the job with Doc for years. She's been on the job for a month.
Julius: Let's just say you two do very different jobs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Let's just say what he does to her, now she's doing to me.

Quote from Adult Chris

Doc: Ah, Stacy, mm! That is one fine woman. Mm! I think she's a real keeper. Now, what is it you wanted to ask me?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Can you lend me money for a kidnapping?
Chris: Nothing. I just wondered how you guys met.
Doc: Well, that's a funny story.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But not so funny that we're gonna watch him while he tells it.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: I know you. You the one been messing with Doc.
Stacy: I am not "messing" with Doc. We're a couple. And that's a little bit different than a mess.
Rochelle: Not too much.
Stacy: Excuse me?
Rochelle: You're excused.
Vanessa: Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. We can't help you.
Stacy: Yes, you are sorry. And you don't need to help me. You need to help yourself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know you are, but what am I?

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