Tag: New wrinkle, Mike... Big government's making me take a road test, too. So you gotta practice with me behind the wheel.
Mike: With you behind the wheel?
Tag: Yeah. You know, grade me. Put my through my paces on the road. As I told my German masseuse at the Y, "Don't go easy on me." [laughs]

Mike: Why you stopping? The light's green.
Tag: I can't see colors too good anymore, but I figured it out. I stop at every light, count to five... [Mike sighs] And then go. 3... 2... 1. [tires screech]
Mike: What are you doin'? It's red now! [horns honking]
Man: Are you crazy?!

Tag: I used to get my hair cut around here someplace. [Mike sighs] Snippers. Ah, there it is over there. I... Oh, sorry. I didn't see you.
Mike: What do you mean, you didn't see me? [leans forward] Can you see me now?
Tag: Nope.
Mike: [leans forward] Now can you see me?
Tag: Negative. [Mike waves his hand] There ya are!
Mike: Tag, you have no peripheral vision.
Tag: No, I don't see out of the sides too good anymore. [Mike sighs] But I got a system for that, too. Here, watch me take a left. [honks horn] [tires screech, horns blare]
Mike: All right, that's it! Pull over.

Mike: All right, Tag. That's it. You're done.
Tag: Yeah, you're right. We should probably start fresh again tomorrow morning.
Mike: No, Tag, I mean, you're done done with driving.
Tag: What? No, no, I gotta have my license, Mike. I've been driving since I'm 14. I drove a transport supply truck in the war, for God's sake.
Mike: Yeah, and America thanks you. But if you really want to serve this country now, you'll stay off its roads.
Tag: Come on, Mike. This is my life we're talkin' about here. My freedom. How could I give that up?
Mike: Look, Tag, I know it's not easy to hear, but... You gotta trust me, this is the right decision. Tag, you asked me to help you out. I'm helpin' you out.
Tag: All right. [hands Mike his car keys] I got a podiatrist appointment on Tuesday, and Pat's got water aerobics. Wanna pick me up around 9:00?

Tag: We got to clear a whole path for him.
Brick: Hey, Dad. Grandpa's brother's coming over here.
Mike: Why?
Tag: I'll tell you why. 'Cause he's old and he thinks we're gonna die.
Mike: Okay. But why is he coming here? Frankie?
Frankie: W... look, my mom's out of town on her red hat society Riverboat Cruise, and Uncle Dutch is coming here 'cause...
Tag: He's coming here 'cause I don't want to be stuck in my house just me and him. My brother's not much of a talker. He's not a natural conversationalist, like me.
Mike: I like him already.

Tag: Geez, I'm sorry I'm not helping, but this damn arthritis in my hip.
Mike: No need to explain why you're not helping, Tag. You set the bar pretty low.
Tag: Hey! Rug on a rug. That's like a deathtrap. And move that ottoman there. He'll trip right over that thing.
Dutch: [enters] Hello, Heck family. [chuckles] Uh-oh. Rug on a rug... that's a deathtrap. [scoots around the rug]
Frankie: Uncle Dutch! [both laugh]
Tag: Here's your cane, Mike.

Frankie: And this is my husband, Mike.
Tag: Mike, don't forget your cane. He's got a pain in his hip. Tell him, Mike.
Mike: [sighs] Yeah. I do. But, uh, lately, it's been moving a little farther south. Nice to finally meet you, Dutch.
Dutch: Likewise, Mike. I'm sorry it couldn't have been a little sooner. There is the guy I want to see. Get over here, buddy.
Tag: Ahh, you get over here. [both laugh] Standing and hugging is for strangers. Plus, I don't want to show Mike up with my great hip.

Frankie: [v.o.] I thought about what Mike said, so I moved everyone into the family room and got down to some serious facilitating.
Frankie: Have some chips, Dad. You know, you could be a little more sociable. Your brother's come all the way from Nevada, and you've barely said two words.
Tag: So, they got you on heart pills?
Dutch: No.
Tag: Me neither.
Dutch: Tell you who's on heart pills. You remember the guy who lived down the street from us in that yellow house?
Tag: Guy with the haircut?
Dutch: Right. Ran into him in the airport a couple years ago... Can't think of his name.
Tag: Johnny.
Dutch: Johnny... right.
Tag: Yeah, his cousin was the one that broke my finger with a baseball bat.
Dutch: No, he broke my finger, but you took me to the clinic. Remember that nurse we met? She ended up marrying the guy who broke one of our fingers.
Tag: Harvey Burns.
Dutch: Right... Harvey Burns. No, it was his brother.
Tag: What about his brother?
Dutch: What were we talking about?
Axl: Heart pills.
Tag: Mm-hmm.
Dutch: Oh. Yeah. I don't take 'em.
Tag: Yeah, me neither.

Frankie: Oh... Oh, great! Oh, you're gonna do it! Okay, wait, hold on. Let me get my phone out so I can record it. Okay.
Tag: Here we go. [sings] Two of a kind
Dutch: Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry to stop, but you have to be on my left. Wrong side.
Tag: What's the difference? You're handsome on both sides. You're just trying to get in a better position, just like you did on the talent show.
Dutch: Oh, good God. What, do you keep a card catalog of everything I've ever done wrong? I'm terribly sorry to be arguing in your home.
Tag: Eh, don't try to suck up to Mike. Can't drive a wedge between us. The man worships me. We're thick as thieves.
Brick: Interesting fact, the phrase "thick as thieves" was coined in...
Axl: Not now, Brick.

Dutch: [sings and kicks legs] Like peas in a pod, birds of a feather
Tag: What in the hell are you doing? You're adding dance moves?
Dutch: You're just sitting there. I'm trying to add a little spice to it.
Tag: There you go again, trying to one-up me, just like you did in the vacuum business.
Dutch: Are you kidding me? You've been riding on my coattails my whole life.
Tag: 'Course I have! What's the good of having family if you can't sponge off of 'em?
Dutch: You know something, Tag? I came to visit you thinking maybe you'd mellowed with age, but you're worse. I mean, I'm like wine... I've improved with age. You're like... Cheese, a piece of stinky old cheese.
Tag: You're not making any sense.
Dutch: This whole conversation is like crackers on butter.
Brick: Yes!