Manny: Okay. How about this? We open on a blank sheet of paper. Under a Mozart fugue, we suddenly see a drop of blood.
Jay: Is it the admissions committee slitting their wrists?
Manny: [sighs] Fine. The year is 18-
Jay: No! You're on the wrong track here. They're gonna get a million applications from artsy little snots. You've got to stand out. When everybody else zigs, you've got to zoink.
Manny: Isn't it "zag"?
Jay: Exactly.

Phil: You are standing on the site of the future Dunphy Tower. A quarter acre of mixed-use space in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Jay: Commercial real estate, huh? This is a departure for you.
Phil: I thought about it down to the last detail. Imagine a happy worker coming down from their transit-friendly office for a fancy coffee beverage or yoga, and what's that over there?
Jay: A doll's foot, I hope.
Phil: A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Jay: Ooh, Stella and I went to one of those in Solvang. She got a quiche. It looked so good, I almost split it with her.

Jay: We do need to eat.
Manny: Yeah. I wouldn't mind some pizza.
Jay: We're not getting any pineapple.
Gloria: You are getting pineapple!
Jay: We're taking it off our slices.
Gloria: Don't waste any food, Jay!
Jay: I think we made our point.
Manny: Totally.
Jay: We'll get our own pizza, eat it in the car.

Jay: That's right, guys, high knees, high knees. Commie to your left! Commie to your right! Stop dragging, Pitkowski, they're coming after your sweetheart! You know what they did to Poland!
Principal Brown: Well, I want to stop this, but there's nothing in the guidelines about Communists.
Jay: Now, we're high like a hippie! We're bending over like a...
Cameron: Okay! Shut it down, Jay!
Jay: All right, boys, hydrate like I taught you. Attaboy. There you go. [boys coughing]

Manny: I have a fever.
Gloria: Ay, mi amor. Come here and I feel you.
Manny: Ooh. I don't wanna get you sick. It could be fatal.
Jay: Then by all means, stand next to me.

Haley: I need to talk to you about something.
Alex: She wants to go to a party with Dylan, Grandpa.
Haley: Shut up, Alex. It's at my friend Andrew Adler's. He lives three blocks from here.
Jay: Oh. Walking distance.
Haley: Right. So I wouldn't ask you this, because I love coming to your house, but it's kind of an important party, and I-
Jay: Somebody invites you over, the last thing you wanna do is insult them.
Haley: Exactly.
Jay: I'm glad we agree.
Haley: [laughs] Oh, my God. That was so easy. This is awesome.
Alex: You really don't understand what just happened there, do you?

Jay: Gloria, I wanna tell you a story about a guy eating in a diner, alone. Behind him he hears a woman talking. He doesn't turn around. Five minutes, 10 minutes, just listening for the woman, the life in her voice. And before he even sees her, he realizes he's fallen in love. Now I give you a guess who that guy is.

Jay: There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange, mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke. Though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns. And more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own.

Jay: Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you. It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug, make it all go away. [Manny hugs Jay]
Manny: Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?
[Gloria signals no to Jay, then walks away]
Jay: Okay, I just opened a bottle, a beautiful 18-year-old, full-bodied.
Manny: Sam!

Jay: Look at this place. Everybody's here. Heinrich Muler of Berlin Closet-stadt, Susan Sadaki from Tokyo Closets and Canned Whale Meat. It's a regular who's who.
Gloria: Yeah, even when you say all their names.