Dr. Kelso: Hey, ace. I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room. He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass, my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.
Dr. Cox: Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

Elliot: Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.
Dr. Kelso: You made a bold decision and it bit you in the keister.
Elliot: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: I don't like people disagreeing with me. There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.
Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Cheng. Could you at least just make fun of my bangs or something?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague, telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I can take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.
Elliot: Did- Did you just call me a colleague?
Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.

Dr. Kelso: Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patient rooms. To sum up: floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't have worked.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, Perry? I don't really know why I'm here, but Nurse Espinosa said if I didn't, she'd stop coming over to my house and giving instructions to my pool boy. He speaks perfect English, but doesn't have any front teeth, so I can never look at him without laughing. [chuckles] Anyway, I don't know what she expects me to say to you. I mean, all you do is bust my ass day in and day out. I guess you... you keep me in line on those rare occasions when I lose sight of things. You could say we balance each other out pretty well. [sighing] Perry the hospital needs you. I need you. What the hell are you doing?

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Elliot bought a house, I had to look for a place to live. Time to get out of my head and into an apartment.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso. [pats Dr. Kelso on the shoulder]
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard, if he were gay he would be perfect for my son. Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom.

Ted: I don't get it, sir. Why do our doctors have to put up pictures of themselves in their patients' rooms?
Dr. Kelso: Because, Ted, not only does it make our doctors more accountable, but a recent AMA study showed that it helps our patients feel much closer bond with their physician. Plus, who wouldn't want this young buck at their bedside.
Nurse Roberts: That picture's so old that the beaches are still segregated. Look, that's us way in the back. Doesn't that bother you?
Dr. Kelso: Good God, I'm stunning.

Elliot: I've got a secret.
Dr. Kelso: What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? [goofy voice] Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh.

Dr. Kelso: Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you. When I first started out, I could get this old white coat out, get a free haircut, nice table at the restaurant. Hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.
Dr. Cox: People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie, just for doing my job.
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers because that's what a house call used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing days, Bob. Today, people think of us as drug dispensing, walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their internet phones.
Dr. Kelso: So that's what that damned thing was.
Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays, you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Dr. Kelso: You know, I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?
Elliot: I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food. Dr. Kelso, I need you to precept a patient. Nineteen-year-old complaining of abdominal pain, turns out she's at least eight months pregnant. I'm just going to let one of the family practice people handle it.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart, except I heard your smart-aleck remark a second ago, so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl? It'll be good practice for you since you'll probably end up in a female specialty anyway.
Elliot: What do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie and most women end up in OB-GYN, family practice or pediatrics. It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want. But when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you're not going to be thinking, "I'm internal medicine." It's gonna be, "Oh! Look at the baby!"
Elliot: Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.

Nurse: Happy birthday, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank you.
Elliot: Oh, my God, is that a smile?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's like the last year, when the safety brake failed on Enid's wheelchair, and she started rolling toward our pool, I told myself: "Bob, it's already too late to stop it so you might as well sit back and enjoy it."