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‘Everybody Hates the Gout’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Gout

116. Everybody Hates the Gout

Aired March 2, 2006

Chris is scared to show his report card to Rochelle when he gets an F in math. Meanwhile, Julius is off work with the gout, giving him a chance to catch up on his soap operas.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As kids we only had one job: go to school and get decent grades.
Kids: Bye, Mommy. Love you.
Rochelle: Have a good day. Don't come home stupid.
Kids: We won't.

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Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could usually get a good grade just by talking about Dr. Martin Luther King.
Martin Luther King: [film] Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In English class...
Chris: My book report is on Dr. Martin Luther King.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In history...
Chris: My history report is on the Birmingham Bus Boycott led by Dr. Martin Luther King.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only place Martin Luther King didn't work was in math.
Ms. Morello: Chris, what's the square root of 144?
Chris: 1963? The same year that Dr. Martin Luther King led the March on Washington?
Ms. Morello: No, it's 12.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother I got an F. Next to dealing drugs, getting bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.
[flash-forward to 1993: Tonya is holding a gun over a man's dead body in front of the house:]
Rochelle: Tonya, what happened?
Teenage Tonya: Mama, I had to smoke that fool.
Rochelle: Oh, not him. I'm talking about this D you got in algebra.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And worse than this.
[flash-forward to 1994:]
Rochelle: Drew! Where is that boy?
[Rochelle opens the door and finds Drew wearing a cowboy hot, a plaid shirt and blue jeans with a guitar strapped to his back]
Rochelle: What the hell is wrong with you?
Teenage Drew: I'm following my dream, Mama. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.
Rochelle: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about this F. Now, take your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study. You think I'm playing with you? And where'd you get that guitar from? You'd better not be selling no damn drugs in my house.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying to figure out what to do about my F, my father was home sick, trying to figure out how he got the gout.
Rochelle: Oh, baby when did you get the gout?
Julius: I don't know. It just happened.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know you're probably wondering, what is the gout?
[A doctor addresses the camera from his office:]
Doctor: Well, gout, or the gout as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis, which causes severe swelling usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like...
[The doctor appears behind Julius in the living room]
Doctor: ...smothered pork chops.
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: Smothered chicken-fried bacon.
Julius: Needs some salt.
Doctor: And smothered chicken-fried bananas.
Julius: Not bad. Needs salt.
Doctor: Are you out your damn mind?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: How long y'all been here?
Pam: Oh, about three, four hours. We're just catching up on the soaps. Oh, and this is my girl Monica. Monica, that's Rochelle.
Rochelle: Nice to meet you, Monica.
Monica: Nice to meet you.
Rochelle: Why do you look so familiar to me?
Monica: You tried to sell me food stamps down by the subway that day.
Pam: I thought you said you weren't selling food stamps.
Sheila: You were selling food stamps?
Rochelle: I wasn't selling no food stamps. [phone rings] Julius, go get the phone. You hear the phone ringing. It rang, like, three times already. Thank you, baby. Girl, that gout is making him lose his mind. Does gout mess with your hearing?

Quote from Chris

Greg: So it worked?
Chris: Yep. I told my mother that Miss Morello was busy, and I told Miss Morello that my mother was busy. That was that, and I'm just glad it's over.
[When they walk into the class room, Chris sees Rochelle sitting on a chair at the back of the class]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They say when you're about to die your life flashes right before your eyes. Well, here's what mine looked like.
[footage of a plane crash, a stunt car crashing, a boxer getting hit in the face]
[fantasy:]
Greg: Dude, you're definitely not in there.
Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.
Drew: Hey, Chris, can I have your comic books?
Julius: That's a $2 pair of underwear you're messing up.
Joey Caruso: Rest in peace Toby.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Okay. I was afraid you'd get mad at me for getting an F. I thought I could do better next semester, so I changed my grade, forged your signature onto the report card and gave it to Miss Morello. I thought you wouldn't find out.
Rochelle: [mocking] "I thought you wouldn't find out." Boy, what do I look like, Boo-Boo the Fool? You're running around here lying, forging my signature. Have you lost your mind? Look, Chris, if you lie... you steal, if you steal, you kill, and I am not getting your behind out of jail. Chris, if you would have put this much effort into passing the class in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I am very upset that you failed that class, but I'm more upset that you lied to me. You are not stupid, Chris. Don't act like it. Remember, I bought you in this world, I'll take you right out. You understand me?
Chris: Yes, ma'am.
Rochelle: All right. Now bring your behind home.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had a funny way of making me feel like the smartest idiot in the world.
Chris: Wait, that's it?
Rochelle: No, you better bring that grade up, or I'm gonna slap the wax out your ears.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: An "A" in math? Chris, this is so great.
Tonya: You got an "A" in math?
Chris: That's right. So what?
Tonya: What's three times three?
Chris: Nine.
Tonya: What's four times five?
Chris: Twenty.
Tonya: What's eleven times eleven?
Chris: Shut up.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Did you know that your son got an "A" in math?
Julius: My man! That must be why your teacher called this afternoon. Yeah, she wants you to come down to school on Wednesday and talk about Chris's grade.
Male Announcer: [v.o.] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more, when Everybody Hates Chris returns.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I had the cards in place, all I had to do was keep my mother and Mrs. Morello from seeing each other and I would be home free.
Ms. Morello: Chris, do you have your signed report card?
Chris: Sure do. My mother says she won't be able to come to the school tomorrow. My father has the gout.
Ms. Morello: Did you say "the gout"?
Chris: Yes. The gout.
Ms. Morello: I'm concerned about your grade, Chris.
Chris: Well, my mom is, too. She told me I better get a C on my next report card. And then she... Well, let's just say it's kind of hard to sit down. [Ms. Morello gasps] [Chris groans as he walks away]

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Things always worked out best in my house when everybody did their job. And after being more embarrassed than I'd ever been in my life, all I had to do was one more thing.
Chris: Mom, I got my report card.
Rochelle: A D! My baby got a D.
Chris: And you're happy about that?
Rochelle: I'm just happy I don't have to smack the chap off your lips.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Pancakes?
Drew: Hey, Mom, we're having pancakes?
Rochelle: No, Chris is having pancakes. That's my baby's reward for getting an A.
Tonya: Can I have some pancakes?
Rochelle: Do you get an A?
Tonya: I got a B.
Rochelle: That's not an A.
Julius: Can I have some pancakes? I think my foot's getting better. I might be able to make it to work tomorrow.
Rochelle: Pancakes are for people who get A's, not for people who get the gout. Baby, you want anything else? My A student deserves nothing but the best.
Chris: No. No. Oh, by the way, my teacher says she won't be able to see you today.
Rochelle: That's okay, baby. I'll talk to her next time. You want some butter?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh, don't mind me. I'm just here to watch my brilliant, mathematician son in action. Ms. Morello said it would be okay. [Chris turns around and sees Ms. Morello glaring at him]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I could just be cool, maybe everything will be all right.
Ms. Morello: Today we're doing fractions. What does three twelfths plus three fourths equal?
Rochelle: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me.
Ms. Morello: Rochelle.
Rochelle: Chris has an answer. He got an A.
Ms. Morello: That's right. He did get an A.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I could drive, I'd do this. [footage of the police chasing a car]
Chris: I don't know the answer.
Rochelle: No? Well, how is that possible? You're the math wiz. The human calculator. You got an A.
Chris: I actually got an F.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This must be how Marion Barry felt when that tape got out.
Rochelle: Miss Morello, thank you for your time. Come on, Chris.
Joey Caruso: See you later, Stymie.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In my house, everyone had a job. It was my father's job to pay the bills.
[Rochelle and the kids are wearing winter clothes as they huddle together in the kitchen:]
Tonya: I'm hungry.
Drew: I'm cold.
Chris: I'm hungry and cold.
Rochelle: Eat a piece of cracker. Your father's coming.
Julius: [enters] I've got the money. [all cheer]

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was my mother's job to keep the house and the kids in line.
[montage:]
Rochelle: Boy, quit leaving your socks all over the place.
Rochelle: Boy, mop the floor.
Rochelle: Girl, clean up the table.
Julius: Good job, baby.

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