408. Everybody Hates Big Bird
Aired November 21, 2008
When Chris is asked out by an awkward girl at school, he has a good time but is uncomfortable being seen in public with her. Meanwhile, the girls at the salon and the guys at the barbershop have a bet about the football which causes a disagreement between Rochelle and Julius.
Quote from Julius
Chris: The only thing is, she's a little awkward-looking.
Julius: Awkward? Like she has one leg longer than the other?
Julius: Like she dislocated her shoulder and they put it back wrong?
Julius: Like her eyes are too far apart?
Julius: Like she's knock-kneed and pigeon-toed, and when she walks she makes a clicking sound?
Quote from Rochelle
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was running for my life, Vanessa was running her game down.
Vanessa: Listen up now, everybody. Now, we all in this together. So if we gonna win this thing, then we got to get our mojo working.
Rochelle: Mojo? Is that what we're depending on, mojo? Well, what about the stats, the line, the over, the under? What about the odds? The spread, the angle, the handicap? What about the hook, the hot game? You know, the rundown, the system? What about a tout, the trends? What about a wiseguy? Everybody needs a wiseguy.
Quote from Greg
Greg: Dude, did I see you talking to Big Bird yesterday?
Chris: Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.
Greg: She's, like, the goofiest girl this side of Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Quote from Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Vanessa bet on the Jets, I had a date with a giant.
Kelly: Hey, Chris. Is that what you had on earlier?
Chris: No, I had an accident and I needed to change.
Kelly: An accident? What happened?
Chris: Oh, I didn't make it to the bathroom in time, so I to get something from lost-and-found.
Kelly: Wow, that's crazy. It looks good on you, though. It makes you look edgy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my bad clothes didn't seem to work, there was more bad stuff to come: bad food.
Kelly: I never heard of this place.
Chris: Yeah, everything they serve is from stuff that other people didn't finish eating.
Quote from Vanessa
Vanessa: Rochelle, I'll have you know I have a very precise system that's worked for nine months.
Rochelle: Really? What is it?
Vanessa: Every time the Jets win, I use my green toothbrush.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Four out of five dentists think she's crazy.
Gloria: And I pluck three mole hairs before every game.
Shay: And I been eating two chicken-fried bananas before every game.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just two?
Quote from Rochelle
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before ESPN, people had their own roundtable discussions by sitting around a table and discussing.
Rochelle: So the girls at the beauty shop made a bet against the guys at the barbershop. It's silly, but the guys are rooting for the Giants and the girls are rooting for the Jets.
Julius: [chuckles] That is silly. There's no way the Jets are gonna continue winning.
Rochelle: Oh, really? What makes you an expert?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because he's a man.
Julius: I watch football every week. That's why I'm an expert.
Rochelle: So you saying I'm stupid?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was not the first time my parents had this conversation.
[flashback to Julius and Rochelle looking at a couch in a furniture store window:]
Julius: It's too expensive.
Rochelle: So you saying I'm not a good mother?
[flashback to Julius and Rochelle leaving a movie theater:]
Julius: I just don't see what's funny about a Volkswagen Beetle.
Rochelle: So you saying you never should have married me?
Quote from Jerome
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since we had gotten off to a bad start, I was praying for a bad finish.
Kelly: That was so funny when you ran away. You're fast.
Chris: You thought that was funny?
Kelly: You didn't see what it looked like. Besides, that guy didn't scare me.
Chris: He didn't?
Kelly: No, I could see his thumb sticking out of his gun pocket.
Chris: Didn't he take all your money?
Kelly: No, he didn't. I keep my money in my bra. All he got was some eye drops and some rash cream.
Jerome: Eye drops and rash cream? Damn! Little dude owes me a dollar.
Quote from Joey Caruso
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Keeping my relationship with Big Bird a secret was easy for the most part. Turns out, the person I had the most trouble hiding it from was her. I hid it during school. I hid it before school. I even kept it hidden after school. [Caruso punches Chris as he hides from Kelly]
Joey Caruso: What are you looking for, Tender Love?
Quote from Kill Moves
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying to figure out how to deal with Big Bird, Vanessa was getting prepared to deal with Kill Moves.
Chauffeur: Good evening, ladies.
Vanessa: Kill Moves? Where'd you get the car?
Kill Moves: I don't know.
Chauffeur: It belongs to his mother, Mrs. Devereaux.
Kill Moves: Wow. You learn something new every day. Where's Vanessa?
Vanessa: Uh, this is me.
Kill Moves: Where's that woman you was just with?
Rochelle: Just explain when you get in the car. Go, go, go. Have a good time. I think.
Quote from Vanessa
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I realized my mistake, and Vanessa realized that going out with Kill Moves wasn't a mistake at all.
Rochelle: You were out all night?
Vanessa: Oh, girl, that's just the start of it. We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waiting for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at www.vanessasbigdatewithkillmoves.tv