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‘Everybody Hates Lasagna’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Lasagna

416. Everybody Hates Lasagna

Aired March 13, 2009

Chris reluctantly holds a bag of marijuana for a guy who ran from the police. Meanwhile, Rochelle doesn't want to learn how to use a computer, and Tonya defies her father to go to an album listening party.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, come on! You might be Black, but you're not fireproof. Leave that bag there.

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: big ones, like losing your job; and little ones, like trying to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hiding it in the bathroom.
[fantasy:]
Julius: Who's hiding $27 worth of weed in the toilet?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about hiding it in my room.
Tonya: Mama! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even thought about hiding it in the kitchen.
Rochelle: Who hid weed in my cereal?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now I had two problems. The guy's weed was in a lasagna. And I had a lasagna full of weed.
Ms. Morello: Ooh, that looks delicious! I would've thought you would fry up some chicken, but this is a real surprise.

Quote from Greg

Chris: What's this?
Greg: It's a kitchen container. It's airtight. That way it keeps all the freshness in, but it keeps the smells from getting out. Hey, by the way. I got an idea. Maybe we should just smoke it. You know, get rid of all the evidence.
[title: "Hi, this is Chris Rock. I'd like to take this moment to say this television network does not condone the use of marijuana or any illegal substance. Even if it's funny. So please don't sue me. Now back to the show!"]
Chris: Are you high? I'm trying to hide the evidence, not be the evidence. What about T.J.?
Greg: Look, every moment you have that weed in your possession, you increase the statistical chances of getting caught. You could go to jail. If we smoke it, it's gone.
Chris: I'm gonna not do that, all right? I'm gonna take my chances not being high.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Somewhere, Bobby Brown said, "This show is ridiculous," and changed the channel.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: How do you know what weed smells like?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Scratch 'n sniff Rick James sticker?
Tonya: I think I might have smelled it at the record store.
Julius: What record store?
Tonya: The Jamaican record store. I went there to get the new Lisa Lisa album.
[flashback to Tonya coughing as she emerges from a smoke-filled record store:]
Store Owner: Ya, mon, check back next week!
[present:]
Julius: How many times do I have to tell you kids, the Jamaicans do not sell records?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I hid the weed, I couldn't hide the smell.
Rochelle: [sniffs] What is that?
Julius: What is what?
Rochelle: That smell.
Chris: I don't smell anything. Maybe it's the greens.
Drew: If you can't smell anything, how do you know it's the greens?
Julius: [sniffs] That's not greens.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, it's greens, all right.
Rochelle: It smells like it's coming from under the table.
Tonya: It smells like weed.
[fantasy: As Chris imagines Rochelle, Julius, Drew and Tonya turning to look at him, a bead of sweat runs down his forehead]

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was gonna be the lasagna that bakes you back.

Quote from Risky

Julius: Have you heard of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam?
Risky: Oh, that's it. Ooh, that song is hotter than grits on Al Green, baby.
Julius: Look, I need that album for Tonya. She wanted to hear it at a listening party, but I wouldn't let her go. I can't let her be the only girl on the block that hasn't heard it.
Risky: Oh, man, you're in luck. Shoot, this came out yesterday in limited release.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He released it from the back of a truck.
Risky: And the only people that have listened to it are listening parties and me. And you're lucky. I love $12 more than I love Lisa Lisa.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad was wondering if he could just have one Lisa for half the price.

Quote from Rochelle

Peaches: Better than you?
Rochelle: Yeah.
Peaches: I'm a felon. I have a parole officer. I can't vote. I have a tattoo on my back made with a safety pin. And it says "Larry." And it's misspelled, L-A-R-Y-R. And Larry did it.
Rochelle: Oh.
Peaches: Rochelle, I'm not better than you, I want to be just like you. How many times I gotta tell you that? The only thing I got going for me is these computers. And last week, I was this close to stealing each and every one of them. Every day is a struggle, Rochelle, every day. But I keep going and I keep going, because someday I hope I can be half as good as you are.
Rochelle: You are.
Peaches: I am what?
Rochelle: Half as good as me.
Peaches: Thank you.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Tonya, come here. Tonya, I know you're growing up, and you can't be my little girl forever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So throw her out the house.
Julius: But you've got junior high and high school in front of you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And a foot coming up fast behind you.
Julius: That's the time when most kids make bad decisions. I'm here to help you make good ones.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By choking some sense into you.
Julius: You understand?
Tonya: I understand, Daddy. [Julius takes out the cassette] For me?!
Julius: Yup.
Tonya: Thank you!
Julius: [takes the tape back] You did something I didn't like, now I'm doing something you don't like.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before Cops was a show on TV, I saw cops chasing criminals every day on the streets in Bed-Stuy. Some of the criminals were fast. Some of them were fast, then slow. And no matter what you saw, the most important thing was to not get involved.
T.J.: Hold this.
Chris: What is it?
T.J.: What you think it is? And you better have it when I get back!
Police Officer: Hey, where's the weed, T.J.?
T.J.: I ain't got no weed, man!
Police Officer: Yeah, right. Where's the weed, T.J.?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had never actually seen real marijuana. But after having a bag of it shoved into my hands, I knew one thing: If that's what happened to the guy who didn't have the weed, I didn't want to know what would happen to the guy who did have it.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: What were you doing over there anyway?
Tonya: Andrea is having a listening party for the new Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam album. And I wanted the album so I would know the songs. But it's not out yet.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was such a big fan of Lisa Lisa, for a while we had to call her Tonya Tonya.
Rochelle: Party? When?
Tonya: Wednesday after school. Can I go?
Julius: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father hardly ever said no to Tonya, so we were more shocked than she was.
Tonya: What?
Julius: What?
Rochelle: Tonya, change your tone.
Tonya: How come I can't go? It's just Andrea's.
Julius: I can't sleep if I know you're not home. I said no. That's it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "We'll see about that."

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I had Jamaican Gold in my shoe and Italian Greg on my case.
Greg: Are you crazy bringing that here?
Chris: I couldn't leave it at home.
Greg: Well, you're gonna be leaving everything at home when you end up in jail. Why didn't you just throw it away?
Chris: Because he knows who I am, and knows where I work. Plus, he said that when he comes back, I better have it.
Greg: What difference does it make what he says? He's going to jail.
Chris: And when he gets out, this weed's gonna be right there at Doc's waiting for him. I don't care if it takes 20 years.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It might be legal by then.
Greg: Well, you can't keep it in that sock. You smell like the ocean.
Chris: I have no where else to put it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Some drug mules would beg to differ.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: I got you a computer.
Rochelle: A computer? For what?
Vanessa: To keep the salon organized. It holds customer information, appointments, calculate our accounts receivable and payable. It does just about everything but hair.
Rochelle: Oh, I don't need a computer. Girl, I'm a walking computer.
Vanessa: But I'm not. Girl, I don't even know what's going on in my own salon anymore.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like my father.
Vanessa: Try it! You'll like it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That sounds like my father, too.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was holding weed, my mother was about to hold a grudge.
Rochelle: Hey, Peaches.
Peaches: Hi!
Rochelle: Whatcha you doing here?
Peaches: Vanessa said that she would give me a discount on my next touch-up if I showed you all your way around the computer.
Vanessa: Rochelle, this girl, she knows what she is doing. Most people, they get out of prison, they end up back in jail. This girl is gonna end up running a company.
Rochelle: Well, it can't be too hard if you learned it in prison.
Peaches: You know, a lot of people think when you're in prison, all you learn is how to be a better criminal. But if you stay positive and motivated, you can learn anything in there. You could become a lawyer. You could get in shape. I'm telling you, my prison was better than school.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] How would she know? She's never been to school.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Well, that's okay. I could do it.
Peaches: Oh. Ooh.
Rochelle: You know, uh, I like to get a feel for things myself. I'm more of a a hands-on type.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's more the hands-on-your-neck type.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While the weed was burning a hole in my gym bag, I was hoping not to burn my lasagna.
Mrs. Williams: Remember: this dish will count as 50% towards your final grade.
Angel: How's your lasagna, Chris?
Chris: Great. I'm just putting the finishing touches on the sauce. How's your angel food cake?
Angel: It's gonna be just like me... [licks the spoon] sweet and light and everybody'll want a piece.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If everyone is George Michael.
Chris: Whatever you say. [dog barks]
Angel: Ay bendito, hold me!
Chris: Angel, please let me go.
Angel: I'm sorry. I'm scared.
Chris: So am I. Please let me go.

Quote from Chris

Chris: What's going on?
Angel: Oh, looks like a random drug raid.
Chris: Drug raid?
Angel: There's a lot of people getting high in school these days.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's why they call it high school.
Chris: But they didn't announce they were gonna do this.
Angel: That's why it's called a raid, papi.

Quote from Adult Chris

Mrs. Williams: Class, this is K-9 Officer Kilo. Now, there's no reason to be afraid. He doesn't bite unless he's ordered to.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's better behaved than Naomi Campbell.
Police Officer: We're just here to do a walk-through. Just keep your places. We'll be done in a sec. [kids run]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They either had weed or John Mayer was playing outside.

Quote from Adult Chris

Mrs. Williams: Leave your dishes at your stations. I'm gonna wrap and label this and keep them in the freezer for Friday.
Chris: Friday? What's Friday?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a movie about weed with Ice Cube and Chris Tucker.
Ms. Morello: The faculty will be judging your dishes this year. And you're representing your class.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that's my ass.

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