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‘Everybody Hates Keisha’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Keisha

102. Everybody Hates Keisha

Aired September 29, 2005

Chris has a crush on his next door neighbor, Keisha, who is tutoring Drew in math. Meanwhile, Julius feels guilty about an accidental encounter with Keisha's mother, Sheila.

Quote from Adult Chris

Tonya: Ooh, I'm telling.
Drew: Shut up, Tonya.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Usually, when Tonya said she was telling, that meant I was getting in trouble. But I didn't care. All I wanted to do was slap the black off of Drew.
[fantasy: Drew's face has a patchy complexion as he is carried into an ambulance on a stretcher:]
Detective: What happened?
Police Officer: Looks like the older brother came home, found the little brother kissing his woman and slapped the black off him.
Detective: [holding an evidence back] Is this the black?
Police Officer: All we could find.
Detective: So much for brotherly love.

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Quote from Rochelle

Sheila: Rochelle, I love your place. How you keep it so clean with three kids?
Rochelle: Oh, no, my children know how to act. They know, once they walk through that front door, I don't tolerate no foolishness.
Sheila: Uh-uh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's Sheila, Keisha's mother. My mother didn't make a lot of friends, because she's, what I like to call, a ghetto snob.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Look at that woman out here with rollers in her hair.
Tonya: Mama, you have rollers on.
Rochelle: Yeah, but I'm wearing a scarf. No class.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Sit down, Julius. I know you're not blind, Julius. She's pretty. And if you think I look like her, then I'm okay with that.
Julius: Really?
Rochelle: No! If that happens again, somebody getting stabbed!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's my mother's version of being understanding.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Ah, man! Keisha? Right in your living room?
Chris: Yeah. And she said, "Hi, Chris."
Greg: Ah, man! You are so in there.
Chris: You think so?
Greg: Yeah. I mean, she didn't just say "Hi." She initiated the "Hi."
Chris: Whoa. I never thought of it like that.
Greg: Man, you got to get a condom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It'd be two years before I knew what a condom was and eight years before I got to use one.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Chris, you go to a good school. What you learning to do, ride the bus?
Chris: Don't yell at me. He got the "D".
Rochelle: Watch your mouth, boy. Look, we're just going to have to get him a tutor.
Julius: Tutors are expensive. Y'all just going to have to work harder. We can barely afford kids. We can't afford stupid kids.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I walked in on Drew kissing Keisha.
Greg: Wow. You must feel terrible. I mean, if I were you, I wouldn't even be able to stand right now. I mean, seriously, I'd be on the ground crying. Man, Drew kissing Keisha after all you went through to impress her, I'm surprised you aren't on the top of Brooklyn Bridge with a rock tied around your neck...
Chris: Shut up. It's bad enough I had a girl taken by my little brother. I don't need your suggestions on how to end it all. You want to make me feel better? Tell me about the time when you got crushed.
Greg: Knowing a guy whose little brother made out is the furthest I've ever got with a girl.

Quote from Greg

Greg: What's with the outfit?
Chris: Oh, Keisha's coming over to tutor Drew today and I want to look good.
Greg: So, uh, what's the plan? I mean, you've got to have a plan.
Chris: Well, I guess, when I get home, I'll check in just to make sure everything's cool. And then, when Drew's finished, he'll be outside and then Tonya will be watching the TV. That'll leave the two of us... alone. And then, you know...
Greg: No, I don't. I mean, you going to ask her to be your girlfriend?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't know a lot of girls who had boyfriends. Babies, yes, but not boyfriends.
Chris: I don't know. Maybe.
Greg: Hey, you think it'd be weird if I, you know, went home with you, hid in your closet and watched the whole thing?
Chris: Yeah.
Greg: Thought so.

Quote from Drew

Chris: What's wrong with you?
Drew: What?
Chris: You knew I like Keisha. Now you're up here kissing her?
Drew: I... I didn't even know you liked her. And besides, I wasn't kissing her. She was kissing me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He used that same excuse with a woman's husband ten years later and it worked.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] There she was: Keisha, the girl of my dreams. I used to dream about a girl named Didi, but then I moved. And it seemed like I could never get her off my mind.
Keisha: Chris. Chris. Wake up.
Rochelle: Chris. Wake up!
[Chris screams as he wakes up to Rochelle's face. After Rochelle screams, Drew wakes up screaming. Julius runs in with a baseball bat.]
Julius: What's going on?
Rochelle: Scared the death out of me!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Do you know that Drew got a "C" on his math quiz? That boy knows he could do better than that.
Sheila: Well, Keisha's great at math. She can help him if he needs it.
Rochelle: Oh, thanks, but Chris could do it. You know, he's going to a good school now.
Sheila: Oh. Well, I like your coffee. Is it instant?
Rochelle: Uh-uh. No, child. It's freeze-dried.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like I said, ghetto snob.
Rochelle: I don't hear no math!

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Hey, Greg.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If only Keisha liked me this much.
Chris: Why you all up on me?
Greg: Look, Raymond told Caruso he couldn't get near you. So, can I stick to you close for a while?
Chris: Yeah, but can a brother get some space?
Greg: Oh, yeah. All right.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After I helped Drew with his math, his score changed by a whole grade.
Rochelle: A "D"? Chris, he got a "C" before. I thought I told you to help him.
Chris: I did.
[flashback:]
Chris: So, you move the decimal point over two places.
Drew: [holding two differently-laced sneakers] Hey, which one you like better? The spider web or the step ladder?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Julius, if Drew's grades keep dropping, he's going to get kicked out of school. And then, he's going to get hooked on crack. And then, the next thing you know, we'll be walking in here without a stick of furniture. Now, do you want to pay for a tutor or do you want to pay for new furniture?
Julius: How much is it going to cost?
Rochelle: Not a lot. I'll get Keisha. [Chris gives a panicked look to camera]
Julius: Who's Keisha?
Rochelle: You know Sheila. [Julius gives a panicked look to camera] It's her daughter.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Couldn't risk being funky. I'm the reason for the hole in the ozone layer.

Quote from Julius

Sheila: Hey, Julius.
Julius: Uh, Rochelle's not here.
Sheila: No. Keisha left her jacket here. You mind if I come in and look?
Julius: Nah, I'll get it. [closes door]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sheila made my dad nervous. Since there weren't a lot of men around, women on the block were always coming around when my mother wasn't home.
[montage:]
Woman #1: Did I leave my house keys?
Woman #2: Did I leave my frying pan?
Woman #3: Did I leave my sweater here?
Julius: You have never been here!
Woman #3: Can't blame a sister for trying.
Julius: Try this. [closes door]

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