Jay: Actually, that's what I don't want to talk to you about. Is it possible Sherry pushes you around?
Manny: What are you saying?
Jay: I don't know. Be the man, you know. Show some backbone.
Manny: That is such a you thing to say.
Jay: It really isn't.
Manny: It's such an old way of looking at relationships. Gender roles don't matter anymore.
Jay: Is that why you're wearing her pants?
Manny: Let me tell you something, Jay. Just like long pants, toxic machismo has gone out of style.
Jay: Yeah. Yeah, masculinity's bad till someone has to kill a spider.

Joe: I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Gloria: Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!
Joe: Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Gloria: Lizard? I thought that you were just going to the pet shop to look.
Jay: I can't say no to that face. You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple and fuzz-stache show up.

Gloria: Joe, next week, you have to go to school dressed as a hero. Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
Jay: Or Uncle Erasmus.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, that's cute, but Alvaro was not only a war hero. He was a celebrated matador, Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, two-time winner of the Bogota Herald cartoon caption contest.
Jay: No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots, which, incidentally, were made by a nine-foot Texas diamondback he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
Joe: Did he kill all his clothes?
Jay: He sure did. Come upstairs. I'll show you. I got a ring of his with a tooth in it he punched out of a puma.

Jay: Well, he ain't here. Let's go. My famous chili has been simmering since 5:00 a.m.
Cameron: Y-You know, it is funny that you keep calling your chili "famous" when I find it a little... forgettable.
Jay: Cam, I'm a successful man. Captain of industry, made out with a Gabor sister, and if I can swing a few more board votes, we break ground on the Pritchett School of Closet Science at Ohio State. Not really sweating your take on my chili.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: He'd hurt me deeply. I kept mentioning chili 'cause, you know, I was trying to jog his memory, 'cause we were supposed to make it together. I've waited my whole life for a special Super Bowl buddy, someone who understands it isn't just a game. It's a 15-hour, 4-meal, 2-shirt, 1-nap experience, and I thought Cam could be that buddy. Then I started worrying Cam might forget a date we set a year ago.
[flashback:]
Jay: [cellphone rings] He remembered. He remembered, Stella! Be cool. [answers phone, yawning] Hey, what's up? Oh, butt-dial. No, I see. Yeah, take it easy.

Gloria: Jay will take you.
Jay: Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
Manny: I can't believe this. I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
Jay: With a heated pool.

Jay: [v.o.] A lot can happen to a family over the years. New additions... New struggles. You don't always mark the moments, because you're too busy taking care of life. Best you can do sometimes is remind yourself to cherish every single...

Art Teacher: Look, I'm an artist. I'm free. I used to have an earring up here. But some of the other parents have complained. Well, the moms.
Gloria: He must have learned that at school. Because we have filters in the computer, and I have thrown out all of Jay magazines.
Jay: Don't know what she's talking about.
Gloria: There is no way that Manny has seen this sort of thing at our home. [looks down at her breasts]
Jay: We'll take it from here.

Jay: [aside to camera] My friend Burt Tanner runs the hotel. He comped us a few rooms because we sold him some closets for his high-roller suites. Zebrawood, heated sock drawer, the works. Hey, luxury bathroom, it's me, lowly closet. Watch your back.

Barb Tucker: Hey, Merle, it's your son's wedding, maybe lose the toothpick?
Merle Tucker: I'm getting tired of this nagging. I'm leaving you.
Jay: What?
Barb Tucker: Not if I leave you first!
Gloria: No, no, no, you don't mean this!
Barb Tucker: Oh, don't you feel bad, honey. You have helped me today.
Merle Tucker: [to Jay] Thanks for getting me over the hump.
Jay and Gloria: What did you do?

Jay: [aside to camera] I had the perfect night planned. Alone, pay-per-view boxing. The pride of Ireland versus a Cuban sensation. In the ring and in my bloodstream. Then Gloria and Mitchell got involved.