Ron Swanson: I'd like to object again to being brought here against my will.
Ann: Okay, I'm just gonna double-check your form here. Ron! You redacted all the information.
Ron Swanson: I answered some of them.
Ann: For "date of birth," you wrote "springtime."
Ron Swanson: Which is true.

Ron Swanson: Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.
Chris: No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything. I'm trying to siphon off some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.
Ron Swanson: Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No froufrou symbolism. Just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal. That's enough for today, I think.

Leslie Knope: Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!
Andy: Oh, Ron, cool baby.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John middle name redacted Swanson. John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] All told, we were in there about six hours. And no, I was not meditating. I just stood there, quietly breathing. There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.

Leslie Knope: Go ahead, Ron. Let me have it. Oh, wait, I'll do it for you. [as Ron] I told you so, Leslie. This is what happens when the government interferes with business. Government is bad, business is good. Free market. [babbles goofily]
Ron Swanson: Capitalism is the only way, Leslie. It moves our country forward. It's what makes America great. And England okay and France terrible.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

Donna: We're so sorry, Ron. You guys were close?
Ron Swanson: I've seen Salvatore the first Tuesday of the month for the past four decades. Same exact thing every time. I paid him $8. I sat in the same chair. Salvatore put the same cape over me. Then he'd always ask me about the same thing... nothing. It was perfect. Can't delay this forever. Excuse me. [at the casket] The three most important people in a man's life are his barber, his butcher, and his lover. I have lost one of those. Here's a tenner, Sal. As you know, I don't believe in tipping, so I will collect my change from your wife. [to Donna] I had an appointment with Salvatore scheduled for Tuesday. Look how raggedy my hair is. What am I supposed to be, some kind or rock star?

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Ron Swanson: This isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?
Waiter: I don't know what to tell you, man.
Ron Swanson: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." Do you understand?