Garrett: [over PA] Attention Cloud 9 shoppers. The spider infestation in produce has been 80% contained. So we will be focusing our attention on the bedbug infestation in the mattress section. Meanwhile, we are down to only one raccoon left in the store. Unfortunately, that raccoon has grown powerful beyond our wildest fears.

Garrett: $8 for a bar of soap just 'cause it's shaped weird and wrapped in twine?
Jonah: Well, it's artisanal. It's organic.
Garrett: [sniffs] [scoffs] Ugh. I don't need my soap to be organic. We have science now. Science has created chemicals that keep us clean.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, shoppers. Is there a doctor in the... Who am I kidding? This is Cloud 9. Anybody here watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy? Maybe Nurse Jackie? Not The Knick.

Garrett: [sighs] All right. Let me just finish this announcement.
Dina: Fine, but the second you're done, I want you on register three.
Garrett: The second I'm done. [over PA] You can also view thousands of movies on the Halo Fog. I will now list some of the movies that are probably on there. Mrs. Doubtfire, Silence of the Lambs, that one where Nicolas Cage switches faces and says he's gonna eat a peach for hours... Ooh, Forrest Gump. That's a good movie.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention shoppers. It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air, along with dust, pet dander, and toxic mold spores, so pick up a Supercloud air purifier and convince yourself it's making a difference, which it's not, 'cause it's just a fan.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers, today is Cloud 9's Wellness Fair, where we're offering vision tests, blood pressure screenings, and tips on living your best, healthiest life. Why go to a doctor when you can get medical advice from the same place you get dish soap?

Amy: She saw the match before I could get her phone.
Garrett: Oh, okay, we need to Freaky Friday this. You need to find a cursed object, switch bodies with Jonah, have a whirlwind romance with her, but then learn an important life lesson. Switch bodies back.
Amy: This was helpful. Thank you.
Garrett: You're welcome.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention shoppers, come buy your lottery ticket at customer service right now. There are some people who say the lottery is basically a tax on lower income, less educated people. But you know who doesn't say that? People who win the lottery. [chuckles] There you go, got to be in it to win it, girl.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers. It's really comin' down out there. Now, I'm not a licensed meteorologist, but I believe the technical term is snowy AF. For anyone stocking up, we are limiting all water purchases to one case per person, and that does include coconut water, watermelon water, cucumber water, aloe water, probiotic water, and electric water, which is something I just made up but you probably got all excited about. And if anybody lost a blue hair thingie, please come pick it up at customer service.
Cheyenne: [holding "Line Up Here" sign"] Oh, that's mine! [runs] [customers follow her]

Garrett: [over PA] Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, today we celebrate St. Valentine, a priest who was beaten, stoned, dragged through town, and decapitated. Some say the color red represents the pools of blood around his body. Cute teddy bears are 15% off.