Rochelle: What happened to Doc's?
Chris: He refused to pay me minimum wage, so I found a job that would.
Julius: [scoffs] Minimum wage. [chuckles] I paid a man to let me work my first job. You kids got it good.
Chris: It's about the principle, Dad, not the money. I work hard, and if the man says I should be paid $3.35 then he should pay me.
Drew: [scoffs] Good luck with that.
Julius: You get free Chinese food?
Chris: Yeah, all the rice I want.
Julius: I like those principles.

Rochelle: Besides, what's the worst that can happen?
[fantasy: An IRS seizure and recovery truck is outside the house:]
Julius: Where did they go...? What is go... Oh, my...
Chris: Dad, they took the TV.
Rochelle: Julius, they took my wigs. Ow!
Drew: Dad... They're taking Tonya.
Tonya: Ah!
Julius: [screaming] No!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since there was no "Kwanzaa Eve" celebration for my family, Christmas Day turned into just another Wednesday.
Drew: Aren't there any Kwanzaa shows on?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah. The Bob Hope Kwanzaa Special.
Rochelle: Everything is about Christmas.
Julius: Our ancestors played games and told stories.
Rochelle: Because our ancestors didn't have TV.
Drew: See, that's Kwanzaa's second principle, Kujichagulia-- self-determination.
Rochelle: Kuji-what?
Julius: We define ourselves. We don't need The Man telling us what to watch.

Rochelle: Oh, well, I don't know who else to invite.
Chris: How about Tasha?
All: Tasha?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do I have to buy everybody shrimp and sloppers?
Rochelle: Is that okay with you, baby?
Julius: Sounds like a good idea.
Rochelle: Oh, good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: she eats like a White girl.

Julius: Nice to meet you, Larry.
Lance: Lance.
Julius: Okay.
Lance: It's great seeing you again, Rochelle. Next time you come down, I'll give you a few free loads. Also, here are some coupons for, uh, a new dry cleaners I'm opening. [Julius grabs the coupons]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would take a coupon from bin Laden.
Julius: Thanks, Lurch.
Tonya: It's Larry.
Rochelle: It's Lance.

Julius: I have to work today. I can go to the service, but after that I have to leave.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, he don't.
Rochelle: What are you talking about? Nobody works on Easter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He doesn't either.
Julius: Hey, what can I tell ya? I just got the call.
Rochelle: I didn't hear the phone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never rang.
Julius: Maybe you were in the bathroom.
Tonya: I wasn't in the bathroom. I ain't hear it either. You hear the phone?
Drew: I didn't hear the phone. You hear the phone?
Chris: No, I didn't hear the phone.
Julius: Well, I answered it on the first ring.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, he didn't.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father hated to think that Tonya had stolen again, but he also hated being short $2.50.
Julius: Tonya, did you roll those quarters like I told you to?
Tonya: Yeah. Why?
Julius: When I went to the bank, every one of those rolls was a quarter short. What happened to the rest of my money?
Tonya: Well, I took one quarter out of each roll.
Julius: You didn't think anybody wouldn't notice that? What did you do with the money, Tonya?
Tonya: Well, I was trying to save to make you another roll.
Julius: Save for another roll?
Tonya: Yeah. You didn't think I was stealing from you, did you?
Julius: No, of course not.
Tonya: Well, that's what it sounds like to me.
Julius: No, no, that's not what it sounds like.
Tonya: I'm just saying...
Julius: Huh?! Look, your mother, she needs some help. Look, here, take that and buy some candy or something, okay?
Tonya: No, Daddy, you keep it.
Julius: Coming, baby! Coming!

Drew: They're, like, the best team in the league. They're probably gonna win the World Series.
Julius: What about the Dodgers?
Drew: What about 'em?
Julius: They hired Jackie Robinson.
Drew: So?
Julius: Don't you realize that without the Dodgers, there'd be no Black people in baseball? The Dodgers are from Brooklyn. The Dodgers have famous hot dogs. [time lapse] The Dodgers have better logos. The Dodgers marched with Dr. King.
Drew: I don't care. I still like the Mets.
Julius: I guess you can buy your own food and clothing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mature.

Julius: So, you enjoying my four dollars?
Drew: That's long gone.
Julius: Boy, what can you blow four dollars on that fast?
Drew: Actually, it was five, but I figured you were worth it. [gives Julius the Dodgers baseball cap] For the number-one fan of the number-two team in baseball.
Julius: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This tender moment should not be diminished, but later that day my father returned that hat, got his five dollars back and ended up a dollar up on the deal.

Julius: Baby, it's a good coat.
Rochelle: Do you remember who gave you this coat?
Julius: I think it was Janet.
Rochelle: You're damn right! So when you told me that you were gonna get rid of it, that means you were lying, so now you're a liar?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes.
Julius: You're acting like you pulled Janet out of the closet. What difference does it make? It's a coat, not a woman. Damn!
Rochelle: So you're telling me you're going to keep the coat, even though I'm telling you I don't want you to keep it?
Julius: Yeah. I see no sane reason to get rid of it, so I'm keeping it.
Rochelle: Okay, fine. Keep the coat, Julius. I hope it keeps you warm.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Takes a brave man to choose a coat over a woman. A brave stupid man.