Dr. Kelso: Excuse me, ex-nurse Turkleton. But if you want to hang out around here you're going to need a visitor's badge.
[song "Gonna Miss You, Carla":]
Ted: So, Carla when will you be back?
Carla: Not for a year.
Ted's band: [gasp] A year?!
Carla: Not for one long, long year.
Ted's band: We understand you love that kid. But this ain't no way to treat us.
Nurse Roberts: And I hesitate to say you did what Judas done to Jesus.
Doug: When you leave us all, we'll be upset.
Janitor: Look out. That floor is very wet.
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through our tears. How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Ted: Who'll tell me that my new toupee looks sweet?
Dr. Kelso: Who'll treat my gay son's rash and be discreet?
Todd: Who'll give me better ways to say "man meat"?
Carla: Pincho chiquito. ["Tiny penis."]
Todd: Thanks. I'm using that.
All: We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through our tears. How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Turk: My baby made the choice to be at home and not at work. So let us all rejoice 'cause she's the brand new mama Turk.
Carla: He's right, of course. And yet my heart in spite of this feels torn apart.
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here.
Ted: I need a tissue, Carla.
All: We're saying this through our tears. How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you?
Turk: Lunch!
Carla: It's gonna be a long, long year.

[song "Everything Comes Down to Poo":]
J.D.: Hey, Mrs. Miller. We just need a stool sample.
Patti: Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?
J.D. & Turk: 'cause the answer's not in your head, my dear, it's in your butt.
J.D.: You see? Everything comes down to poo. From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe. We can figure out what is wrong with you by looking at your poo. Turk?
Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid? Or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down You flush away the answer.
J.D.: It doesn't really matter if it's hard of it's loose. We'll figure out what's ailing you. As long as it's a deuce. Yes! Everything comes down to poo.
All: Everything comes down to poo.
J.D.: Cardiovascular, lymphatic, yes the nervous system too. All across the nation, we trust in defecation. Everything comes down to poo.
Turk: If you want to know what's wrong Don't sit and act so cool. Just be a man and eat some bran. And drop the kids off at the pool.
Woman #1: My stomach hurts.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Woman #2: I sprained my ankle.
Turk: Check the poo.
Man: I was shot.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: A homeless guy just threw poo in my eye.
Turk: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: Mine or his?
J.D.: First him then you. It may sound gross. You may say "shush".
J.D. & Tur But we need to see what comes out of your tush.
All: Because everything comes down to poo. Whether it is a tumor or a touch of the flu.
Turk & J.D.: Please, won't you pinch us all a big fat clue.
Turk: Our number one test is your number two.
All: If there's no breeze, light a match please. Everything comes down to...
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
All: Everything comes down to poo!

[song "Welcome to Sacred Heart":]
Dr. Kelso: Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso. I'm delighted that you came. So the doctors say you fainted and you don't know what's to blame. Well, put your mind at ease. There's no ill we can't outsmart. On behalf of all who work here...
All: Welcome to Sacred Heart!
J.D.: Our facilities are excellent, you couldn't ask for more.
Janitor: As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor.
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart.
Dr. Cox: And that's Dr. Kelso, the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart.
Turk: You say you burned your hand real bad, we'll fix you up with gauze
Elliot: Perhaps you need your fat sucked out or want a smaller schnoz
J.D.: Hey!
Dr. Kelso: You've caught a STD from some tasty little tart.
All: We swear we won't judge you here at Sacred Here at Sacred Here at Sacred Heart...
Dr. Kelso: One more thing that I should mention if what I heard is true. And everyone appears to be singing to you. Your case is very serious. And we better start. 'cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Sacred Heart.
All: Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead Guys! Welcome to Sacred Heart!