Dutch: You know, I always say to myself, "Dutch, you got to..."
Tag: [to Mike] "Dutch." That's not even his real name. Guess what his real name is.
Mike: I don't wanna.
Tag: Then I won't tell you.
Mike: Fine.
Tag: Paul.

Frankie: So, Dutch, you seeing anybody special in Las Vegas?
Dutch: Well, you know, I was seeing this really nice gal that ran the, uh, fountains at the Bellagio.
Brick: Oh!
Dutch: Didn't work out.
Tag: [to Mike] Probably couldn't stand him. Probably left him, like his wife.
Mike: Didn't his wife die?
Tag: Yeah. That's how bad she wanted to leave him. A big leave.

Frankie: Aww! Look at you two, rehashing old times. Kind of makes everything fall away, huh? All the pain, the tears, the fighting.
Mike: Working it a little hard there, Frankie.
Frankie: You know what would make it even nicer? If you two did that song you were talking about, the one from the talent show.
Dutch: Yeah. Tag? I'm up for it, if you are.
Tag: Well, I'd love to, but... [sighs] I'm spent. I got up and took a jog this morning before everybody got up.
Dutch: Aww. Frankie, tell you what I'll do. Let me do both parts, just so they can hear it. It's real cute. [chuckles] Okay, how does it go? [sings] Two of a kind, for your information We're two of a kind [talks] And then Tag's here, he sings... [sings] Two of a kind, it's my observation...
Tag: Wait a minute. You're screwing everything up. I... Fine. I'll do it with you. [breathes heavily] Let's do it over here.

Dutch: All right. You want me to say it? You want me to tell these people what really happened? We didn't get on the Cletus Wilson show because just before we were going on the air, this genius tells Cletus he's much fatter than he thought he'd be. Next thing we know, the Lennon sisters are in our spot. You pissed him off, just like you piss everybody off.
Tag: Oh, is that right, Paul? Is that the way it happened, Paul?
Dutch: Don't call me Paul.
Tag: Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
Dutch: That's it. I'm leaving.
Tag: Oh, you're not leaving, 'cause Mike's leaving. Let's go, Mike.

Dutch: [plays ukulele and sings] Need we explain, when he warbles sweetly
Tag: [sings] I'm flat and completely behind
Both: Because we're Two-oo-oo-oo of a kind
Dutch: What's so wrong thinkin' life is a song Reachin' for a star?
Tag: That's right. And who's to say if we'll go the whole way? Hey, at least we got this far. Because we're...
Both: Two of a kind For your information We're two of a kind
Tag: That's right. Two of a kind It's my observation We're two of a kind
Dutch: Like peas in a pod
Tag: Or birds of a feather
Both: Alone or together, you'll find That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind
Tag: One more time!
Dutch: That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind [applause]

Frankie: Oh. See, Mike? That's why I hope. You two have no idea what this means to me. See, that's the way you should be with each other. Focus on the positive stuff, not all the crap like... Like who went to what wedding or who has the better business or that Uncle Dutch taught me how to ride a bike.
Tag: What? You taught my daughter how to ride a bike? Who in the hell teaches another man's daughter how to ride a bike?
Dutch: Could you be happy for just two minutes?
Tag: You're always trying to one-up me. I mean, I learn how to swim, remember? You become a lifeguard. I dated Betty Parker. You dated her better-looking sister.
Dutch: Here we go with the card catalog again. What is it with you? What, do you keep a diary or something?