Amy: I can't believe this is what dating is now.
Garrett: Oh, you're not ready to jump back in?
Amy: No. And even if I were, I wouldn't be using an app. I'm still afraid of PayPal.

Amy: She saw the match before I could get her phone.
Garrett: Oh, okay, we need to Freaky Friday this. You need to find a cursed object, switch bodies with Jonah, have a whirlwind romance with her, but then learn an important life lesson. Switch bodies back.
Amy: This was helpful. Thank you.
Garrett: You're welcome.

Garrett: "Aw, sweet of you to say that." "Well, it's true." "You're very spicy."
Amy: "Special." It auto-corrected.
Garrett: "Sorry, I meant spicy."
Amy: It did it again.
Garrett: "Ha, you're spicy too." "Well, the things is, Kelly, my heart wants a relationship, but my body can't handle one. I'm very ill."
Amy: I don't know. I was just trying to make it seem final, and Emma and I are reading Fault in Our Stars so...
Garrett: "The doctors don't even have a name for it yet." "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry." "I don't really like to talk about it." "No one here knows." "I understand." "Sending you good energy." Ugh.
Amy: Okay. I know this is probably not the right next step, but... what if I tried to get her fired? Or him? Help me, who should I get fired?

Garrett: You know what it is? It's like eating a birthday candle, only in a good way.
Amy: Garrett, what do I do?
Garrett: I don't know, be honest. Tell her you stole Jonah's phone, and you were stalking her on it.
Amy: Okay, that's not gonna happen. I was thinking more like, I could sneak up like a ninja, take her phone, cancel the notification, and then slip it in without her noticing.
Garrett: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm. Or... I know this guy who works at the NSA. He kind of owes me a favor. I could call him up, have him hack into Kelly's phone, and melt her motherboard.
Amy: Yes, call the guy.
Garrett: I'm messing with you.
Amy: How is that helpful?
Garrett: I wasn't trying to be helpful.

Dina: [on the phone] [laughs] You crack me up. It must be so much fun working there. Okay, talk to you later. [hangs up] That was the coroner's office. A gas main blew in a Shoeland.
Jodi: Oh, God. Which Shoeland?
Dina: Who cares? They're all the same. The point is, they're not gonna be here for a while.
Glenn: Oh, come on. Really?
Jodi: Which Shoeland? My husband works at a Shoeland.
Dina: I don't know, Jodi. I didn't ask the man every little question in the world.
Glenn: How long are they gonna be...
Jodi: Which Shoeland?
Dina: Jodi, I can not with you right now. I didn't even hear Glenn's question. Glenn?
Glenn: How long are they gonna be?
Dina: I don't know. [walks away]

Kelly: Is this some kind of prank? Like, like, what? "Humiliate the new girl?"
Jonah: How could I humiliate you? I barely talk to you.
Amy: Hey, guys. Why don't we take a breath? You know what, Kelly, I feel like I cut your break short. Maybe you should go have another bowl of ramen, my treat.
Kelly: No, no, no, no. This guy's playing mind games with me all day.
Jonah: I would never do that. I'm an ally.
Kelly: Then explain all those texts!
Jonah: I never texted you.
Kelly: Stop lying! [grabs a knife]
All: Whoa!

Dina: Just for the record, I don't think we should be disturbing a crime scene.
Jonah: Yeah, I got to go with the cop on this one.
Glenn: I just want to cover it up until the coroner gets here. I mean, we're a family store. I know we don't specifically promise no dead bodies, but we shouldn't have to.

Amy: This one says "professional wanderer," AKA on her parents' phone plan. Next.
Garrett: I can't tell if I like or don't like candy corn.
Amy: Oh, my God. Is that Kelly?
Garrett: Oh, yeah, it is. Hey, girl. Go get it.
Amy: "Just a small-town girl livin' in a lonely world." Ugh, calm down. [cell phone dings] Oh, no. What? "Match?" I didn't... how... how did that happen?
Garrett: Well, you swiped right.
Amy: No, I didn't. I swiped left, like this.
Garrett: Oh, yeah, you got a little right to your swipe.

Jonah: Okay, Kelly, just...
Amy: Okay, Kelly. It was me. I did it. I took Jonah's phone, and I was messing around. And I accidently swiped right, and I just couldn't stop myself. And Garrett had something to do with it too.
Garrett: What?
Amy: I-I mean mostly it was me.
Jonah: Just put the knife down, okay? You're not going to hurt anyone.
Kelly: Stop telling me what to do! [stabs Jonah]
Garrett: Jonah!
Jonah: Aah!
Garrett: [bleep]
Jonah: Why... did you have to use... my phone? [groans]
Amy: Oh. I get it. [Jonah and Kelly take a bow] You... that... fake. So funny. [Kelly giggles] Got me.
Kelly: Ha-ha.
Garrett: Happy Halloween.

Construction Worker: We found him this morning. Looks like he used to work here. We were opening up the drywall, and Gary saw the arm. I was like, "What? No way, Gary. That's not a dead body." Then Gary showed it to me. Turns out, it was a dead body. Who are you? Beyoncé?
Amy: Selena.
Construction Worker: Who?
Amy: Selena. She was Beyoncé before Beyoncé.
Kelly: I thought you were J.Lo.
Amy: Mm, no.