Ms. Morello: Chris, come on! You might be Black, but you're not fireproof. Leave that bag there.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: big ones, like losing your job; and little ones, like trying to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hiding it in the bathroom.
[fantasy:]
Julius: Who's hiding $27 worth of weed in the toilet?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about hiding it in my room.
Tonya: Mama! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even thought about hiding it in the kitchen.
Rochelle: Who hid weed in my cereal?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now I had two problems. The guy's weed was in a lasagna. And I had a lasagna full of weed.
Ms. Morello: Ooh, that looks delicious! I would've thought you would fry up some chicken, but this is a real surprise.

Chris: What's this?
Greg: It's a kitchen container. It's airtight. That way it keeps all the freshness in, but it keeps the smells from getting out. Hey, by the way. I got an idea. Maybe we should just smoke it. You know, get rid of all the evidence.
[title: "Hi, this is Chris Rock. I'd like to take this moment to say this television network does not condone the use of marijuana or any illegal substance. Even if it's funny. So please don't sue me. Now back to the show!"]
Chris: Are you high? I'm trying to hide the evidence, not be the evidence. What about T.J.?
Greg: Look, every moment you have that weed in your possession, you increase the statistical chances of getting caught. You could go to jail. If we smoke it, it's gone.
Chris: I'm gonna not do that, all right? I'm gonna take my chances not being high.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Somewhere, Bobby Brown said, "This show is ridiculous," and changed the channel.

Rochelle: How do you know what weed smells like?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Scratch 'n sniff Rick James sticker?
Tonya: I think I might have smelled it at the record store.
Julius: What record store?
Tonya: The Jamaican record store. I went there to get the new Lisa Lisa album.
[flashback to Tonya coughing as she emerges from a smoke-filled record store:]
Store Owner: Ya, mon, check back next week!
[present:]
Julius: How many times do I have to tell you kids, the Jamaicans do not sell records?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I hid the weed, I couldn't hide the smell.
Rochelle: [sniffs] What is that?
Julius: What is what?
Rochelle: That smell.
Chris: I don't smell anything. Maybe it's the greens.
Drew: If you can't smell anything, how do you know it's the greens?
Julius: [sniffs] That's not greens.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, it's greens, all right.
Rochelle: It smells like it's coming from under the table.
Tonya: It smells like weed.
[fantasy: As Chris imagines Rochelle, Julius, Drew and Tonya turning to look at him, a bead of sweat runs down his forehead]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was gonna be the lasagna that bakes you back.

Julius: Have you heard of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam?
Risky: Oh, that's it. Ooh, that song is hotter than grits on Al Green, baby.
Julius: Look, I need that album for Tonya. She wanted to hear it at a listening party, but I wouldn't let her go. I can't let her be the only girl on the block that hasn't heard it.
Risky: Oh, man, you're in luck. Shoot, this came out yesterday in limited release.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He released it from the back of a truck.
Risky: And the only people that have listened to it are listening parties and me. And you're lucky. I love $12 more than I love Lisa Lisa.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad was wondering if he could just have one Lisa for half the price.

Peaches: Better than you?
Rochelle: Yeah.
Peaches: I'm a felon. I have a parole officer. I can't vote. I have a tattoo on my back made with a safety pin. And it says "Larry." And it's misspelled, L-A-R-Y-R. And Larry did it.
Rochelle: Oh.
Peaches: Rochelle, I'm not better than you, I want to be just like you. How many times I gotta tell you that? The only thing I got going for me is these computers. And last week, I was this close to stealing each and every one of them. Every day is a struggle, Rochelle, every day. But I keep going and I keep going, because someday I hope I can be half as good as you are.
Rochelle: You are.
Peaches: I am what?
Rochelle: Half as good as me.
Peaches: Thank you.

Julius: Tonya, come here. Tonya, I know you're growing up, and you can't be my little girl forever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So throw her out the house.
Julius: But you've got junior high and high school in front of you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And a foot coming up fast behind you.
Julius: That's the time when most kids make bad decisions. I'm here to help you make good ones.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By choking some sense into you.
Julius: You understand?
Tonya: I understand, Daddy. [Julius takes out the cassette] For me?!
Julius: Yup.
Tonya: Thank you!
Julius: [takes the tape back] You did something I didn't like, now I'm doing something you don't like.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12.