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‘Everybody Hates Mr. Levine’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Mr. Levine

411. Everybody Hates Mr. Levine

Aired January 9, 2009

During a blackout Chris meets Stan Levine (Steve Landesberg), the last remaining White guy in the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Rochelle learns she is actually a year younger than she thought.

Quote from Greg

Chris: She said hi. So what?
Greg: No, she said, "Hi, Chris and Greg." You were nowhere near me. I've got no identity. I'm sick of it. I'm not Greg, I'm Chris-and-Greg. I'm just a sidekick.
Chris: You're not a sidekick.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what Batman told Robin.
Greg: Yeah, you're right. Sidekicks have their own identities. Tonto, Hutch, Watson, Robin, Kato, Tattoo, Chong, Poncho, 99, Tubbs. I don't want to be Chris-and- Greg for the rest of my life.
[fantasy - a newscast:]
News Anchor: Governor Chris-and-Greg was arrested today on prostitution and racketeering charges. Governor Chris-and-Greg was elected two years ago on a law and order platform, and now Governor Chris-and-Greg faces up to three years in prison.
[reality:]
Greg: Why is it Chris and Greg anyways? Why isn't it Greg and Chris?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because it's not your show.

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] There's always one White person left in a Black neighborhood after all the other ones leave. Maybe he was going to tell the others when it was safe to come back.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: Where were you, Daddy?
Julius: I was asleep.
Rochelle: You slept through the worst blackout in ten years?
Julius: What's the difference? I wouldn't have seen it if I was awake and I couldn't see it in my sleep. [chuckles]
Rochelle: Oh, well, since you got so much sleep, you go get dinner. Sit down, kids.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Hey, Chris. I can't believe this. There's rioting, looting. People are getting killed.
Chris: I know, it's tragic.
Mr. Omar: Tragic? It's great.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I dealt with the crazy old man, Peaches dealt with a crazy young woman.
Rochelle: [sings] I got the best, the most Baby, from coast to coast And I don't wanna boast 'Cause I love you, square biz I'm talkin' square biz To you, baby Square, square biz [talks] So what you think?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think a leopard cub is missing his mommy.
Peaches: It's a'ight.
Rochelle: "A'ight"? I thought you knew what was going on. This is what's happening now.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you're a leopard.
Peaches: Who told you that?
Rochelle: This girl I met at the mall named Kiki. I mean, we're about the same age, we like the same things, we have the same interests.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's 40 and likes to yell at people too?
Peaches: Mm-hm. How old is she?
Rochelle: Twenty-nine.
Peaches: Twenty-nine?! You have bras older than that. Gerald Ford was still president when you were 29. When you were 29, Captain and Tennile was still at the top of the charts. When you was 29, Generalissimo Francisco Franco still had a country...
Rochelle: Okay, okay, okay.

Quote from Chris

[fantasy: Mr. Levine walks Chris through the neighborhood back when it was majority White:]
Mr. Levine: It was great. The men were polite.
Man: Allow me, madam.
Woman: Oh, thank you, sir.
Mr. Levine: When's the last time you seen a guy do that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When's the last time you saw somebody do that?
Chris: You got milk delivered to your houses?
Mr. Levine: Cereal too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Somebody would come by and drink the milk out of the bowl when you were done.
Chris: It couldn't have been all great.
Mr. Levine: We had crime, but the criminals were nice.
Criminal: [holding a switchblade] Excuse me, sir, but may I bother you for your wallet?
Old Man: Why, of course.
Chris: Wow. So when did it all change?
Mr. Levine: When Willie Harris moved in.
[After a Black man enters an apartment building, a bunch of White people run out screaming]
[reality:]
Mr. Levine: After that, I didn't go out much. Just wasn't the same.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They replaced the crackers with crack.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, everybody was talking except me.
Drew: All the lights went out and then these guys came in Doc's and Doc said they could loot, but they were gonna do it with a bullet in their behind. And then they left. It was so cool.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Out on the street, we took a slow stroll while I brought Mr. Levine up to speed.
Mr. Levine: Used to be an ice cream stand there.
Chris: Oh, that's where they sell crack now.
Dealer: This is the good stuff; gonna cost you more.
Customer:All right. Got it all here?
Mr. Levine: That's where Jerry and Becky Rosenthal got married.
Chris: Yeah, that's where Petey Pete got Tisha-T pregnant.
Mr. Levine: That's where Jacob Cohen got shot 30 years ago.
Chris: Oh, that's where that guy is about to get shot right now.
Woman: Eat lead! [gunshot fires]
Chris: Okay.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing scarier than a man almost dying is being the one that almost killed him.
Chris: I thought walking and meeting people would be good for him. I didn't know he had a weak heart.
Doc: He's old, Chris. Everything on him is weak. What were you thinking? You got him out running around like he's Carl Lewis or something. He forgot four prescriptions. He got pills to take for everything. From his heart beating to blinking his eyes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's even got a pill to help him remember to take his pills.
Chris: You think he'll be okay?
Doc: At this age, you can get over anything with a good nap.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: He said I looked like her mother.
Julius: You're not old.
Rochelle: Yes, I am. I got kicked out of the club.
Julius: Technically, they just didn't let you in.
Rochelle: Oh, yeah, that's right. I was too old to make it through the door.
Julius: Baby, forget those young girls. They wish they had what you have, and as long as I'm your doorman, you got a lifelong VIP pass to a one-woman club.
Rochelle: That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Three weeks later, my mother found the greeting card he stole it off of and refused to talk to him for the next month.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Whoa. It happens to you too.
Chris: What does?
Greg: They call you Chris-and-Greg even if I'm not here.
Chris: Yeah, that's who we are. We're Chris and Greg.
Greg: Oh, this is great. I thought I was the only one who didn't have a personality of his own, but you don't either.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yay! We both suck!
Greg: Sorry, Gerard, looks like I won't be needing you anymore.
Chris: Gerard?

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In every city, people have disasters they need to survive. In Miami, they have hurricanes, in San Francisco, they have earthquakes, and in New York, we had blackouts. You never knew when one was going to happen and you didn't want to be on the street when it did.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Help, let me in, there's a blackout.
Woman: [o.s.] Go away, get out of here!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Next to "We're the Jehovah's Witnesses, can we have a minute of your time," "Let me in, there's a blackout" is the only guarantee somebody will not open a door.
Chris: Help!
[After Chris finds an unlocked door, he enters an apartment.]
Mr. Levine: [gun cocks] Don't you move a muscle.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I survived the blackout outside, now I needed to survive the next worst thing: a White man inside.

Quote from Chris

Mr. Levine: All right, put your hands down.
Chris: I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to break into your house. The door was open, I was just trying to get off the street.
Mr. Levine: Don't you know better than to be outside in a blackout? You don't remember what happened here in 1977?
Chris: You've been around here that long?
Mr. Levine: Lived here all my life. Sixty years.
Chris: Wow, you're probably like the last White guy in the neighborhood.
Mr. Levine: Probably am.
Chris: Did a lot of White people used to live around here?
Mr. Levine: "A lot" of White people? It was all White people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was a whiteout.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Well, better get home.
Mr. Levine: All right, well, first turn your pockets inside out.
Chris: You think I stole something?
Mr. Levine: No, I'm just a freaky old man likes to see the inside of pockets. Yeah, I think you stole something.
Chris: You've been watching me the whole time. With a gun.
Mr. Levine: Look, I don't know how Houdini did it and I don't know how you do it.
Chris: [sighs] You know, everybody around here isn't a criminal. If you talked to more people, you'd know that.
Mr. Levine: All I need to know is that you didn't take any of my stuff. Now, beat it, and don't tell nobody you were down here.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: We were coming from Nessa's and this crazy guy just snatched Mom's purse.
Julius: That's $56.43 worth of purse snatching.
Rochelle: Yes, honey, I'm fine. Anyway, now I got to go down to the DMV to get my license replaced.

Quote from Chris

Drew: Where were you, Chris?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.
Chris: I was, um, hiding under a car. [takes plates] I got this. [exits]

Quote from Greg

Maria: Hey, Chris and Greg.
Chris: Hey, Maria.
Greg: Did you see that?
Chris: See what?
Greg: Watch this.
[Greg goes and stands by the lockers on the other side of the corridor]
Mrs. Williams: [looking at Greg] Hi, Chris and Greg.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While being a sidekick was getting old, my mother was feeling young.
Rochelle: [sings] 'Cause I love you Square biz
Julius: What's going on with you?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "Have you been drinking?"
Rochelle: Well, before I got my new driver's license, I had to get a copy of my birth certificate. Come to find out I am one year younger than what I thought I was, so I'm happy.
Tonya: So how come you're just finding out how old you are?
Rochelle: Well, that's what I had to ask my mother.
Drew: Are you sure she's your mother? Because, technically, you were born a year after she had you.
Rochelle: ... Yeah, she's my mother. Oh, see, she had to get me into kindergarten early, so she lied about my age and forgot to tell me.
Julius: Congratulations. I'm so happy for you.
Rochelle: Thank you, baby. I'm so young. [sings] I'm talkin' square biz To you, baby Come on, come on, sing it with me, baby. Square biz!

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since Mr. Levine did me a favor when the lights went out, I thought I'd do him a favor after they were back on.
Mr. Levine: What do you want?
Chris: Well, I know you don't get out much, so I thought maybe we could take a walk. I could introduce you to some of the people.
Mr. Levine: What are you, a Good Samaritan?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In Brooklyn, being nice only aroused suspicion.
Chris: Come on, you can see how some of the things have changed.
Mr. Levine: I don't just go out whenever, I have my routine. I get my groceries in the morning, I gotta get my walk in before the hooligans come out, I'm back before the judge show comes on. My nap, lunch.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] President Bush had that same routine.

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