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‘Everybody Hates Sausage’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Sausage

104. Everybody Hates Sausage

Aired October 13, 2005

When a rumor spreads at school that Chris was the one who beat up Caruso, his new tough-guy reputation only brings with it more problems. Meanwhile, Julius buys a big crate of sausages which the family must eat at every meal.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always worked two jobs, which made my mother so comfortable, she'd quit her job over anything.
[flashback to Rochelle as a waitress:]
Woman: Check, please?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I mean anything.
Rochelle: Now, do I look like I have your check? All that hollering at people. I don't need this. My husband has two jobs. I don't need to be here right now.
[flashback to Rochelle as a receptionist:]
Man: Hold my calls.
Rochelle: Who are you hollering at? "Hold my calls." Hold your own damn call! I do not need this! My man has two jobs!

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Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Baby, if she doesn't eat they could call child welfare on us.
Rochelle: Mm-mm, Julius, that little girl is testing me. And if I let her tell me what she will and won't eat; the next thing you know, she'll be telling me what she will and won't wear. Then, the next thing you know, she'll be telling me when she will and won't come home! And then the next thing you know, she's going to end up pregnant... And I ain't taking care of no babies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother always thought anything that Tonya did wrong would eventually get her pregnant. And she ain't taking care of no babies.

Quote from Julius

Julius: What are you doing?
Drew: Practicing karate.
Julius: What are you going to do with karate?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father didn't see the reason of learning anything that didn't get you a job.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: So how's school, Chris? You working on anthropology or paleontology, something complicated, I bet.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother thought I was learning all kinds of things 'cause I went to a White school.
Chris: Nope, it's just regular arithmetic.
Rochelle: Y'all hear that? White kids are working on arithmetic. Around here, they're still doing math.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother always thought bigger words meant something better.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Okay, say the blessing, baby.
Julius: Where's the meat? [goes to the kitchen]
Rochelle: We don't have any.
Julius: [o.s.] Didn't you buy some pork chops?
Rochelle: No, that meat was too expensive.
Julius: [o.s.] I know we got some canned Spam or some Vienna sausage or bacon or beef jerky. Something. I mean, what kind of meal is that without meat? [returns]
Rochelle: It's a vegetarian meal.
Julius: Do I look like a vegetarian to you? I work 60 hours a week. I lift papers and boxes all night. I don't want vegetables. I need meat.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Dr. Raymond pulled me out of detention because he thought talking to me would keep me out of trouble.
Dr. Raymond: Son, I know things are rough for you here. But just because you don't have a father...
Chris: But I do have a father.
Dr. Raymond: Well, when your mother is on drugs...
Chris: My mom's not on drugs.
Dr. Raymond: I understand, but being born a crack baby is no excuse.
Chris: I wasn't born a crack baby.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I was the only Black kid at my school, I thought people stared at me all the time because they were fascinated with me.
[flashback:]
Boy #1: Check it out. His skin.
Girl: Was your hair always like this?
Boy #2: Do you know Gary Coleman?
[present:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But I found out they were just scared of me. [a teacher ducks into her classroom and locks the door] She didn't come out of that classroom for a whole week.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Xièxiè nǐ, māmā.
Rochelle: What?
Drew: It's "Thank you, Mom" in Chinese.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my brother got into something, he got into it. You know, he's getting Asian girls to this very day.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Mo-
Rochelle: Eh!
Chris: School-
Rochelle: Don't!
Chris: But-
Rochelle: Eh!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "Get in this house before I smack the wax out your ears."

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My brother Drew loved karate, and he didn't take lessons. All he had to do was see somebody do something, and then he could copy it. Today, you'd call that a "music producer."

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, my mother was cooking. I never knew how many meals you could make with sausage. Chicken-fried sausage, sausage on a stick, Kung Pao sausage... but the was only one problem.
Tonya: I hate sausage.
Rochelle: Oh, come on, baby. You haven't even tried it.
Tonya: That's 'cause I hate sausage.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means "There's a smack over here, if you want it."
Julius: Can she just eat her vegetables?
Rochelle: I thought vegetables wasn't a meal. Now, I should send you to Africa, since you don't want to eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother could deal with a lot of things, but a child who wouldn't eat wasn't one of it.
Rochelle: You're going to sit there until you eat that sausage.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means "I'm still thinking about knocking you out of that chair."

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Detention was a step up from my old school. In my old school, if you did something wrong you had to fight the principal.
[flashback:]
Principal: You want to fight so bad?!
Girl: Fight me! I ain't scared of you!
Principal: Well, bring it! Bring it!
Girl: Oh, no, you didn't!
Principal: Come on!
Girl: You, you, you!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You should have seen what happened when he tried to suspend her.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: What's this?
Julius: Meat. Fresh sausage links. I got a deal from the meat man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In Bed-Stuy, "getting a deal" meant you bought something that was stolen. Now, everybody knew the stuff was stolen, which was cool, as long as it wasn't stolen from you.
[flashback to Julius buying a boombox from the back of a man's car]
[flashback to Julius buying a doll from the back of a man's car]
[flashback to Julius buying blue overalls with the name "Julius" on:]
Julius: Hey! This is mine! [the guy runs away]

Quote from Chris

Greg: He said you beat him up?
Chris: Yeah, and I mean, like, Raymond believed it. A hundred kids saw me getting chased home. And now, everyone's afraid of me. Caruso's already beaten the heck out of me every day, and I can't even try to defend myself without gettin' sent to detention. I mean, you know, I can't take this.
Greg: Well, why don't you just punch him in the face? You did do it before.
Chris: I didn't just walk up there and pow, punch him in the face. I had a plan which didn't include getting beat down, chased home and sent to detention.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was like I was getting my ass kicked for getting my ass kicked.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] People go to war over a lot of things: oil, land, lies, but this one started over sausage.

Quote from Chris

Greg: Geez, what was that?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At school, Caruso tortured me every chance he got.
Chris: A battery!
Greg: A 'D' They're packing heavy. Come on, man. Let's just go.
Chris: No, no! I'm getting tired of him.
[As Chris throws the battery at Caruso, everybody around him ducks but Caruso stands defiant. The battery smashes a glass pane in the door.]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I'd have had a brick, I'd have hit him. Maybe he didn't see who threw it. [everybody points at Chris] Now, where were these guys when Tupac got shot?

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After two days, Tonya hadn't taken a bite of sausage. And after having it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, she wasn't the only one who hated it.
Rochelle: Mm! Mm! Now, this is good. Isn't it good, baby?
Julius: [pause] Yeah. Yeah, it's good.
Rochelle: Mmm!
Chris: It's better than those sausage-o's we had this morning, I'll tell you that.
Rochelle: Well, anybody want some cake?
Drew: Does it have sausage in it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We didn't usually have cake, but my mother was trying to get at Tonya.
Tonya: Can I have some cake?
Rochelle: You can have some sausage.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I told you.
Rochelle: Sausage.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After a few days of sausage for breakfast, lunch and dinner, would you believe my mother started running out of ideas?
Julius: Mmm! Sausage and Pop Tarts.
Rochelle: [puts a sausage on Tonya's plate] You're eating the sausage.

Quote from Julius

Julius: But it's been two days.
Rochelle: Oh, Julius, it's been three days.
Julius: Right. Three days.
Rochelle: Did you feed her something?
[flashback to 1.14 am, two days ago:]
Julius: Here's a peanut butter sandwich. When your mama comes down, talk to the side, so she can't smell your breath. And eat the crust.
Tonya: I don't like crust! [Julius shushes Tonya] I don't like crust.
Julius: Just eat it, girl.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Would you believe my father had to come back and finish the crust?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Come on, baby, you can do it. Just try it. A little bit.
Tonya: Okay. [eats a tiny bite of sausage] It's good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now I'd love to sit here and tell you that we had the sort of loving family that worked out all its problems with love, compassion and patience, that we ended every day with hugs and laughter... But here's what really happened that night:
Rochelle: Baby, just try it, okay?
Tonya: But I don't like it.
Rochelle: You're going to eat this sausage! Do you hear me?! God, do you think I'm playing with you?! [all clamoring]
Julius: Oh, no! No! Rochelle! No! Rochelle! Rochelle, no, no, no, no!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raising no babies.

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