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Everybody Hates Father's Day

‘Everybody Hates Father's Day’

Season 1, Episode 22 -  Aired May 11, 2006

Chris wants to find the perfect gift for Father's Day, but Julius's only wish is to have the house to himself for a day.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mama, how come Daddy doesn't want to be with us on Father's Day?
Rochelle: Oh, baby, it's not that your daddy doesn't want to be with us, it's just that he works hard all the time and he just wants to have a little time to be by himself.
Drew: Man, that's cool. I can't wait until I'm a father so I can have this whole house to myself.
Rochelle: You are not gonna be a father in this house, because I ain't taking care of no babies. Lost your mind.


Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to imagine doing the things that Greg talked about with my father. Like bringing him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Julius: Are you crazy? Boy, you better bring me some bacon.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about taking my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
Julius: We paid $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even imagined us shooting off bottle rockets in front of the house. [bottle rocket whistling] [guns firing] [police officer shouting]
Julius: Run, boy, run!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if Greg's dad ever got shot at.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, it's the thought that counts.
Julius: I appreciate it, I really do, but if you buy me presents, I'm just gonna have to work to pay it off. At this rate, I'll be working when I'm dead.
[fantasy: Julius is in his casket down at the depot:]
Boss: Julius, you're dead. What are you doing here?
Julius: Trying to pay off these presents. Listen, can I work the graveyard shift?

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Have you decided what you're gonna do?
Chris: I can't do any of the stuff that you talked about. I only have $27.
Greg: That's not bad. If I were you, I'd try and figure out what he needs and just give him that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if it would ruin our friendship if I smacked his eyebrows off?

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] This year, I wanted to get my father the perfect gift, and the only way to do that was to ask him what he wanted.
Chris: Dad, what present do you want for Father's Day?
Julius: You want to get me something for Father's Day? You can help me knock off one of these bills.
Rochelle: Julius.
Julius: Okay. Father's Day... You know what? Y'all really want to get me something for Father's Day? I know exactly what I want.
Rochelle: What's that, baby?
Julius: A day off.
Tonya: You mean a day off from work?
Julius: No. A day off from everything and everybody. No fighting, no shouting, no complaining, no fixing. Just one day where I can do whatever I feel like doing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope he doesn't want to leave us for a White girl.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, can the kids at least get you a real gift? What? What's that?
Julius: Every Father's Day card and present I've gotten for the past four years. Look at this. A box of S-Curl.
Rochelle: I got you that.
Julius: A macaroni cigar box.
Rochelle: Mmm. That's so cute.
Julius: I got four ties-- a neck tie, a bow tie, bolo tie...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I got him that.
Julius: ...and a clip-on tie. I don't even wear ties. I don't go nowhere. That's $28.46 we could have used on something else.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Does he have any hobbies?
Chris: Is taking naps a hobby?
Greg: No.
Chris: So, what are you getting your dad for Father's Day?
Greg: I don't know if "getting" is the right word. It's more like "doing."
Chris: Okay, so what are you doing for your dad?
Greg: Well, first, I'm making his favorite breakfast. Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Quote from Chris

Doc: What does your daddy like to do?
Chris: That's the tough part. All he does is sleep and work.
Doc: I know what that's like. But I got just the thing. A Swiss LCD quartz calculator alarm watch.
Chris: Well, he has an alarm clock at home. What's he need one in his watch for?
Doc: You never know.
[fantasy: Julius is asleep at the wheel of his truck when his watch beeps:]
Julius: Oh! Thank goodness for this watch.
Chris: Hmm. I never thought of that.
Doc: It's got a calculator, too. He can figure out how much anything costs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If it came with a side of bacon, that would have been the best gift in history.

Quote from Julius

Kids: Happy Father's Day!
Rochelle: Happy Father's Day, baby. We love you.
Julius: I love y'all, too. Yeah. Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?
Tonya: Daddy, aren't you gonna read your card?
Julius: Ooh, yeah. Let's see here. "To the Best Dad in the Whole World." That's so sweet. Oh, thank you. Hey, y'all enjoy y'all selves today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.
Chris: Dad, we made your favorite thing for breakfast.
Drew: And I brought your gout pills, so now you can eat all you want without worrying.
Julius: Oh, man, bacon, eggs with cheese, biscuits and butter. I feel like I died and went to heaven. Thank you, baby.
Rochelle: Oh, ain't nothing, baby. They did it all.
Julius: When y'all leaving, huh?

Quote from Julius

Julius: It's a receipt. He paid the electric bill.
Rochelle: Oh, baby, that is so...
Chris: When I asked you if I could get you anything for Father's Day, you said I could help you knock out a bill. That was the only one I could afford.
Julius: Thanks, son.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never really cared much about presents, but giving him a reason to smile was the best thing I could ever do for him.
Julius: This is the best gift I ever got. I'll remember this forever.
Chris: Happy Father's Day.
Julius: I'm proud of you, Chris. Becoming more of a man every day.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Julius: You know, I was thinking, it might be a good idea if you get a job and start paying a bill every month.

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