Axl: Hey, Brick, what's this I got in the mail that you didn't? Oh! It's a voter guide, sent personally to me, Axl Redford Heck, signifying my readiness to take my rightful place among the adult, president-choosing citizens of our country.
Brick: Do you even know who you're voting for?
Axl: Not yet. I'll wait till I hear 'em all sing, and then I'll text in my choice.
Mike: Good idea. Your vote shouldn't count anyway.

Axl: Ugh! It's 10:00 and I still have 26 more pages! Mom, you gotta help me study. Here... It's the constitutional amendments. Just so you know, those are Roman numerals. Turns out they're not just for Super Bowls.

Brick: Where's my book, Axl? I know you took it.
Axl: Hey! Until I see some proof, I will not even address these malicious and spurious charges! Law & Order. Watch it.

Axl: Oh, my God. School Sue is even more annoying than home Sue. Would you just relax? We got two weeks. Come find me in 13 1/2 days.
Sue: Axl, you cannot wait till the night before!
Axl: Sure I can. That's what they want us to do.
Sue: What?
Axl: It's true, Sue. Teachers are lazy. They know it only takes a day to do a project, but if they gave us assignments every day, they'd have to grade 'em every day. They don't want it, we don't want it. It's an unspoken agreement. Who are you to mess with the American educational system? We're not number one in the world for nothing. Suck it, China! That's why they gotta make all our stuff for us.

Axl: There you are... finally!
Frankie: Axl, what's going on? Why aren't you at college?
Axl: I have the world's worst roommate. I'm not kidding. The guy is a total pig. He leaves his crap everywhere.
Frankie: Really?
Axl: And he farts constantly, even though he's like two feet from my head!
Sue: Really?
Axl: It's impossible rooming with the guy! He acts like I don't even exist.
Brick: Really?
Mike: Does he eat all your food?
Axl: Yes.

Axl: Okay. Here's the thing, Brick. I screwed up. I screwed up big time. And it's really, really bad. I mean, I thought I was doing okay, but three of my professors told me I had to drop their classes. And if I drop three classes, I'll only have one left and that's Music Appreciation which everyone calls "Clap for Credits," and I'm barely passing that.
Brick: That doesn't make any sense. Clapping is something you're actually good at.
Axl: I blame Mom and Dad. 'Cause I don't know if you know this, but I am completely unsupervised here. No one tells me to go to class. No one tells me to do my homework. No one warns me that wearing your shower shoes in the snow is not a good idea. Last week, I slept for two whole days. Nobody woke me up. I brush my hair with a fork! I always thought if Mom and Dad would just get off my back, I'd be fine. But I need them, Brick. I need them on my back. Don't tell them I said that.
Brick: Can I tell them we saw a girl in her bra?
Axl: Tell them nothing! I'm scared, Brick. I'm really, really scared. All my teachers told me it was impossible for me to pass at this point, but... if you help me study this weekend, I know I can bring my grades up. And I get this is all probably weird. 'Cause usually I'm a billion times more awesome than you, but right now... I really, really, really need your help.
Brick: [sighs] Okay. I'm gonna need a highlighter pen, Goldfish Crackers, and a 44-ounce Slushie - blue. Oh, and clear your schedule. It's gonna be a long night.

Reverend Deveaux: Whoa, whoa, whoa. W-we're just getting started. What this team needs now is one more big huddle, where we lay out some goals...
Axl: No! No way! Look, I don't know what you think is happening here, but I got to tell you, this is not a family in crisis or whatever. Like, at all. I mean, yeah, some of the time, we can't stand each other, and if my sister goes to my college, I will be forced to change my name and get a cheap Mexican face transplant, but we are tight. We hang with each other and we goof on each other and we crack each other up, and we're always there for each other. I-I think that's because we have parents who every day, a million times a day show us what being a family is really all about. I mean, they have our backs, and we have theirs. And isn't that the whole point? Just having each other's backs? I mean, right? That's... basically what Jesus is saying. I know it's not pretty to look at, but we get the job done. It's like a... like a crappy-looking football team that manages to win 10 games every season. We win ugly. It's just how we roll.
Reverend Deveaux: Wow! Well said, Axl. To have a-a young man back up his team like that gets me right here. I really feel that. You know, I don't, uh... throw this type of compliment around often, but you guys are such a tight-knit group... You remind me... of the '87 Browns. Best of luck, Heck family. Go get 'em.

Axl: Trust me. It's gonna be awesome. You start with the first book you ever read, then go all the way to the last book you've read. It's your whole life's journey in books. Then we knock them down like dominos, video it, you show it in class "Boom!"... they go nuts. Guaranteed A.
Brick: But that doesn't have anything to do with The Old Man And The Sea.
Axl: See? That's your problem, Brick. You are a rigid thinker. That's why I'm gonna end up ruling the world. All the big-time rich guys Steve Jobs... other guys they're all creative thinkers, risk-takers.
Brick: I don't know about this, Axl.
Axl: Wha-- look, that's fine. Go ahead. Dress like one of the characters in the book and do a lame presentation like a million other kids. What do you want, Brick? Do you want to go the safe route, or do you want to be an innovator, a trailblazer, a rule breaker?!
Brick: I do.
Axl: Then give me One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and let's change the world!

Frankie: Look, really, the death napkin doesn't matter anymore. Axl's 19. If anything happens to us, he'll take care of all of you.
Axl: I'm gonna be doing things very differently. First thing... you're both getting jobs right away. Sue's gonna have to learn how to cook, and you guys are gonna have to start picking up around the house.
Mike: Brick, tell your brother he's an idiot.
Brick: I don't want to say that to him. If he's gonna be in charge of me, I got to stay on his good side.
Axl: You're my favorite, Brick. I might even let you sleep inside.

Mike: I hope he's not gonna charge us to do the whole thing again. It's gonna put us in the poor house. Look at her. It's like a demolition derby going on in there. She's gonna have braces on for six more years. She'll have them on at her wedding.
Sue: What?!
Axl: Why are we still throwing money at this? Just move her to a bell tower in Paris and call it a day. [squirts whipped cream into his mouth]