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‘Everybody Hates Fat Mike’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Fat Mike

105. Everybody Hates Fat Mike

Aired October 20, 2005

Chris goes against his parent's wishes and lends his bike to a neighbor kid. Meanwhile, Julius takes on more of the household duties when he's off work because of a strike.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't know Fat Mike's real name, I didn't know where he lived. All I knew was, I had to get my bike back, because if I didn't...
[fantasy:]
Tonya: Mama, where's Chris?
Rochelle: Somebody stole his bike after I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week.
Drew: I told you.
Rochelle: He'll be back on Tuesday.

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As much as my mother complains about housework, she hated to have somebody else do it. And after my father got his job back, she got to do one of the things she does best...
[cut to Rochelle in the office:]
Rochelle: File your own damn papers. I do not need this. My husband has two jobs.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.
Rochelle: Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have complain.
Julius: Half the stuff around here I do better than you. It ain't that hard.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.
Rochelle: What? You got something to say?
Announcer: [over title card] WARNING! The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Rochelle: Well, ain't this about a bitch?! [glass shattering] Are you crazy?! You do my job for one day. [glass shattering] And I make that damn hard! You baking, frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard!
[one hour later:]
Rochelle: You must think I'm crazy! [glass shattering] You can kiss my ain't-that-hard... [loud thudding] Have you lost your mind?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I cannot believe... What is this?
Julius: I don't know.
Rochelle: What do you mean you don't know?
Julius: What time is it?
Rochelle: It looks like a whirlwind.
Julius: Hey, what are you going to make for dinner? Huh?
Voice over: [over title card] WARNING! The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Rochelle: Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner? Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons? Get over here and pick this crap up before I smack the shine off your head.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] There were hundreds of kids on my block, but only four fathers. There was Mr. Jenkins. He had all girls, so he was always screaming.
Mr. Jenkins: Hey! Hey! You boys get away from my daughter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Parrish's wife cheated on him, so he was always checking to see if his kids looked like him. He was the first man in Bed-Stuy to get a DNA test. Mr. Hutchins had two grown sons who wouldn't move out. They're holding out like, "Last one dies get's the apartment." And there's my dad, Julius. Because unemployment was so high, the dads all knew each other, 'cause they were the only men going to work in the morning. Between these four dads, they had 16 jobs and worked 492 hours a week!

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Bed-Stuy wasn't the best neighborhood in Brooklyn, but it wasn't quite as bad as people thought. You say, "Bed-Stuy," and people think this...
[archive footage of police using the water hose on people, people rioting amid burning buildings and burned out vehicles]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But it was a pretty regular place. Mail got delivered. People ran businesses. Kids played in the street. My problem was, since I didn't go to school in the neighborhood, the thugs didn't know me, so they would rob me almost every single day.
Jerome: Yo, yo, yo, little man. You live around here?
Chris: I live right down there.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could tell him where I lived, but then he might break in my house.
Thug #1: Man, what school you go to?
Chris: Corleone Junior High.
Jerome: Corleone? You ever heard of that?
Thug #1: No.
Jerome: Y'all ever heard of Corleone Junior High?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] These fools never heard of Yale!
Jerome: Hey, man, we ain't never heard of that. So, uh, why don't you let me hold a dollar?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In case you didn't know, when a criminal says, "Let me hold something," that means you're never getting it back.
[fantasy: a masked gunman points his gun at a cashier:]
Masked Gunman: Let me hold your cash register.
[reality:]
Jerome: Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It could have been worse. I could have been going to pay the light bill.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I got a new bike when we moved. Now, before 13-year-olds started driving Bentleys, a new bike was pretty impressive. My last bike had gotten stolen, so my father had one rule.
Julius: Don't let nobody ride it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had one rule, too.
Rochelle: Chris, you can only ride from this end of the block to that end of the block.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sometimes, I could only ride in a circle in front of the house.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, how long do you think this is gonna last?
Julius: I don't know, but I can't be out of work right now. I'm trying to put some extra money down on the heat bill. Plus, the kids need new winter coats.
Rochelle: Well, Chris could wear Drew's old coat. And Tonya will be okay. Her sleeves might be a little short, but we'll just buy her longer gloves.
Julius: Fool don't know better than to light fire around gas, and now I'm all messed up.

Quote from Adult Chris

Fat Mike: That's a nice bike. How long you had it?
Chris: About three months now. I got it for my birthday.
Fat Mike: I wish I had that one.
Chris: Why do they call you Fat Mike?
Fat Mike: They just always did.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There were about ten Mikes in my neighborhood. Big Head Mike spent more time in jail than out of jail. White Mike was just a White guy who lived on the block. Family didn't have enough money to leave. Tall Mike played ball. Monster Mike just scared kids. And Mike Mike was actually the first Mike that lived on the block, but his real name was Paul.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What you put in these eggs?
Julius: Just a little ham, cheddar cheese, season salt, a touch of basil, and just a little dash of hot sauce.
Rochelle: Taste a little funny.
Julius: You want something else?
Rochelle: I'll have some sausage.
Julius: Okay.
Rochelle: Mmm. A little dry.

Quote from Chris

Jerome: What's up, little man?
Chris: I was looking for Fat Mike.
Thug #1: You know Fat Mike?
Chris: Yeah. I was here the other day when y'all tried to rob me.
Jerome: Oh. Yeah, you're the little dude from across the street, huh? Man, that's the little dude from across the street.
Thug #1: Oh, yeah. We didn't know that was you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You said that like I had on a disguise.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Mom, Dad found $20 cleaning under my bed.
Rochelle: That's nice.
Drew: He let me keep five.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Now, this is a little unusual, but I need you to do what I tell you. I want you to mess the house up.
Tonya: What?
Chris: Whoa. Mess the house up?
Drew: Won't Mama get mad?
Julius: Yeah, but don't worry about it.
Tonya: Can I set Chris on fire?
Julius: No, baby, don't set Chris on fire, okay?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At least this time she asked for permission.
Tonya: Okay.
Julius: Now mess up your beds, eat a snack, leave your plates out. Leave your drawers in the hallway. Just don't set your brother on fire, all right? Now, go!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Black people didn't go this crazy again until the L.A. riots.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] With my mother back at home and father back at work everything was back to normal again.
Thug #1: Yo, little man, let me hold a dollar.
Chris: I know Fat Mike.
Thug #1:Who?
Chris: Fat Mike. You know me. I'm the little dude across the street.
Thug #2: What's that supposed to mean? We don't live around here.
Chris: [screams] Help me! [runs]

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing could stop my father from working unless work stopped working.
Newscaster: Local truckers are on strike today over dangerous conditions brought about what they call "lack of adequate signage." Apparently, a driver was injured in an explosion caused when gasoline fumes were ignited as he filled his tank.
Julius: I can't believe this!
Rochelle: What's wrong?
Julius: I'm on strike.
Rochelle: What happened?
Julius: They say we're in dangerous conditions, and they got to put warning signs on the truck, 'cause some guy got in an accident.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother was pretty good with people when she wanted to be, so she never had any problem getting a job.
Woman #1: [storming out of the interview] Oh, you can stick it! I told you not to call my old job.
Woman #2: [to Rochelle] You trying to get that secretary job?
Man in Drag: Girl, I like your shoes.
Interviewer: Rochelle.
Rochelle: Hi. Nice to meet you.

Quote from Chris

Jerome: Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yo, little man, let me hold a dollar.
Chris: I don't have any money.
Thug #1: So what you got, then?
Chris: Nothing! I stopped carrying stuff, 'cause every time I come by here, you ask me where I live. I say, "Right down there," and then you rob me anyway.
Jerome: You live around here?
Chris: Yeah, right down there.
Thug #1: That's a nice bike.
Jerome: Look at that. Yeah. That's new?
Chris: Yeah.
Thug #1: Why don't you, uh, let me take a ride on your bike.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: Can I steal your bike, please?
Chris: My dad said not to let anybody ride it.
Fat Mike: Why don't you guys leave him alone?
Thug #1: Yo, Fat Mike. You know this dude?
Fat Mike: Yeah. He lives right up the street.
Jerome: Man, why you ain't say you know Fat Mike?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh, because I don't.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Why do you hang out with those guys?
Fat Mike: I just know them from the block.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wasn't sure why Fat Mike was hanging with me, but as long as it kept me from getting robbed, I was cool.
Chris: You go to school around here?
Fat Mike: Yeah. Where do you go?
Chris: Corleone. It's all the way over in Brooklyn Beach.
Fat Mike: Why all the way over there?
Chris: My mom. She thinks it's "better."

Quote from Adult Chris

Fat Mike: Oh, don't be scared of them. They'll leave you alone after a while.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: When they go to jail.
Chris: You want to hang out after school tomorrow?
Fat Mike: I can't. I got to go to Jersey to see my father.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think I was the first kid that Fat Mike knew that actually had a father that lived at home.
Chris: All right, then I'll catch you later.

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