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‘Everybody Hates James’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates James

409. Everybody Hates James

Aired November 28, 2008

Ms. Morello makes the football team, including Chris, do community service by becoming "big brothers". Meanwhile, the family get an answering machine, and Julius discovers an up-and-coming new talk show called Oprah.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Okay, shh! Last time. [tapes] Hello. No one is available to take this call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep. [stops tape] See? Is that good for everybody?
Chris: Yeah, that was good.
Drew: Yeah.
Tonya: You sound like a White woman.
Rochelle: Get out of here before I smack the naps out your hair.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now she sounds like a Black woman.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What's in the bag?
Julius: I'm throwing out your makeup.
Rochelle: You're doing what?!
Julius: Oprah said you don't have to paint your face for me. I love you just the way you are.
Rochelle: Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And neither does my father.
Rochelle: Julius, baby, do you know what's in this bag? Rochelle is in this bag! See, here's Rochelle's lips, here's her eyelashes, her complexion, her cheeks, her fingernails! Julius, I don't know what Oprah's saying, but she's giving out very dangerous information. Baby, there are certain things that men just don't need to know about women.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like everything.
Julius: I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know you're good enough for me. Even if your face is inside this bag.
Rochelle: Thank you. I appreciate that. Baby, you really want to do something for me?
Julius: Anything.
Rochelle: Stop watching Oprah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how Oprah's audience turned from all men to all women.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Just because your work on the field is done doesn't mean your job with the team is over. It's time to start thinking about what we do in the field of life. So I've signed the team up for community service.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what they used to call slavery.
Ms. Morello: I myself have always been a big supporter of big brothers.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's not talking about the organization.
[flashback to Ms. Morello sitting at a bar when a Black man walks up:]
Ms. Morello: My... you're a big brother. Let's dance.

Quote from Greg

Greg: So who's the kid?
Chris: Cleavon Barris.
Greg: Where's he live?
Chris: Bed-Stuy, which is weird 'cause I thought I knew all the kids in the neighborhood.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] See? All Black people don't know each other.
Greg: That is weird. I thought all Black people knew each other.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When he was done getting answers out of me, my family started getting answers out of a machine.
Tonya: I want to leave the message.
Drew: It has to be a man's voice.
Julius: Look, I bought it, I'll leave it.
Chris: Why can't I do it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because everybody hates you.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was growing up, talk shows were usually hosted by old White men.
Julius: Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue, Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But in 1986, one woman changed that forever.
Julius: [mispronouncing] Op-rah Winfrey. "How to have a stronger marriage." Hmm.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And with that, Oprah's primary fan base, married working class men, began to take shape.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey, hey Hey! What y'all doing here?
Rochelle: We live here. What are you doing here?
Julius: Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And where did he get a credit card?
Jerome: This? Nah. This was an accident. I thought this was my house.
Chris: You live across the street.
Jerome: Sorry, man. I'm dyslexic. Hey, um I didn't mean to interrupt. Just going to leave.
Julius: You do that.

Quote from Adult Chris

James: You wearing a wire?
Chris: No!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No one ever waits for the answer before ripping your shirt open.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that's how the message on our answering machine became...
Julius: [on machine] We're not home right now. Leave a message after the beep.
[Jerome enters the room and walks towards the answering machine]
Julius: Hey, Jerome.
Jerome: Hey! Man, I- I was just...
Julius: I know what you were doing. Just take the answering machine and get out.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He still came back later to try and steal the TV.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: So I'm bringing a rep from the Brother from Another Mother organization to our school!
Chris: Brother from Another Mother?
Ms. Morello: Yes, they help match enfranchised youth with disenfranchised youths, such as Blacks and Latinos, to help support and guide them. [A jock raises his hand] Uh-huh.
Jock: What if I'm already supporting some Latino kids?
Ms. Morello: Well, if you're already a baby daddy, then you're excused.
Jock: Yes!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do you get extra credit if you're a baby granddaddy?
Ms. Morello: But the rest of you, fill out these forms so I can set you up with appointments. You, too, Chris. If you want to remain team manager, you have to do this. Even if all you do is clean sweaty jockstraps, you're just as important as the quarterback.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wish somebody would let the cheerleaders know.
Ms. Morello: It's people like you, Chris, that make the ghetto a better place to live.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And it's people like you that get robbed if I don't.

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