Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike went to his next interview ready to play the game.
Doug: So, Mike, what is it about septic tanks that appeals to you?
Mike: Gosh, where do I begin? Uh... I think what you do is important for the community.
Doug: Well, there are a lot of important jobs out there, Mike. Why this one?
Mike: I just really like to work with my hands, you know? Just get in there and... Yeah.
Doug: Lot of jobs where you can work with your hands. Why here?
Mike: I just think of the reward of hosing out a tank and giving some lucky family a fresh new start. I mean, you can't ever really get to know somebody until you've gotten to know their waste.
Doug: But why septic waste?
Mike: Because the idea of putting on a rubber suit and goggles, and wading through human excrement sounds like the adventure of a lifetime. It's like being an astronaut here on planet Earth. I guess what I'm really saying is that septic waste is my passion.

Mike: Look, you wanted me to go to the funeral, and I'm going. You won, you got what you wanted, so be happy.
Frankie: But I don't want you to go because I want you to go. I want you to go because you wanna go.
Mike: Well, I don't.
Frankie: Well, you should. How would you feel if you died and someone came because someone made them? And what they really wanted was to be at a basketball game.
Mike: I'd feel dead. I wouldn't care. As a matter of fact, I'm going to specify in my will that if I die during any major sporting event, no one has to come to my funeral.
Frankie: Oh, I have a better idea. Why don't we take you to the nearest stadium and we'll shoot you out of the T-shirt cannon at halftime?

Mike: Come on. Get up.
Brick: Hey, we were here first.
Mike: You were? Because I don't remember seeing you in 1991 when I bought this house.

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! All right! That's it! That's it! We're shutting it down! Party's over! Here we go. You guys shouldn't be celebrating Valentine's Day anyway, because it's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies. You know what you should be doing? You should be studying. 'Cause guess what they're doing in China right now? They are doing math and they're learning how to be C.E.O.S of greeting card companies so they can sell us Americans a heart-shaped load of crap!
[cut to Mike returning home:]
Mike: Banned.

Mike: I gotta get up.
Frankie: Mike, you can't. The "fasten seat belt" sign is still on.
Mike: Frankie, you don't know what it's like to be jammed in that seat. Every seat is giant to you.
Frankie: Look, just close your eyes and go to sleep.
Mike: I can't sleep. What if something happens?
Frankie: So what if it does? You're not flying the plane. There's nothing you can do.
Mike: Oh, no. I have to be ready. What if there's an emergency? People look to tall people in emergencies. We're the lighthouses of society.

Sue: Okay, the three of us have been talking, and we're really not feeling very good about the way things have been going around here lately.
Brick: It seems like there's been a lot of strife and stress and unnecessary discord.
Axl: And that's why we wanted to sit you down and have a word with you, 'cause seriously... You guys are out of control.
Frankie: Wait.
Mike: What? "Sit us down"? You're sitting us down? Nobody sits me down.
Frankie: Okay, wait, wait. What's happening here?
Sue: I told you they'd freak out.
Brick: This doesn't need to be confrontational. Please, please... Sit back down.
Mike: Fine. I will sit down. Because my knee is bothering me, not 'cause they asked me to.

Mike: Come on, Frankie. You- You never get tired and don't feel like talking?
Frankie: No. My husband calls, I pick up the phone. What if it had been an emergency?
Mike: Was it an emergency?
Frankie: No. For your information, I was calling to tell you you were cute.
Mike: See, that's the problem with cell phones. It's created a world where people call you just... with whatever thought pops into their head. What I do is, I actually remember the interesting things that happen during the day, and then I share them when I get home. If you think about it, that's... much more thoughtful.

Frankie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Mike?! They're gone! They're gone! Every picture we've taken for the last seven years is gone!
Mike: What are you talking about? You have backups, don't you?
Frankie: No, they were on the computer, and now they're gone! Listen, I keep hearing about a cloud. Do we have a cloud?
Mike: Just the black one over our heads.

Brick: We're having an "I Can't" ceremony at school.
Frankie: Oh, no. Is that something we have to go to?
Brick: No, it's an in-school ritual to help kids build a positive attitude. [Mike scoffs] We're each supposed to write "I can't" on a piece of paper along with something we can't do and then bury it in a hole.
Mike: I can't believe they're doing this crap. You know who's not burying words? The Chinese.

Mike: I've said it before... nothing good ever happens when you leave the house.