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‘Everybody Hates Father's Day’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Father's Day

122. Everybody Hates Father's Day

Aired May 11, 2006

Chris wants to find the perfect gift for Father's Day, but Julius's only wish is to have the house to himself for a day.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mama, how come Daddy doesn't want to be with us on Father's Day?
Rochelle: Oh, baby, it's not that your daddy doesn't want to be with us, it's just that he works hard all the time and he just wants to have a little time to be by himself.
Drew: Man, that's cool. I can't wait until I'm a father so I can have this whole house to myself.
Rochelle: You are not gonna be a father in this house, because I ain't taking care of no babies. Lost your mind.

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to imagine doing the things that Greg talked about with my father. Like bringing him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Julius: Are you crazy? Boy, you better bring me some bacon.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about taking my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
Julius: We paid $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even imagined us shooting off bottle rockets in front of the house. [bottle rocket whistling] [guns firing] [police officer shouting]
Julius: Run, boy, run!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if Greg's dad ever got shot at.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, it's the thought that counts.
Julius: I appreciate it, I really do, but if you buy me presents, I'm just gonna have to work to pay it off. At this rate, I'll be working when I'm dead.
[fantasy: Julius is in his casket down at the depot:]
Boss: Julius, you're dead. What are you doing here?
Julius: Trying to pay off these presents. Listen, can I work the graveyard shift?

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Have you decided what you're gonna do?
Chris: I can't do any of the stuff that you talked about. I only have $27.
Greg: That's not bad. If I were you, I'd try and figure out what he needs and just give him that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if it would ruin our friendship if I smacked his eyebrows off?

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] This year, I wanted to get my father the perfect gift, and the only way to do that was to ask him what he wanted.
Chris: Dad, what present do you want for Father's Day?
Julius: You want to get me something for Father's Day? You can help me knock off one of these bills.
Rochelle: Julius.
Julius: Okay. Father's Day... You know what? Y'all really want to get me something for Father's Day? I know exactly what I want.
Rochelle: What's that, baby?
Julius: A day off.
Tonya: You mean a day off from work?
Julius: No. A day off from everything and everybody. No fighting, no shouting, no complaining, no fixing. Just one day where I can do whatever I feel like doing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope he doesn't want to leave us for a White girl.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, can the kids at least get you a real gift? What? What's that?
Julius: Every Father's Day card and present I've gotten for the past four years. Look at this. A box of S-Curl.
Rochelle: I got you that.
Julius: A macaroni cigar box.
Rochelle: Mmm. That's so cute.
Julius: I got four ties-- a neck tie, a bow tie, bolo tie...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I got him that.
Julius: ...and a clip-on tie. I don't even wear ties. I don't go nowhere. That's $28.46 we could have used on something else.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Does he have any hobbies?
Chris: Is taking naps a hobby?
Greg: No.
Chris: So, what are you getting your dad for Father's Day?
Greg: I don't know if "getting" is the right word. It's more like "doing."
Chris: Okay, so what are you doing for your dad?
Greg: Well, first, I'm making his favorite breakfast. Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Quote from Chris

Doc: What does your daddy like to do?
Chris: That's the tough part. All he does is sleep and work.
Doc: I know what that's like. But I got just the thing. A Swiss LCD quartz calculator alarm watch.
Chris: Well, he has an alarm clock at home. What's he need one in his watch for?
Doc: You never know.
[fantasy: Julius is asleep at the wheel of his truck when his watch beeps:]
Julius: Oh! Thank goodness for this watch.
[reality:]
Chris: Hmm. I never thought of that.
Doc: It's got a calculator, too. He can figure out how much anything costs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If it came with a side of bacon, that would have been the best gift in history.

Quote from Julius

Kids: Happy Father's Day!
Rochelle: Happy Father's Day, baby. We love you.
Julius: I love y'all, too. Yeah. Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?
Tonya: Daddy, aren't you gonna read your card?
Julius: Ooh, yeah. Let's see here. "To the Best Dad in the Whole World." That's so sweet. Oh, thank you. Hey, y'all enjoy y'all selves today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.
Chris: Dad, we made your favorite thing for breakfast.
Drew: And I brought your gout pills, so now you can eat all you want without worrying.
Julius: Oh, man, bacon, eggs with cheese, biscuits and butter. I feel like I died and went to heaven. Thank you, baby.
Rochelle: Oh, ain't nothing, baby. They did it all.
Julius: When y'all leaving, huh?

Quote from Julius

Julius: It's a receipt. He paid the electric bill.
Rochelle: Oh, baby, that is so...
Chris: When I asked you if I could get you anything for Father's Day, you said I could help you knock out a bill. That was the only one I could afford.
Julius: Thanks, son.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never really cared much about presents, but giving him a reason to smile was the best thing I could ever do for him.
Julius: This is the best gift I ever got. I'll remember this forever.
Chris: Happy Father's Day.
Julius: I'm proud of you, Chris. Becoming more of a man every day.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Julius: You know, I was thinking, it might be a good idea if you get a job and start paying a bill every month.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everyone would agree that one of the most important days of the year is Mother's Day.
Kids & Julius: Happy Mother's Day!
Rochelle: Oh, you guys didn't have to do this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everybody wants to show their mama how much they love them. Even Tupac wrote a song about his mother. On Mother's Day, people pull out all the stops. You take your mother to brunch...
Restaurant Manager: We're out of food. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. If you could just come back next Sunday.
Woman: What- What do you mean you're out of food? Next Sunday?
Restaurant Manager: We're out of food, Mama. What you want me to do?
Mother: Get in that space!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We take her to a great movie so she can wear a great big hat. And you spend your last dime on her, just so she knows she's number one.
White Mother: Oh, my God!
White Father: Come on.
White Mother: Oh, I can't believe you did this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But when it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.
Restaurant Manager: It's Father's Day, people. Come on down to Pastures and Shores. The food is half-price. Buenas noches. Como se dice "half-off"?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The movies are terrible...
Man: Turn it off! Turn it off!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...the gifts suck.
White Father: What the hell is this?
White Mother: It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this. [film of The Temptations singing Papa Was a Rollin' Stone]

Quote from Greg

Greg: So, wait, your dad says he doesn't want anything?
Chris: Nope. All he said was he wanted to be all alone.
Greg: You better watch out. My mother said she wanted a day alone. The next thing we knew, she left and moved to Poughkeepsie.

Quote from Doc

Doc: What you looking for, Chris?
Chris: I'm trying to find my father something for Father's Day.
Doc: Father's Day. My daddy liked guns, liquor and women.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess he liked jail, too.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Isn't that sweet? We have the best kids in the world.
Julius: Oh, yeah.
Rochelle: They're so sweet.
Julius: They are.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "Ain't you supposed to be leaving?"
Julius: You better hurry up. I mean... You're gonna be late for your, uh, the, um... Uh, the... Uh, what y'all doing?
Rochelle: We're going to the museum. And to see the movie Trading Places.
Julius: Oh, that should be funny.
Rochelle: Right. Right.
Julius: So, you better hurry up, all right?
Rochelle: Okay, Julius, we're leaving.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For my father to have one day where he could do whatever he felt like doing was like finding a million dollars. He slept on the couch. He slept in the bed. He slept on the dining room table and dreamt his favorite dreams.
Julius: 17 cent worth of butter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He watched bowling.
Julius: Yeah! Yes!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He watched baseball.
Julius: Yeah!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He watched golf.
Julius: Oh, oh, oh, yeah!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He even did stuff we didn't know he did, like painting. And singing his favorite songs.
Julius: [sings] At first I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side But then I spent so many nights Thinking how you did me wrong But I grew strong And I learned how to get along And now you're back from Outer Space
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't say he knew all the words.

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