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‘Everybody Hates James’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates James

409. Everybody Hates James

Aired November 28, 2008

Ms. Morello makes the football team, including Chris, do community service by becoming "big brothers". Meanwhile, the family get an answering machine, and Julius discovers an up-and-coming new talk show called Oprah.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Okay, shh! Last time. [tapes] Hello. No one is available to take this call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep. [stops tape] See? Is that good for everybody?
Chris: Yeah, that was good.
Drew: Yeah.
Tonya: You sound like a White woman.
Rochelle: Get out of here before I smack the naps out your hair.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now she sounds like a Black woman.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What's in the bag?
Julius: I'm throwing out your makeup.
Rochelle: You're doing what?!
Julius: Oprah said you don't have to paint your face for me. I love you just the way you are.
Rochelle: Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And neither does my father.
Rochelle: Julius, baby, do you know what's in this bag? Rochelle is in this bag! See, here's Rochelle's lips, here's her eyelashes, her complexion, her cheeks, her fingernails! Julius, I don't know what Oprah's saying, but she's giving out very dangerous information. Baby, there are certain things that men just don't need to know about women.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like everything.
Julius: I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know you're good enough for me. Even if your face is inside this bag.
Rochelle: Thank you. I appreciate that. Baby, you really want to do something for me?
Julius: Anything.
Rochelle: Stop watching Oprah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how Oprah's audience turned from all men to all women.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Just because your work on the field is done doesn't mean your job with the team is over. It's time to start thinking about what we do in the field of life. So I've signed the team up for community service.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what they used to call slavery.
Ms. Morello: I myself have always been a big supporter of big brothers.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's not talking about the organization.
[flashback to Ms. Morello sitting at a bar when a Black man walks up:]
Ms. Morello: My... you're a big brother. Let's dance.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When he was done getting answers out of me, my family started getting answers out of a machine.
Tonya: I want to leave the message.
Drew: It has to be a man's voice.
Julius: Look, I bought it, I'll leave it.
Chris: Why can't I do it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because everybody hates you.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was growing up, talk shows were usually hosted by old White men.
Julius: Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue, Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But in 1986, one woman changed that forever.
Julius: [mispronouncing] Op-rah Winfrey. "How to have a stronger marriage." Hmm.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And with that, Oprah's primary fan base, married working class men, began to take shape.

Quote from Greg

Greg: So who's the kid?
Chris: Cleavon Barris.
Greg: Where's he live?
Chris: Bed-Stuy, which is weird 'cause I thought I knew all the kids in the neighborhood.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] See? All Black people don't know each other.
Greg: That is weird. I thought all Black people knew each other.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey, hey Hey! What y'all doing here?
Rochelle: We live here. What are you doing here?
Julius: Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And where did he get a credit card?
Jerome: This? Nah. This was an accident. I thought this was my house.
Chris: You live across the street.
Jerome: Sorry, man. I'm dyslexic. Hey, um I didn't mean to interrupt. Just going to leave.
Julius: You do that.

Quote from Adult Chris

James: You wearing a wire?
Chris: No!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No one ever waits for the answer before ripping your shirt open.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that's how the message on our answering machine became...
Julius: [on machine] We're not home right now. Leave a message after the beep.
[Jerome enters the room and walks towards the answering machine]
Julius: Hey, Jerome.
Jerome: Hey! Man, I- I was just...
Julius: I know what you were doing. Just take the answering machine and get out.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He still came back later to try and steal the TV.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: So I'm bringing a rep from the Brother from Another Mother organization to our school!
Chris: Brother from Another Mother?
Ms. Morello: Yes, they help match enfranchised youth with disenfranchised youths, such as Blacks and Latinos, to help support and guide them. [A jock raises his hand] Uh-huh.
Jock: What if I'm already supporting some Latino kids?
Ms. Morello: Well, if you're already a baby daddy, then you're excused.
Jock: Yes!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do you get extra credit if you're a baby granddaddy?
Ms. Morello: But the rest of you, fill out these forms so I can set you up with appointments. You, too, Chris. If you want to remain team manager, you have to do this. Even if all you do is clean sweaty jockstraps, you're just as important as the quarterback.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wish somebody would let the cheerleaders know.
Ms. Morello: It's people like you, Chris, that make the ghetto a better place to live.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And it's people like you that get robbed if I don't.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Everybody, be quiet. I'll leave the message. [tapes] Hello. Thank you for calling. No one is available to take your call right now. At the sound of the tone, please leave...
Julius: It's a beep.
Rochelle: What's the difference?
Julius: Some people are tone-deaf, but nobody's beep-deaf.
Rochelle: Fine.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Well, I just got assigned my Brother from Another Mother today. Hope it's not a big hassle.
Greg: Wish I had one. I'd love to be a mentor. To form a lifelong bond, to know if I never did another thing in my life, I'd have made a difference in this world.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Which is why Greg had the happiest pet turtle.
Chris: Why don't you sign up?
Greg: I own a camera.

Quote from Julius

Julius: I wonder who that was.
Rochelle: Do you?
Chris: Should we go upstairs?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Did you get fired from your job, Daddy?
Julius: No.
Drew: Did you get fired from your other job?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Then who was that on the phone?
Julius: I don't know. They didn't leave a message.
Rochelle: Why not?
Julius: I don't know.
Rochelle: Well, if nothing's wrong, why are you bringing me flowers?
Julius: I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was married to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now legal in California.

Quote from Julius

Chris: Hey, so does anybody know a kid from around here named Cleavon Barris?
Rochelle: No, why?
Chris: I got signed up for that Brother from Another Mother program, and they said he lives around here, but I ain't never met him.
Rochelle: Julius, do you know of a child from another mother around here named...
Julius: Cleavon Barris? No.
Drew: You remembered his name pretty quick.
Tonya: Yeah, it'd be better to tell now if you do.
Julius: I don't. I brought flowers for your mother because I love her. Is that so hard to believe?
All: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And with that, my father was the first man The Oprah Show ever got in trouble.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Vanessa's out for a week? I wonder why she didn't call me.
Pam: Well, I tried calling you last night to let you know I was filling in, but, um, I must've had the wrong number, 'cause some White lady answered the phone, and I just hung up.
Rochelle: Oh, no. That was me. See, we got a new answering machine, and that's my phone voice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Phone voice, White voice. Same thing.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hey, baby. Who the hell is Oprah?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the last time those words were ever spoken.
Julius: Baby, I...
Rochelle: Uh-uh. Before you explain, I want you to listen so we're very clear on what you need to tell me.
Jerome: [on answer machine] Hey, little dude's father from across the street. Man, I just saw Oprah today. You were right, that's a bad woman. Anyway, I'll talk to you later.
Julius: Baby, Oprah is a talk show host.
Rochelle: You're supposed to be working two jobs and sleeping during the day. Exactly when do you have time and where do you go to meet this talk show host?
Julius: I don't know her. I- I watch her. She's in Chicago. She's on every day. Look. Every day. See?

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father was getting our answering machine stolen, I was getting my picture taken.
Ms. Morello: I'm so proud. Every single one of you completed his community service. Way to go, Chris. The ghetto owes you one.

Quote from Michael

Rochelle: Michael, what you doing here?
Michael: I come to see my baby. Pam.
Pam: Hmm?
Michael: These are for you.
Pam: Oh, so sweet. What are these for?
Michael: I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was trying to date me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Then why didn't you bring her a greasy bucket of gizzards?
Pam: That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.
Michael: I'm gonna see you later tonight for dinner?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Smoked pork chop?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Everything?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Mmm, sweet. Hey, Chelle, tell Big Man I said "Big Man!" Don't forget the rice, now, baby.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.
Mr. Perkins: Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You could say the same thing about crack.
Chris: Okay. I'm proud to do it.
Mr. Perkins: That said, I need to evaluate your suitability for this organization.
Chris: No problem.
Mr. Perkins: Are you sexually active?
Chris: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that I'm married, the answer's still the same.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Perkins: Do you own photographic equipment?
Chris: No.
Mr. Perkins: Where do you keep your photographic equipment?
Chris: I don't have any photographic equipment.
Mr. Perkins: Have you ever sold any of your photographs?
Chris: I don't have any photographs.
Mr. Perkins: Suppose you did. Where would you keep them?
Chris: I don't own a camera or any photographs.
Mr. Perkins: If your Brother from Another Mother came to your house, what room would you spend the most time in?
Chris: The living room, I guess.
Mr. Perkins: Correct. How's your relationship with your father?
Chris: Fine.
Mr. Perkins: Where does your father keep his photographic equipment?

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