Adult Chris: [v.o.] 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager.
[fantasy: Chris emerges from a limousine, a group of women chant his name as he makes his way into the club:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was gonna have women, money, stay out late. I thought it was gonna be the bomb.
Bouncer: 'sup?
Man: Chris!
Women: [chant] Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Boy, was I wrong!
[reality:]
Rochelle: Chris! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! Disgusting!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I was the only Black kid at my school, I thought people stared at me all the time because they were fascinated with me.
[flashback:]
Boy #1: Check it out. His skin.
Girl: Was your hair always like this?
Boy #2: Do you know Gary Coleman?
[present:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But I found out they were just scared of me. [a teacher ducks into her classroom and locks the door] She didn't come out of that classroom for a whole week.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] There were hundreds of kids on my block, but only four fathers. There was Mr. Jenkins. He had all girls, so he was always screaming.
Mr. Jenkins: Hey! Hey! You boys get away from my daughter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Parrish's wife cheated on him, so he was always checking to see if his kids looked like him. He was the first man in Bed-Stuy to get a DNA test. Mr. Hutchins had two grown sons who wouldn't move out. They're holding out like, "Last one dies get's the apartment." And there's my dad, Julius. Because unemployment was so high, the dads all knew each other, 'cause they were the only men going to work in the morning. Between these four dads, they had 16 jobs and worked 492 hours a week!

Julius: You know, I been thinking. Since I found this money, we got over $100 left after we pay the light bill and get your hair done. Maybe we could splurge for once.
Rochelle: Splurge?
Julius: Yeah, I mean $100. I could take the day off. I could sleep till 9:00. Hey, we could even go to a movie for once.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was 1982. These days, $100 won't even buy you $20.

Greg: I still think having a little brother and sister would be pretty cool. I mean, instead I get toys. I got an Atari.
Chris: Wait, you got an Atari?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Atari was the PlayStation of 1982. We got one in 1994. We didn't get a game till 1997.
Greg: Yep! Just got it!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We didn't have any electronic game, but we had singing into a fan.
[flashback to Chris, Drew and Tonya singing Zapp and Roger's "More Bounce to the Ounce" into a fan]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sometime, my mother would trick us in the work, by pretending we were playing the game.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Who wants to play "Clean up this damn house"?
Kids: Me! Me! Me!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I won the take the garbage out competition four years in a row.

Chris: Wait, your dad is giving you $5 just for coming to school?
Greg: I bet him I wouldn't miss a day of school this year. So far so good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother told me I'd better not miss a day of school or else she'd take $5 off my ass.
Greg: This is so cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only award I could've gotten at Corleone would've been...
[fantasy, Ms. Morello is wearing a dress as she stands at a podium in her class:]
Ms. Morello: For "Taking the Best Ass Whooping"... Chris.
[Chris cheers as he stands up with a neck brace, an arm in a sling, and a crutch. As Chris hobbles up to the front of the class, even Caruso high-fives him. When Chris takes his trophy in his good arm, his crutch slips and he falls to the ground.]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wouldn't usually admit he was wrong about things, at least not in front of the kids
Julius: I have something to say.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought he was about to tell us he was leaving us for a White family across town.

Rochelle: Did you know that your son got an "A" in math?
Julius: My man! That must be why your teacher called this afternoon. Yeah, she wants you to come down to school on Wednesday and talk about Chris's grade.
Male Announcer: [v.o.] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more, when Everybody Hates Chris returns.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My grandfather passing away was the first time I had to deal with a death in the family. I didn't know how to react, and I guess my mother didn't, either, because instead of doing this...
[fantasy: Rochelle is cursing the heavens as she holds up the pork chop he father was eating:]
Rochelle: Damn. Damn. Damn!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She did this...
[reality: Rochelle serves the kids breakfast]
Rochelle: Good morning, everybody.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hadn't seen my mother that happy since Lionel Richie went solo.

Greg: Have you decided what you're gonna do?
Chris: I can't do any of the stuff that you talked about. I only have $27.
Greg: That's not bad. If I were you, I'd try and figure out what he needs and just give him that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if it would ruin our friendship if I smacked his eyebrows off?