Gloria: May I finish my story? So, I start following Sandra Bullock...
Jay: Not Sandra Bullock.
Gloria: Around the grocery store. She goes first to the frozen section, then she goes to the detergent aisle. I'm thinking to myself this whole time, "I am gonna go and introduce myself, but it has to be at the right time." So I keep following her. Eventually, she leaves the store. She goes outside, which was actually really hot to be January, because, remember, last year...
Jay: We know the month, we know the weather, we know it's not Sandra Bullock.

Gloria: You know what, Jay, this is not about who tells the best story. This is about you jumping in that night like you just wanted me to stop talking because I was embarrassing you or something. You made me feel stupid. You think it's nothing, but you hurt my feelings.
Jay: Gloria, that's the last thing I meant to happen.
Gloria: You're just saying that. You don't really understand.
Jay: No, I'm sorry. Hell, I'm the last guy who wants to make somebody feel like they sound stupid. Did I ever tell you about the little boy from my neighborhood who stuttered? He was real self-conscious about it. What kid wouldn't be? At school, when the teacher would ask him a question, he tried so hard to get the words out, but it just wouldn't come. Rest of the kids stared at him, which only made the stuttering worse. They'd whisper behind his back and laugh. Finally, got to the point when the teacher called on him to answer a question, even if he knew the answer, he'd just say, "I don't know." Then the teacher would shake his head and say, "Next time, study harder, Jay."
Gloria: You were that little kid? So sad. That must have been very hard for you.
Jay: It was.

Alex: I guess you're right. It would be pretty dumb of me to give up on the career path I'm on. I could make half a mil my first year out of school.
Jay: Wow! What do they pay men?
Alex: So, Danger never did another stunt again?
Jay: He still brings that maverick spirit to everything he does, which is why he got to the top of his industry. Some people think it's the greatest stunt he ever pulled off.
Alex: [scoffs] Thanks for the talk, Danger.

Jay: No, I listened to what you said, and you're never truly gonna be in charge until I get out of your way.
Claire: You didn't have to do that for me.
Jay: I didn't do it just for you. Every good closet man knows when to hang it up. And I... I think I'm ready for a new challenge.
Claire: Oh, Dad, not window tinting.
Jay: It's like printing money, but no, it's not for me. Here's what I'm excited about. Let me show you. Mm.
Claire: What am I looking at?
Jay: The future. Fun dog beds.
Claire: Oh, my God. This is the pineapple you were doodling.
Jay: Yes! I designed it myself!
Claire: Cool. Cool. So, the pharmacy tracks how all of your medications interact, right?

Mitchell: Um, it's really embarrassing. Uh, I ran into this guy who works at the bait shop.
Jay: Is that a gay bar?
Mitchell: No, an actual bait shop. And I came on to him years ago. It turns out he was straight. And I'm... I'm still traumatized by it.
Jay: Let me give you some advice. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it. You got that?
Mitchell: Wait. What?
Jay: Go talk to the guy. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it, and you take away its power.
Mitchell: That's actually not the worst advice.
Jay: It's great advice. In fact, you should write it down. It feels quotable.
Mitchell: You know what? I am. I'm going back there.
Jay: You got this, Mitchell. Just think of it as one more time when your dad helped you out with all this gay business.