Garrett: [over PA] Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, today we celebrate St. Valentine, a priest who was beaten, stoned, dragged through town, and decapitated. Some say the color red represents the pools of blood around his body. Cute teddy bears are 15% off.

Glenn: And that's pretty much it for this morning. [birds screeching] Except remember to be on the lookout for jilted lovers. We'd like to break the streak of revenge stabbings this Valentine's. Any questions?
Jonah: We can't hear anything you're saying.
Glenn: What?
Jonah: We can't hear anything you're saying!
Glenn: I'm sorry. I- I'm having a hard time hearing you over the birds.
Garrett: Maybe Dina shouldn't have brought her loud, dirty birds into work.
Dina: The birds are suffering severe separation anxiety. What am I supposed to do? Leave them home alone?
Amy: I mean, traditionally, that is what you do with pets. [clanging, screeching]
Sandra: If Dina can bring in her birds, I'd like to bring in my cat. He's very sick with dysentery.
Mateo: This is insane. It smells like Toucan Sam's butthole!
Jonah: Just because you eat something fruity, doesn't make your butt smell fruity.
Dina: For birds, it does. Small berries pass through them virtually undigested.
Glenn: Okay, good meeting, everyone!
All: What?

Sandra: Hey, Dina? So I don't know what you thought you saw me and Jerry doing during the blizzard.
Dina: Oh, I know what I saw. It was like Winnie the Pooh with his head in the honeypot.
Sandra: What had happened was I had spilled coffee on my pants, so I took them off to dry, and Jerry came over to help, but he tripped and tipped over into my crotch, so...
Dina: Stop, please. I'm not gonna tell anyone about your little affair.
Sandra: Okay, thank you. I hate having secrets, although the sneaking around has made it even sexier.
Dina: Nope, nope, nope. That's gross.
Sandra: He comes over every night, and sometimes we make lasagna together and eat it off each other's bodies.
Dina: Elias, I'm gonna need you to clean up the vomit that's gonna be all over the ladies' bathroom in about three minutes. [to Sandra] Go on.

Cheyenne: What do I do?
Mateo: Can't you just cover it up?
Cheyenne: Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just turn it into a top hat and then tattoo his mom's face underneath, and then that way it's like she's a magician, huh? How's that?
Mateo: [scoffs] You've never been sarcastic with me before. I don't care for it.

Amy: Ugh, I feel so bad for her. It's like with kids, you know? You can be the best parent, and then one day you forget to lock the cage, and they're gone. [off Jonah's look] I don't put my kids in cages.

Mateo: So you want Cheyenne to tattoo your mom's face on your back as a gift to your mom?
Marcus: Yeah, I was gonna go to a pro, but you cannot get an appointment at a tattoo parlor on Valentine's Day.
Cheyenne: Don't worry, my instructor says that I'm the best in the class. He was trained by the guy who did Steve-O's back.
Mateo: I'm sorry, I'm still not over this. You want a tattoo of your mom, for your mom, on Valentine's Day. Why?
Marcus: 'Cause I'm her special guy, and the tattoo will be a surprise for when she scratches my back while I fall asleep. Don't make this weird.
Mateo: Yeah, I made it weird.

Sandra: What are you laughing at?
Carol: Oh, I was just remembering the time you wanted everyone to think you had a boyfriend, so you kept sending yourself Valentine's gifts from Jeff.
Sandra: I didn't send this to myself.
Carol: [gasps] There's a card.
Sandra: No, wait. No, no.
Carol: "To my Sandy Bear, love Antonio Lasagna." That's a- such a distinctive, real-sounding name.
Justine: It's Italian, probably. It sounds Italian.
Carol: Mm-hmm.
Sandra: Yup.

Glenn: [recording] Now, this book is one that Nana Sturgis used to read to me when I was little. It's called You Can Do It. "Jimmy wants to be an astronaut and fly a rocket to space." "You can do it, Jimmy!" "Polly wants to be an astronaut's wife and keep the house tidy the way Jimmy likes it." "You can do it, Polly." Wow, I have not read this in a while. Um, what else we got? Midget Sam Goes To Darkest Africa, no. Get To Know The Orientals?

Jonah: Oh, come on. Don't go all cynical on me. This is a big day. This is our first Valentine's as... daters? Not really a good word for an adult relationship.
Amy: No, boyfriend/girlfriend makes us sound like we're in 8th grade.
Jonah: [chuckles] Lovers is gross.
Amy: Ugh. Partners?
Jonah: What are we, lesbians that own a candle shop together?
Amy: Fair point.
Jonah: My main squeeze?
Amy: Don't do that again.
Jonah: No?
Amy: No.
Jonah: You don't like that, main squeeze?
Amy: I don't like that, main squeeze.
Jonah: Give me a squeeze.

Justine: If any of you guys don't have plans, I'm going to an anti-Valentine's Day party tonight with some college kids. Should be a ton of ween and the flyer says no one shall be turned away.
Carol: I'll go. Jerry's working late again tonight, so I'm on my own.
Dina: Wow, again. It's funny that a sign spinner would keep those kinds of hours.
Carol: I know.
Dina: Sandra? Do you have any plans for tonight?
Sandra: Nope. Nuh-uh. Not seeing anyone, so I'm just gonna hang alone in the ol' apartmentito.
Carol: So sad.
Dina: Isn't it?