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‘Everybody Hates Tattaglia’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Tattaglia

401. Everybody Hates Tattaglia

Aired October 3, 2008

Chris is happy to learn that he isn't the only Black kid at his new school, but that doesn't mean his days of being tormented are over. Meanwhile, Rochelle gets Tonya a job at Vanessa's hair salon.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: So I'm getting fired for being honest?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It happened to Don Imus. It could happen to you.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, but yes.
Tonya: You know what? I don't need this mess! My father has two jobs!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Deja vu. My mother would have snatched the naps out of Tonya's head, but at that moment, she was just too proud.

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Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother told Tonya she could say anything she wanted, Tonya took her at her word.
[montage:]
Tonya: Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?
Tonya: Your perm looks nice, but what's wrong with your toenails?
Tonya: Should you be using food stamps to pay for this?

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Vanessa hit the number and bought Pam out.
Rochelle: Yeah, now I'm the new manager.
Drew: What happened to your old job?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Something that hadn't happened in a long time.
[flashback to Rochelle at the Department of Records:]
Rochelle: I do not need this, okay?! My man has two jobs!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Two jobs equals one finger.

Quote from Adult Chris

Ms. Morello: So, what can I do for you?
Chris: I need to change homerooms.
Ms. Morello: Oh, what's the problem?
Chris: Mr. Thurman hates me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, I thought you'd like that room. That's why I had you placed there.
Chris: You put me in that class?
Ms. Morello: Yes, but if I had known you were a racist...
Chris: No, I'm not a racist.
Ms. Morello: Well, I don't hear any of the White kids complaining about being around you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's hard to talk when you're wearing a hood.
Ms. Morello: And I think that's mighty white of them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I regain my composure, let's hear a word from our sponsors.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Finally, I thought my troubles were over. I wouldn't be the only Black kid on the bus.
Bus Driver: [to a White woman] Yo, back of the bus, lady.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wouldn't be the only Black kid at lunch. And for a change, I wouldn't be the only Black kid in my classes.
[Chris walks into a class full of White kids]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe these are all Black kids wearing whiteface.
Thurman: Who the hell are you?
Chris: I'm Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Star of the new movie, Guess Who's Coming to Homeroom.

Quote from Chris

Chris: All the White people think I look like every Black person on Earth. I could go to jail for anything from a parking ticket to throwing little baby Jessica down the well.
Greg: Dude, that didn't even happen yet.
Chris: I'm just saying.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Hey, Mom, what happened to your hair?
Rochelle: That is not the way you give a woman a compliment, Drew.
Drew: I wasn't giving a compliment, I was just trying to find out what happened.
Julius: Whatever happened, it looks nice.
Tonya: What did happen?
Rochelle: Nothing happened!
Chris: Something happened. All the hair on the right side of your head is missing.
Drew: Maybe aliens came and cut it so they could put a probe in your ear.
Rochelle: I do not have a probe in my ear.
Drew: You sure?

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: What you reading, baby?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After Tonya's crush on Billy Ocean ended, she got a new one on one of the top movie stars of the time, Danny Glover.
Chris: Danny Glover? Didn't he play Benson?
Rochelle: No, no, that was Robert Guillaume. Danny Glover played the father on Good Times.
Drew: No, no, that's John Amos. Danny Glover was Chicken George.
Julius: No, that's Ben Vereen. Danny Glover's the voice of Darth Vader.
Tonya: No, that's James Earl Jones. Danny Glover played "Mister" in The Color Purple.
All: Oh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought that was Whoopi Goldberg.
Tonya: His next movie is with some White guy named Mel Gibson.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before I strangled her, I wanted to know why she did what she did.
Ms. Morello: Chris, when I saw your name on the register, I thought, if you hadn't gotten shot, ended up slinging rock, or become a baby daddy over the summer, that you'd want to get back to something you knew.
Chris: Yeah. I know Black kids, Asians, Latinos. So why can't I be in the homeroom with them?
Ms. Morello: Chris, the Black boys are all in gangs, the girls are all bougie, and don't even get me started on the Puerto Ricans. Boriqua? What is that? What have you got against White people anyway?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, you'll find out.
Chris: Nothing. I just don't want to start every day in a roomful of people who hate me.
Ms. Morello: Tell you what. If you can find a Black friend, or a group of people that you can fit in with that aren't all White, I'll put you in a new homeroom.
Chris: Serious?
Ms. Morello: As a heart attack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I'm lucky, maybe you'll have one before me.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The hardest part about being a Black nerd was that I didn't fit in with anybody. Not to mention, before the Internet, there were only two Black nerds: me and this guy. [a photo of Barack Obama appears on screen]

Quote from Julius

Julius: Drew, what are you doing?
Drew: Looking for a job. Since I'm 13, I figured I'd start working and make some real money.
Rochelle: Well, you just remember, for now, school is your first job.
Julius: There's nothing wrong with looking for your second job.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: Daddy, I wanted to ask you something.
Julius: Yes, baby?
Tonya: Can I get a job?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This may have been the happiest moment of my father's life.
[Julius dances down the steps, into the street and jumps up on the roof of a car]
Julius: My baby wants a job!
Man: Get off of my car, fool!

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Oh, my God! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.
Chris: Miss Morello, you're the principal? How'd you end up here?
Ms. Morello: You wouldn't believe it.
[flashback:]
Old Principal: I hate this school! I hate these kids! And every last one of you can kiss my white...
[present:]
Ms. Morello: As luck would have it, I ended up doing the same thing over at Corleone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only topless.
Ms. Morello: So I took the job here.

Quote from Greg

Chris: What you doing down here?
Greg: We had a half day today. I figured I'd try and catch up with you.
Chris: Is that coat the attire for the Bronx Academy?
Greg: Man, you wouldn't believe it. I found the one place on Earth where I'm not a nerd.
Chris: Where, in that coat?
Greg: The Bronx Academy. I'm the only one coming from a public school. I'm, like, the toughest kid there. Everyone's scared of me.
Chris: Scared of you or scared of that coat?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was the first time Greg scared anyone outside of a spelling bee.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: I don't want Tonya working. She's still a little girl.
Julius: This will be good for her. She'll be learning responsibility and plus, she'll be making a little money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What he really meant was...
[fantasy:]
Julius: She'll be making money. She'll be making money. She'll be making money and she'll be making money!

Quote from Chris

Chris: Is Dickerson the only Black player on the team?
Thurman: Oh, for God's sake! Now you want to get on the team, too? What do you want to be? A jockstrap? I guess you're just going to Black your way through life. Is that right? It didn't work for Jesse Jackson, and it's not going to work for you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Actually, it worked for both of us.
Thurman: Let me tell you something. If you're going to be around me, you need to understand something. I don't like people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You forgot to say "Black."
Thurman: Because people are idiots. They don't read, they don't think, and they're lazy. If they can find an easier way to do something, they'll take it every time. White people didn't have slaves because they're racist.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, they did.
Thurman: They did it because they're lazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Lazy racists!
Thurman: If they had gotten off their butts and picked their own damn cotton, they wouldn't have had to shoot Dr. King. He's dead because White people are lazy! And what do we do to honor him? We take a damn day off work. I'm sick of it! You want to get along with me, don't be lazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or Black.
Thurman: 4:00. Be there. Every day. And don't be late. You understand? And you're not getting on this team.
Chris: Thanks for the job, Coach!

Quote from Vanessa

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I talked my way into a job, Tonya talked her way out of one.
Vanessa: You gotta fire Tonya.
Rochelle: Vanessa, let me talk to her first.
Vanessa: Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losing more customers than a Muslim rib shack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ah salaam a lick 'em!
Vanessa: She broke up two marriages, she outed Jerome's uncle, and she told Gloria about her mole.
Rochelle: She told Gloria about her mole?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, Lord! Not the mole!
Vanessa: Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.
Rochelle: She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?
Vanessa: She didn't have to.
Rochelle: Oh! Oh, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Rochelle, either you fire her or I'm going to have to fire you.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Coming into Tattaglia, I thought I would stand out because I was the only Black kid. But all I was was just another teenager. If I wanted people to notice me, I was actually going to have to do something worth noticing. [Chris trips] Not quite what I had in mind.
Chris: Caruso? What are you doing here?
Joey Caruso: I'm knocking you on the floor, Bumpy. What's it look like? There's so many Blacks here now, I almost didn't recognize you.
Chris: Well, feel free to punch one of them.
Joey Caruso: That's okay. But thanks for the offer. Welcome to Tattaglia.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] High school changes everybody's life. After three years at Corleone, I went to Tattaglia High. Now, I didn't know what to expect when I got out, but I knew what to expect when I went in.
White Boy: Get him!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] White kids. And these weren't your everyday White kids. They were bigger. They were faster.
Chris: What the?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They were stronger. [a girl bumps into Chris] And they were sexier. They had sexier backs. They had sexier fronts. Thank you, Lord.

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