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‘Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance

320. Everybody Hates the Ninth-Grade Dance

Aired May 4, 2008

Chris doesn't know how he will find a date for the ninth grade dance as everyone in his neighborhood said no and he can't imagine asking anyone at school. Meanwhile, Rochelle is delighted when Tonya asks to do ballet, and Julius's brother Ryan (Tony Rock) arrives with anohter business idea.

Quote from Tonya

Ballet Teacher: Okay, ladies, that's good for today. And Tonya, great job. You'll make a wonderful ballerina.
Tonya: Thank you.
Rochelle: See, honey? I told you you would be great.
Tonya: Yeah, but you also threatened to slap the arch out of my foot if I wasted Daddy's money.
Rochelle: [chuckles] Don't say that too loud.

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Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While we were talking about people, people were talking about us.
Jennifer: [scoffs] Why would she go with him? He's so dirty.
Sydney: I think he's blackmailing her, and he's so ignorant.
Lisa: Anybody would be better than him. He's so... sneaky.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the nice way of putting it. What they really meant was...
Jennifer: [scoffs] What is she thinking? He's so Black.
Sydney: Has she lost her mind? He's Black.
Lisa: Did somebody hit her in the head with a baseball bat, poke her eyes out and shoot her up with drugs? Doesn't she know he's Black?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Talk about me going to the dance with Carrie spread like wildfire, and the fire looked something like this.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought I had made my mind up about the dance, but at home, it was a split decision.
Rochelle: So, you don't want to go to your dance?
Julius: I don't blame him for not going. He's the only Black kid in an all-White school. Believe me: I know what that's like.
Drew: You went to an all-White school?
Julius: I went to an all-White world. Everything's all White: schools, the grocery stores, the laundromats.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The NBA.

Quote from Ryan

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.
[flashback:]
Ryan: Fried bread crust.
Drew: Fried bread crust?
Ryan: Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is for people who like bypass surgery.
Julius: Mmm! How much you need?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And a couple of good ideas.
[flashback:]
Ryan: They got 31 flavors of ice cream. I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You got to get in on this.
Julius: Well, what flavor is this?
Ryan: This is milk chocolate.
Drew: Milk chocolate chocolate milk?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Official drink of diabetes.
Julius: Man! How much you need?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unfortunately, the lactose intolerance epidemic killed that one.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought getting a date to the dance would be the hard part, but having a date made things even worse.
Greg: Dude, I've heard what people have been saying. This is ridiculous. They're treating you like...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like I'm going out with a White girl?
Joey Caruso: Hey, Pete, Linc. Where's Julie?
Chris: Funny.
Joey Caruso: I know. Me and some of the kids chipped in and got you something.
Chris: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Better than Mandingo.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Deciding to go to the dance was easy. Getting somebody to go with me was a lot harder.
Chris: Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?
Doc: You just did. [laughs] I'm just playing with you, Chris. Now, what it is?
Chris: I have to ask a girl out to the dance. I was wondering if you could give me some tips.
Doc: Asking is easy. Not getting turned down, that's the hard part.
Chris: How do you not get turned down?
Doc: The girl has to say yes.
Chris: What makes them say yes?
Doc: You never know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, you do: money, fame, cars, jobs and diamonds.
Doc: But look, look, you got to take your chances. If she says no, ask somebody else. That's how I ended up with my first wife.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how he ended up divorced.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wouldn't get a date that easy again until... Actually, I never got a date that easy again.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Turns out I wasn't the only one having second thoughts about dancing.
Rochelle: Aren't you excited?
Tonya: I guess. Kind of nervous.
Rochelle: Baby, this is what we've been dreaming of. Don't be nervous. See, once you learn the moves, then you're gonna have a recital, and then you're gonna be recruited by the Dance Theater of Harlem or the New York City Ballet. And then you're gonna move to Russia and change your name to Svetlana.
Tonya: Ma, I don't want to move to Russia. Can we go home?
Rochelle: Oh, okay, I guess. I'll just tell your dad that we spent all his hard-earned money for nothing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She pulled the same trick when Tonya didn't want to finish college.

Quote from Julius

Chris: But I thought you didn't want me to go.
Julius: Well, those were for my reasons. You need your own. And right now, you don't have one.
Chris: Well, I kind of wanted to go with a date.
Julius: You can go on a date anytime.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where's a laugh track when you need it?
Julius: But this is your ninth grade dance. It's still the dance, whether you have a date or not. You went to see Rocky III by yourself. It was still Rocky III.
Chris: Dad? Thanks.
Julius: For what?
Chris: For not going on for two hours about how things are still the same even if you do it by yourself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He came back two hours later and did it anyway.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Look, man, I want to go, but if you haven't noticed, I'm Black. Who's gonna want to go with me?
Joey Caruso: Maybe Bubbles the chimp has a sister.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unfortunately, she said no.

Quote from Julius

Tonya: So, did you go to your school dance?
Julius: Yeah, I took this girl.
Rochelle: What was her name again?
Julius: Her name was "I haven't spoken to her in 25 years."
Chris: Well, how was the dance?
Julius: It wasn't good. I hated the music. The food was strange. And, oh, yeah, I was the only Black guy.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, you know, it all worked out in the end. I mean, if you would have had a good time with whatever her name is, you might not have met me.
Julius: You had a good time at your dance, and you still met me.
Rochelle: Sure did.
Julius: How come I couldn't have a good time?
Rochelle: I'm not saying that you couldn't have a good time.
Julius: You just said...
Rochelle: I did not. I'm just saying it's funny how you don't remember her name after all these years.
Julius: That's exactly what you're saying. It's... Nothing funny about that.
Rochelle: Everybody remembers the name of the date they took to the prom.
Julius: Why do I have to remember her name? It was 25 years ago.
Rochelle: I was just having a loving moment.
Julius: What does that mean?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, they are arguing about a 25-year-old dance where they didn't even know each other.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mama?
Rochelle: Yes, baby?
Tonya: Can I take ballet?
Rochelle: Ballet? Oh, baby. [laughs] Oh. I've been waiting for this day.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother always wished she had more talent. She dreamt of being in a band.
[fantasy: Rochelle is the lead singer of a band performing "Word Up!" by Cameo]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And since she couldn't do it, Tonya was the next best thing.
Rochelle: Oh, oh, hey, let's see, let's see. Oh, we got to get you some slippers and some tights and leotards, and you got to have leg warmers and-and wristbands, and we got to get you some lessons. And a stretching bar and a wall full of mirrors...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A Russian partner and a platinum card.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For me, the dance was over, but Greg was getting the party started.
Greg: Dude, I know who you can ask to go to the dance with you.
Chris: Who is she?
Greg: Her name's Carrie. She's kind of quiet. She slips under the radar.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like Al Qaeda.

Quote from Monk

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The kids at school didn't want me to go to the dance with Carrie, but I knew everyone at the barbershop would support me.
Manny: No, no! No! You're going to the dance with a White girl?
Risky: Now, what's the big deal? He's going to the school dance, and it's with somebody from the school.
Chris: Thank you. Hey, Monk, you ever dated a White girl?
Monk: Nope. But I took a Vietnamese girl to my prom.
Manny: Vietnamese?
James: North or South?
Monk: South.
All: Ooh.
Monk: Well, anyhow, she spent the whole night hiding under the deejay booth.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was hiding from him.

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