Tag: Hey! Anybody notice I grew antlers? I thought they'd be great for the family skit this year. [to Mike] Got some for you, too.
Sue: Dad, you're finally doing the skit with us?
Pat: Oh, don't worry, Sue. We're gonna get him this year.
Tag: Yeah, we've got 12 whole days to work on ya. [playfully punches Mike]
Mike: Oh, hey. Who's countin'?

Frankie: [v.o.] For seven days, Mike put up with my dad. But on the eighth day, he hid.
Tag: There you are!
Mike: Yeah! Just checking out the hot water heater. It's been acting funny.
Tag: Maybe I can help you out. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I met the weatherman, Storm McMartin? I mean, he was just walking along the street like nothing...
Mike: Oh! Hey, look at... Here it is. Yep. That's the problem. Better go to the hardware store, get another one of these. I'd ask you along, but...
Tag: Sure, I'll keep you company.

Tag: Look at this. All poison. I can't eat any of it.
Pat: Eat it, don't eat it. Nobody cares.
Mike: Hey, you two lovebirds don't mind if I squeeze in here, do you?

Tag: It was a moonless night. I was stationed in Korea. And my boot came untied-
Pat: Everyone's heard the story, Tag. You tell it every Thanksgiving.
Tag: The Marines haven't heard it.
Pat: Yes, they have. You've told that story so many times, it's gone all the way around the world, and even they have heard it.

Mike: [answers phone] Hello?
Tag: Mike, it's Tag.
Mike: Oh, I'll get Frankie.
Tag: No, no, no, I wanna talk to you. Okay, here's the deal. I need you to meet me at Stuckey's in two hours.
Now don't tell Frankie. Can't talk anymore. Pat's comin'.

Tag: Did I tell you they moved our garbage day? I mean, for years, it's been on Thursday. Now they just up and move it to Friday? [laughs] Who puts their trash out on Friday? [horn blares]
Mike: Okay, you just cut off a school bus.

Tag: Hey! Less chatty-chatty over there and more worky-worky. You got to move that table there in case he's in a wheelchair. I mean, heaven knows what kind of shape he's in. He's older than me.

Frankie: So, how are you, Uncle Dutch? How are things in Vegas? Got to be more exciting than Orson.
Dutch: Well, I'm keeping myself busy. Business has been pretty good, though. I probably work too hard, but it keeps me young.
Tag: Sure don't keep him humble.
Mike: So, what exactly you do out there, Dutch?
Dutch: I'm in the vac business.
Brick: Oh, just like grandpa Tag.
Dutch: Well, actually, I was in the vac biz. Now I've got a little carpet-cleaning company.
Frankie: Oh, it's not little. It's huge. Dutch's Speedy Clean. They call him the king of carpets. He's even in the commercials.
Sue: Wait. You're actually on TV? Do you know David Tutera?
Axl: Oh, my God. Sue, they don't care about that. Have you met the Godaddy Girl from the Super Bowl commercials?

Dutch: [chuckling] Oh, no. Just a little local commercial. I sing a jingle, you know? Nothing glamorous.
Sue: You sing a jingle?! I love jingles! Can you sing it for us right now?
Dutch: [chuckling] You don't want to hear this old guy sing. Can I borrow your cane? Thank you, Mike. [laughs] And it goes something like this. [sings] To keep your carpets spick-and-span Call Dutch, the magic carpet man [talks] And then I do a little bit of a dance thing. And wherever my feet were, the carpet cleans.
[sings] Well, you think I can't, well, yes, I can I'm Dutch, the magic carpet man Bah dum dum [laughter]
Tag: You know what time the Wheel comes on?
Dutch: You know, the real talent in this family is this guy right here. When we were in high school, we did a little number. We used to do it on the local talent contest. I'm darned if we didn't win every time. We were even asked to be on the Cletus Wilson radio show. Hey! Let's show 'em what we got. [Tag groans]
Frankie: Dad!

Dutch: Oh, my God. You know, but I think my favorite story is, we were cleaning the carpets at Caesars Palace. I met Don Rickles.
All: No!
Tag: [mockingly to Mike] No.
Mike: Did he say "Don Rickles"? Maybe we should go in there.
Tag: You don't want to go in there. It's boring.
Dutch: [laughter] So, anyway... I go back in to pick up the steam cleaner. Rickles thinks I'm the waiter. So I didn't want to correct Don Rickles, so I said, "May I take your order, sir?" And he says...
Tag: Oh, you can take my order. I'll have a large plate of "shut your trap." [laughter]
Mike: Wait! What did Rickles say?!
Tag: Who cares? Listen to him going on there. "Blah, blah, blah." You have no idea what it's like, Mike.
Mike: Oh, I got some idea.