Adult Chris: [v.o.] Standing there waiting for Yvette was one of the best feelings I'd had. But after 15 minutes, I thought, "Maybe the buses are running late." After 30 minutes, I thought, "Maybe the bus broke down." After an hour, I thought, "Maybe the bus got in an accident, skidded through the guardrail, exploded in midair, and ended up at the bottom of the East River." After the movie was over, I thought, "Maybe she never got on that bus at all." To this day, I can't make it through Footloose without crying.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even before video, Drew learned the secret to being a good singer is to not sing at all.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because I was planning to cut school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP meeting.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While we were talking about people, people were talking about us.
Jennifer: [scoffs] Why would she go with him? He's so dirty.
Sydney: I think he's blackmailing her, and he's so ignorant.
Lisa: Anybody would be better than him. He's so... sneaky.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the nice way of putting it. What they really meant was...
Jennifer: [scoffs] What is she thinking? He's so Black.
Sydney: Has she lost her mind? He's Black.
Lisa: Did somebody hit her in the head with a baseball bat, poke her eyes out and shoot her up with drugs? Doesn't she know he's Black?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Talk about me going to the dance with Carrie spread like wildfire, and the fire looked something like this.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: big ones, like losing your job; and little ones, like trying to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hiding it in the bathroom.
[fantasy:]
Julius: Who's hiding $27 worth of weed in the toilet?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about hiding it in my room.
Tonya: Mama! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even thought about hiding it in the kitchen.
Rochelle: Who hid weed in my cereal?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the projects. She always said project is just another word for experiment. In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed like everybody was getting something except me.
Greg: Still a few days to go. We could still get a card.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "If we weren't friends, I'd smack the hope out of you."

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my father wasn't romantic, he wasn't stupid, either. He had a shoebox full of greeting cards in the house. He could give my mother a card for any occasion. Happy Anniversary.
Rochelle: Aw, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [o.s.] Happy Flag Day.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy Chanukah.
Rochelle: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He used to keep candy under the bed, too, but the mice kept eating it.

Julius: Suspended? For talking in class?
Rochelle: What did you say?
Chris: Well, it's a routine called "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television."
Rochelle: Well, what are they?
Chris: I can't say them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We're on television, woman! Didn't you hear the name of the bit?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't just learn Spanish. I learned about a whole new world, a world that ironically wasn't too different than the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves. There was a Puerto Rican Doc.
Chris: Aqui?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was a Puerto Rican Risky.
Puerto Rican Risky: Ten dollars.
Man: Gracias.
Puerto Rican Risky: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was even a Puerto Rican Jerome.
Puerto Rican Jerome: Oye, chico del otro lado de la calle. Let me hold un dollar, papi?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everything was different, but getting robbed still hurt.
Puerto Rican Jerome: Gracias, hermano.