Jay: Gloria, now listen. I know that you're upset with me about that concert thing and rightfully so, but you have to help me.
Gloria: What is it?
Jay: It seems I made plans with Mitchell's friend Pepper.
Gloria: That's someone's name? Pepper?
Jay: Yes. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's another guy named Longinus.

Gloria: So at midnight, you eat them and then you make your wishes.
Billy Dee Williams: Well, that sounds vaguely familiar. I might have heard about that when I did that "Love Boat" with Charo.
Jay: You know Charo?
Gloria: He's so obsessed with Charo.
Billy Dee Williams: No kidding.

Jay: What are you gonna do, pal?!
Derrick: About to ask you the same thing.
Jay: Did you not see my blinker?
Derrick: Nope.
Jay: Then you're blind, 'cause it's on.
Derrick: Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here.
Jay: I got all day and satellite radio.
Derrick: I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list. I've got two books on tape, a space blanket, and a protein bar in the glove box. I will sleep here if I have to.
Jay: We're not moving.
Gloria: Ay, but we are. Let's go, Manny. [horns honk]

Gloria: Hola! How did it go at the mall?
Jay: Bought a shirt, angered my son, another successful outing.

Jay: You were supposed to talk to her about storing those zeppelins in a hangar.
Claire: I did!
Jay: Well, do it again. Louder. This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.
Claire: Dad, I think you're the one who's being offensive.
Jay: It's my company. Take care of it.

Martin: Hello, Cameron. I thought I smelled failure and cheap hair spray.
Cameron: Oh, hello, Martin. You're looking unwell.
Martin: Could you do that thing you did last year where you lose and then you try and throw a chair but not realize it's bolted down and wrench your back and then curse at me while I wave a trophy in your big red face? Could you?
Cameron: [laughs] Boy, look at you. You're all worked up. It must have been a tough day assistant managing that Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Martin: It's a Michaels and you know it, you son of a bitch!
Jay: [to Cameron] Fine. I'll do it. I don't like that guy. But what happens if somebody I know comes in here and thinks I'm living a secret life?
Cameron: Jay, trust me, if someone you know comes in here tonight, they're living a secret life.

Jay: I'll tell you what else we're glossing over -- how bad you all are at Father's Day. I've got one son who's a kleptomaniac, the other who's in love with his own aunt - creepy even by your standards - and a daughter who I was forced to see naked as the day she was born.
Mitchell: Come on, Cam. Kiss me like the sissy I am!
Jay: Right on cue!
Claire: Oh, God.
Jay: Happy Father's Day to me. Icing on the cake, I just found out my own wife has major daddy issues. Makes me wonder if that's the whole reason she's with me.
Claire: Dad, come on. We may have ruined your day, yes, but now you're just spiraling. I mean, every relationship has its issues, and Gloria adores you! Take the win.
Jay: You think?
Sonia: [holding a painting of what can only be described as Colombian Jay] Papa was so handsome.
All: Yeah!

Jay: I don't like to play this card, but I am the patriarch, and I have spoken.
Claire: Not much of a card, Dad, 'cause I don't really care. So, how about the two of you get going, because Luke has a speech to work on?
Jay: You want to go up against the Pritchett political machine? So be it!
Luke: Bye, Grandpa!
Jay: [warmly] Bye, kiddo!

Jay: You got this, Becky. You walk in the cabin, you push those buttons. They go beep, boop, boop, boop. What are the numbers?
Aunt Becky: 3
Jay: Uh-huh.
Aunt Becky: 3
Jay: Yeah?
Aunt Becky: Weeks! Since I've had my stroke, and this is the first time you come and visit, and all you can care about is that stupid cabin.
Jay: Wait. No, what?
Aunt Becky: My brain is fine!
Jay: But the doctor.
Aunt Becky: That's Fred from next door. He played a doctor on a soap opera once, and he kept the coat.
Jay: But it was hockey playoffs.

Phil: I loved those Mint Jay-leps.
Jay: You did?
Phil: Yeah.
Jay: Did you hear that, Gloria? He did.
Phil: I only trashed them because of what you called me when I was dancing at the wedding.
Jay: What? Flail Dunphy? Shrill Dummy? When you dropped your drink, Spill Bumbly?
Phil: Michael Jerkson.
Jay: [chuckling] Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.