[aside to camera:]
Jay: It's no big deal. I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this year's Expo Internationale du Closet.
Gloria: Why don't they translate the last word? I'm sure they have a word for closet.
Jay: They're French. Maybe they went on strike before they got to the end.

Gloria: How did it go? Are they giving Jay an award?
Manny: No. They said it would set a very dangerous precedent. And in perfect English. Turns out this whole misunderstanding was completely avoidable.
Gloria: We need to figure out something. Jay can never find out that Earl got an award instead of him.
Manny: Wow. Look at this place. The craftsmanship, the architecture. They say the domed ceiling acts as a whisper chamber.
Gloria: What does "whisper chamber" mean?
Jay: [whispering] It means I heard everything you just said. [normal voice] I have to turn my TV up to 40, but that was loud and clear!

Jay: You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. There was this one bar I used to...
Gloria: Let's go. Let's get you some black coffee.

Jay: It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. [to Joe] Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. I love you!
Joe: I know. We had this conversation four times last night.
Jay: Really?
Gloria: Um, maybe you should check your call history.
Jay: Oh, no.
[elsewhere, Phil plays a message on his answer phone:]
Jay: [on Phil's phone] You inspire me. And I think I'm rude to you sometimes because I'm scared of that, Phil. This is a long way of saying... [voice breaking] I think I finally have a best friend. You inspire me. And I think I'm rude to you somet...

Phil: Maybe this'll enlighten you. Open up.
Jay: Get your hand away from my...
Phil: Open up!
Jay: That's damn good. Why do I always default to "no"? Is Gloria right? Should I try slim-cut jeans?

Jay: This, my friend, is a 2009 Chateau Trotanoy. You might want to cinch your belt up. It's liable to blow your trousers off.
Manny: Mm. It's nice.
Jay: "Nice"?
Manny: I understand why you would like it, but... this is what my wine club friends would call "an obvious choice."
Jay: I get it. You haven't developed a taste for fine wine yet.
Manny: Um, I hate to say it, but I probably know more about wine than you do.
Jay: Two months ago, you couldn't drink rosé unless it was mixed with Snapple.

Jay: The uneducated palate would identify this as a Cabernet, when, in fact, it is a Merlot from Bordeaux.
Joe: Correct.
Manny: Oh! Lucky guess.
Jay: In my twenties, I befriended a sommelier from Paris... Marcel Caron. In fact, I went to stay with him. We'd drink wine all night and fall asleep to the sound of an accordion on the Rue de Montparnasse.
Manny: Much like this wine, that story has too many fruity notes.

Gloria: It was sweet how Mitch didn't have to think twice about going.
Jay: Well, it's like he said, it's his turn to support Cam. Almost the same thing I'm trying to do for you, except I'm pissing you off.
Gloria: Because you won't do anything the way that I would do it!
Jay: I don't see anyone else complaining.
Gloria: That's the worst part... that nobody needs me. It's 2020. I shouldn't be losing jobs to an old white man.
Jay: When Manny gets homesick, who do you think he's gonna call? When Joe has a nightmare, who does he want? And when I'm sitting here already sad about Mitchell leaving, who do you think I want to walk into this room?
Gloria: Me?
Jay: Of course! And I think I know what's going on here. You're feeling guilty about working. Don't. Do you think I ever felt guilty working while you held down the fort here?
Gloria: You sure didn't.
Jay: No, and now it's time for you to go out into the world and crush it.
Gloria: While you hold down the fort and look pretty?
Jay: Well, I'm not just a sex object. I have other gifts.

Jay: Chaqueta. Sombrero. What are you? I know you're masculine.
Gloria: What is wrong with you?
Jay: What are you talking about?
Gloria: You're acting crazy, and it's scaring me. You're too young to be acting like an old man.
Jay: [Spanish: "Who are you calling an old man?"]
Gloria: [Spanish: "I'm not mad at you, I--"]
Jay: [Spanish: "I'm learning Spanish for you. Surprise, my love."] I've been using this app, you know, so I'll know what's going on when I go with you to Colombia this summer.
Gloria: [gasps] You're coming?!
Jay: You've been staring at my family for 12 years. Least I can do is stare at yours for one summer.
Gloria: You're wonderful. But no staring, and never, ever take the same route twice. Ay, Jay, you're gonna love it.

Jay: I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm saying play the odds. For example, you take this O'Shea guy.
Alex: Oh, good. We're back to him.
Jay: But he was smart. He started a business, got established. And when he couldn't kick the daredevil dream, he went for it. And he was good, real good, until that fateful day he tried to jump over a motorcycle in a school bus. Fortunately for him, unlike his act, he had a safety net.
Alex: His business.
Jay: Jumped right back in. Within a year, it was bigger than ever. The point is, you've been on the science track for 15 years. See it through. Build a foundation. If in a couple of years, you still have the singing bug, go for it!