Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Everybody Hates New Year's Eve’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates New Year's Eve

410. Everybody Hates New Year's Eve

Aired December 12, 2008

Chris wants to go to Times Square on New Year's Eve. Meanwhile, Julius becomes a local hero after talking a suicidal man down off a bridge.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back on the bridge, a man was suicidal and my father wanted to kill him.
Julius: What are you doing up here, man? Do you know you got traffic backed up all the way to exit the Lincoln Tunnel? It's New Year's Eve! People are trying to get home.
Morris: I can't do anything right.
Julius: So you think you can fix that by jumping off a bridge?
Morris: Give me one good reason I shouldn't.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He shouldn't have said that.
Julius: What if everybody who ever had a problem jumped off a bridge? Geraldine Ferraro could've been our country's first female Vice President, but her party lost. She didn't jump off a bridge. Nelson Mandela's been in jail for over 20 years. He didn't jump off a bridge. Ivan Lendl got stomped by Boris Becker at Wimbledon. Didn't jump off a bridge. Trevor Berbick, he got knocked out by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes. He didn't jump off a bridge! Jermaine Jackson got kicked out of the Jacksons.

Rate

Quote from Julius

Julius: Jermaine Jackson got kicked out of the Jacksons. He didn't jump off a bridge.
Reporter: Julius, you're a real hero. You saved a life, but more importantly, you got traffic moving again. Back to you at the studio.
Julius: The Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908. They didn't jump off a bridge. James Earl Jones lost the Oscar for his performance in The Great White Hope. He didn't jump off a bridge.
Reporter: No.
Julius: Trevor Berbick got knocked out by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes. He did not jump off a bridge.
[watching TV :]
Rochelle: Oh, my God, your father's a star.
Chris: Wow!
[back:]
Julius: Did he jump off a bridge? No.
Reporter: Well, Julius, you're just full of--
Julius: Remember that movie, Top Gun?

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: I'm sorry, Chris, I can't take you. For an undertaker, New Year's Eve is like the day before the after Christmas sale. People act like drunken fools tonight, and dead tomorrow. Tragic, tragic!

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not my father.
Julius: I'm going to stop worrying about money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stop lying!
Julius: Chris, close that door! You just let out 86 cent worth of refrigeration.

Quote from Greg

Chris: [answers phone] Hello?
Greg: Dude, it's Greg.
Chris: What'd she say?
Greg: I got some bad news. They're going to celebrate New Year's Eve, but it's not in Times Square, it's in Tiananmen Square. And it's not tonight, it's the Chinese New Year. So it's not till February. But she said you can still come if you want.
Chris: To China? No, I don't think I'll be able to make it.
Greg: Sorry, dude.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad I didn't make a New Year's resolution to be depressed.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.
Rochelle: This year, I'm going to stop yelling at my children.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, you're not!
Rochelle: Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not my sister.
Tonya: This year I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, you will.
Rochelle: [o.s.] Who's been in my make-up bag?!
Tonya: Chris did it!

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, if I wanted to keep my resolution, it was going to take some resolve.
Chris: Mom.
Rochelle: No, Chris.
Chris: But I made one resolution and that was to go to Times Square.
Rochelle: That's not my fault.
Chris: But it's my resolution. Is that what you want for me, to end up in prison?
Rochelle: What?
Chris: I'm just saying, I made a resolution and if I accept no for an answer, that means I accept defeat. Then I'll fall into a crowd of people who have no hopes or dreams, and eventually, I end up in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing and that ends in prison.
Rochelle: Well, can you find somebody else to take you?
Chris: I can try.
Rochelle: Get out of here, boy.

Quote from Risky

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since Greg didn't come through in the clutch, I decided to see who could come through on the block. I tried Risky.
Chris: My mom said if I can find a responsible adult to take me I can go down to Times Square.
Risky: Aw, sorry, man, I can't. I've got to deliver some time-sensitive products.
Chris: What type of products?
Risky: [chuckles] 1986 calendars.

Quote from Julius

Julius: [on TV] The Chicago Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908. They didn't jump off a bridge.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not my brother.
Drew: This year, I'm not going to take any more girls from Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We'll see about that.
Girl: That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?
Chris: I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Quote from Doc

Doc: Well... [blows party horn] I sell New Year's, I don't celebrate it.
Chris: Why not?
Doc: Because anything could happen. You remember when Michael Jackson got his hair caught on fire? I bet you any money he celebrated New Year's. And look what happened. If I get through tonight, I'll celebrate tomorrow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc was the only person I knew who celebrated Old New Year's Eve.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: I just want to see the ball drop. You can't go with me?
Rochelle: [sighs] I don't have the time, Chris. I got to soak my black eyed peas, I got to pull my greens, I got to clean them...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's a bale of cotton away from setting us back 300 years.
Chris: Why do you have to do all that stuff every year anyway?
Rochelle: It's a tradition, Chris. It's for good luck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There's a reason Black people think vegetables are lucky.
[fantasy: a White man guides a group of escaped slaves:]
Man: They're coming, quick, hide behind these greens. [another White man walks by with two dogs]
[reality:]
Chris: Should've ate some greens before I came and asked you.
Rochelle: Ooh, you better watch your mouth unless you want to get smacked into the new year.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya was planning on staying up, Drew was planning on taking her down.
Tonya: [sings] I've got a crush on you
Drew: I don't know why you're singing. You know you're going to fall asleep before the Jets come on. You never make it past 10:00.
Tonya: I bet you I do tonight.
Drew: I bet you don't.
Tonya: How much?
Drew: If you fall asleep, you owe me 20 bucks.
Tonya: And if you fall asleep, I'm going to glue your hand to your face.
Drew: I don't see how since you won't have money for glue.

Quote from Greg

Greg: [on the phone with Chris] I can't believe your dad saved a guy. That's so cool. You know, if that guy had been a girl, he'd be so in there.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Another one of Greg's pickup techniques. If you stop a girl from killing herself, she might go out with you.

Quote from Kill Moves

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even tried Kill Moves. I had to start using the word "responsible" loosely.
Chris: Kill Moves, wake up.
Kill Moves: I'm awake, I just got my eyes closed. I'm testing their opacity. What do you need?
Chris: I was wondering if you wanted to go with me tonight to see the ball drop in Times Square.
Kill Moves: I would love to! But I can't see through my eyelids, so I don't see what the point would be. [Chris leaves] Hey, hey, Chris? Chris?

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother got ready for New Years, Peaches got ready to rumble.
Peaches: How come you won't let Chris go to Times Square with me?
Rochelle: Well, hello, Peaches.
Peaches: You know what, Rochelle? If we are gonna be friends, at some point you are gonna have to learn how to trust me.
Rochelle: Mmm. Now, I'll trust you with some clothes, but trusting you with my children, that's another thing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not to Britney Spears.
Peaches: Oh! Huh. And why is that?
Rochelle: You know why.
Peaches: No, no, no, no. Say it. Say it. No, no, no. Say it. I want to hear you say it.
Rochelle: Um... you're an ex-convict.
Peaches: Oh, my God, she said it. She said it. Rochelle, what you think I'ma do?
[fantasy: Peaches emerges from a bank holding a bag of cash and a gun:]
Peaches: I got it! Drive the car, Chris. Drive the car! Drive the car! Drive the car!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Peaches, I don't have to give you a reason.
Peaches: Rochelle, you know what? My parole officer said I am proof that the system works. I am a new me. I have learned from my mistakes. I have paid my debt to society.
Rochelle: And you want to open a new line of credit with my child.
Peaches: Well, if not yours, then whose? Mine? She got to go with me. Now, how am I supposed to feel improved and empowered by that?
Rochelle: Peaches, this is not about you.
Peaches: Yes, it is. You not not letting him go with somebody else.
Rochelle: Peaches, it's dangerous down there.
Peaches: Rochelle, don't you think I know that? That's why I got Malvo coming.
Rochelle: Oh, that's nice. Another ex-convict!
Peaches: Ex! Ex, Rochelle. That means "former." "Used to be. " "Not currently." And you know what? This is what's really, 'cause it makes me... and I'm gonna be upset about this now. If you won't let me move on, then it's only a matter of time before I become an accomplice all over again. Now, do you want that on your head?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Chris. So, how did it go?
Chris: Great. It was the best night of my life.
Rochelle: Did you have any problems?
Chris: No.
Rochelle: Did anybody get arrested?
Chris: No.
Rochelle: Detained?
Chris: No.
Rochelle: Searched?
Chris: No.
Rochelle: Questioned?
Chris: No. It was perfect.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Last year, this is how I celebrated New Year's Eve. [Chris blows a party horn in bed as the clock turns midnight] So I made a resolution that my next New Year's Eve would be different.
Doc: So, you doing anything special for New Year's Eve, Chris?
Chris: I'm going down to Times Square to watch the ball drop.
Doc: Times Square? You crazy? The only people down there are drunks and pickpockets.
Chris: I don't care, it's the biggest New Year's celebration on Earth and I live 20 minutes from it and I haven't been.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode