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‘Everybody Hates Big Bird’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Big Bird

408. Everybody Hates Big Bird

Aired November 21, 2008

When Chris is asked out by an awkward girl at school, he has a good time but is uncomfortable being seen in public with her. Meanwhile, the girls at the salon and the guys at the barbershop have a bet about the football which causes a disagreement between Rochelle and Julius.

Quote from Julius

Chris: The only thing is, she's a little awkward-looking.
Julius: Awkward? Like she has one leg longer than the other?
Chris: No.
Julius: Like she dislocated her shoulder and they put it back wrong?
Chris: No.
Julius: Like her eyes are too far apart?
Chris: No.
Julius: Like she's knock-kneed and pigeon-toed, and when she walks she makes a clicking sound?
Chris: No.

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was running for my life, Vanessa was running her game down.
Vanessa: Listen up now, everybody. Now, we all in this together. So if we gonna win this thing, then we got to get our mojo working.
Rochelle: Mojo? Is that what we're depending on, mojo? Well, what about the stats, the line, the over, the under? What about the odds? The spread, the angle, the handicap? What about the hook, the hot game? You know, the rundown, the system? What about a tout, the trends? What about a wiseguy? Everybody needs a wiseguy.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Dude, did I see you talking to Big Bird yesterday?
Chris: Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.
Greg: She's, like, the goofiest girl this side of Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Vanessa bet on the Jets, I had a date with a giant.
Kelly: Hey, Chris. Is that what you had on earlier?
Chris: No, I had an accident and I needed to change.
Kelly: An accident? What happened?
Chris: Oh, I didn't make it to the bathroom in time, so I to get something from lost-and-found.
Kelly: Wow, that's crazy. It looks good on you, though. It makes you look edgy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my bad clothes didn't seem to work, there was more bad stuff to come: bad food.
Kelly: I never heard of this place.
Chris: Yeah, everything they serve is from stuff that other people didn't finish eating.
Kelly: Oh.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Rochelle, I'll have you know I have a very precise system that's worked for nine months.
Rochelle: Really? What is it?
Vanessa: Every time the Jets win, I use my green toothbrush.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Four out of five dentists think she's crazy.
Gloria: And I pluck three mole hairs before every game.
Shay: And I been eating two chicken-fried bananas before every game.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just two?

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before ESPN, people had their own roundtable discussions by sitting around a table and discussing.
Rochelle: So the girls at the beauty shop made a bet against the guys at the barbershop. It's silly, but the guys are rooting for the Giants and the girls are rooting for the Jets.
Julius: [chuckles] That is silly. There's no way the Jets are gonna continue winning.
Rochelle: Oh, really? What makes you an expert?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because he's a man.
Julius: I watch football every week. That's why I'm an expert.
Rochelle: So you saying I'm stupid?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was not the first time my parents had this conversation.
[flashback to Julius and Rochelle looking at a couch in a furniture store window:]
Julius: It's too expensive.
Rochelle: So you saying I'm not a good mother?
[flashback to Julius and Rochelle leaving a movie theater:]
Julius: I just don't see what's funny about a Volkswagen Beetle.
Rochelle: So you saying you never should have married me?

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since we had gotten off to a bad start, I was praying for a bad finish.
Kelly: That was so funny when you ran away. You're fast.
Chris: You thought that was funny?
Kelly: You didn't see what it looked like. Besides, that guy didn't scare me.
Chris: He didn't?
Kelly: No, I could see his thumb sticking out of his gun pocket.
Chris: Didn't he take all your money?
Kelly: No, he didn't. I keep my money in my bra. All he got was some eye drops and some rash cream.
[elsewhere:]
Jerome: Eye drops and rash cream? Damn! Little dude owes me a dollar.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Keeping my relationship with Big Bird a secret was easy for the most part. Turns out, the person I had the most trouble hiding it from was her. I hid it during school. I hid it before school. I even kept it hidden after school. [Caruso punches Chris as he hides from Kelly]
Joey Caruso: What are you looking for, Tender Love?

Quote from Kill Moves

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying to figure out how to deal with Big Bird, Vanessa was getting prepared to deal with Kill Moves.
Chauffeur: Good evening, ladies.
Vanessa: Kill Moves? Where'd you get the car?
Kill Moves: I don't know.
Chauffeur: It belongs to his mother, Mrs. Devereaux.
Kill Moves: Wow. You learn something new every day. Where's Vanessa?
Vanessa: Uh, this is me.
Kill Moves: Where's that woman you was just with?
Vanessa: Um...
Rochelle: Just explain when you get in the car. Go, go, go. Have a good time. I think.

Quote from Vanessa

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I realized my mistake, and Vanessa realized that going out with Kill Moves wasn't a mistake at all.
Rochelle: You were out all night?
Vanessa: Oh, girl, that's just the start of it. We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waiting for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at www.vanessasbigdatewithkillmoves.tv

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Well, all I know is the Giants are gonna lose before the Jets.
Monk: I'll tell you what. If the Giants lose before the Jets, the barbershop will pay for you ladies to have a night out on the town.
Vanessa: Oh-oh, well, start saving.
Monk: But what if we win?
Vanessa: That- That is not going to happen.
Rochelle: Since it's not gonna happen, say anything. Buy everybody a new car. Cook dinner for all the men for a month. Better yet, go out with Kill Moves.
Vanessa: All right, little Miss Naysayer, I'll do that. If we lose, I'll go out with Kill Moves.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Man, she is a fly.
Chris: Not a fly, is fly. She's fly.
Greg: I just wish I knew what to do to get a girl like her.
Chris: Easy. Be a guy like him.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In high school, you learned that the type of girl you are determines the type of guy you go out with. Nerdy girls hang out with nerdy guys, smart girls hang out with smart guys and dumb girls hang out with jocks. And then there are the girls that didn't hang out with anybody and the guys that made fun of them. We were those guys, and she was that girl.
Greg: Man, look at that. She looks like her family gave the baby back and kept the stork.
Chris: Her name is Kelly, but everybody calls her "Big Bird."
Joey Caruso: Hey, Big Bird.
Boy #1: Yo, Big Bird.
Boy #2: What's up, Big Bird? [they laugh]
Greg: I wonder what'd have to go wrong for you to end up with a girl like that?
Chris: It's like being on The Planet of The Apes, and all the apes said, "No."

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't have anything against Big Bird, and unfortunately for me, she didn't have anything against me either.
Kelly: You're Chris, right?
Chris: Yeah.
Kelly: I've seen you around, and I really think you're kinda cute. Do you want to hang out sometime?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No!
Chris: Sure.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where's an ape when you need one?

Quote from Chris

Chris: I told her yeah.
Greg: Why?
Chris: 'Cause she asked. Girls don't ask me out all the time.
Greg: Yeah, that's the beauty of the situation. You had a chance to boost your low self-esteem by turning someone else down for a change.
Chris: Yeah, but when the girl asks, you don't just say no. Plus, my dad said never to hurt a girl's feelings. Besides, they don't take rejection well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] How are they gonna learn if they don't get any practice?
Greg: Attractive girls don't take rejection well. Girls like Big Bird, they're used to it.
Chris: You know what? Fine. It's done. I'm gonna go out with her once. Trust me. I'm gonna make sure we don't have fun, so she doesn't want to go out again.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I usually did that without trying.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was betting I could get rid of Big Bird, Vanessa was betting big on the Jets.
Monk: Here you go. Sorry it took so long.
Vanessa: Five weeks, you should be sorry. You should have saved your money. I told you the Jets were gonna win.
Rochelle: Vanessa, you gonna get enough of this gambling, I keep trying to tell you.
Vanessa: No, this is a sure thing. The New York Jets have been on a winning streak like you've never seen.
Monk: They just got lucky. I'll bet you they don't win next week.
Rochelle: The Giants play the Jets?
Monk: No, they're just both on winning streaks.
Rochelle: Wait a minute. This is the dumbest thing I ever heard. Your team is winning and your team is winning, but you both figured out a way to lose money on it.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After the bad food, there was a bad movie.
Kelly: What's this called?
Chris: Leonard Part V. Nipsy Russell's best movie. They're doing a sequel with Bill Cosby.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After the bad movie, we took a bad walk.
Jerome: Hey, little dude on a date, let me hold all your money! [Chris runs away]
Kelly: Chris, come back!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No!
Kelly: [sighs]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only date worse than me was Phil Spector.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, I don't know what you want me to do.
Vanessa: What do you normally do during the game?
Rochelle: Well, other than serving beer and chips, I'm usually ironing.
Vanessa: Did you do that week two when the Jets lost?
Rochelle: Now, how am I supposed to know what week is what in your mojo world?
Vanessa: Well, think, Rochelle, this is important. Remember, I lost all that money and you gave me that lecture on "gambling is evil."
Rochelle: That's when Julius burnt my shirt.
[flashback to Julius ironing while watching TV as Rochelle talks on the phone:]
Julius: Giants win 20 to 7, Jet's lose 20 to 6.
Rochelle: Julius, my shirt! [on the phone] What do you mean, you lost $30?
[present:]
Rochelle: And every week after that, I've been ironing.
Vanessa: And every week the Jets have been winning, so I don't care what you do on Monday. You make sure you iron those clothes.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: That's what I said. The Giants are gonna win the Superbowl, and Phil Simms is gonna lead them to the promised land. Right, Daddy?
Julius: That's right, sweetie. [they high five]
Drew: You're crazy. Wesley Walker and Al Toon are having record years. The Jets are going to the Superbowl. Ain't that right, Mom?
Rochelle: No doubt about it. [they high five]
Julius: Tonya's right. The Giants are unbeatable.
Rochelle: All right, Julius, I'll tell you what. I hate betting, but since you want to run your mouth, and call me names, if the Giants lose before the Jets do, you and little Miss That's What I Said have to clean up after everybody else for a month.
Julius: And if the Jets lose before the Giants, you and Drew have to do it.
Rochelle: You have a bet.
Julius: All right. [chuckles] You're gonna lose.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everyone called Kelly "Big Bird," but call me cuckoo: I was actually starting to like her. [Kelly kisses Chris on the cheek] That kiss from Big Bird made me feel like Superfly.

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