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‘Everybody Hates Bad Boys’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Bad Boys

312. Everybody Hates Bad Boys

Aired March 9, 2008

Chris wants to move out of the friend zone with Tasha so he tries acting like a bad boy. Meanwhile, Julius wins a free dinner at a fancy French restaurant.

Quote from Tonya

Drew: Wow. I've never had coq au vin before.
Mrs. Banks: You two have such great manners.
Mr. Banks: Your mother must be very proud.
Tonya: Well, she said if we didn't act right, she'd slap the caviar out of us.
Mrs. Banks: Oh. Bearnaise, anyone?

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Quote from Vanessa

Rochelle: Ah, dinner for six, that sounds nice.
Tonya: But there's only five of us.
Drew: Yeah. Maybe we can bring somebody.
Rochelle: Wait a minute now. This sounds like a nice place. We can't just bring anybody.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We thought about bringing Vanessa.
[fantasy:]
Vanessa: I dated a French guy once. I can't stand French food. I mean, hors d'oeuvres. Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? You got any chimichangas?

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We thought about Jerome.
[fantasy:]
Jerome: Uh... Excuse me, garcon. Can we get some more silverware?
Waitress: I just put some out.
Jerome: [chuckling] I don't know what happened to it.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We even thought about Mr. Omar.
[fantasy:]
Rochelle: Oh, my God! He's choking! Help him!
Mr. Omar: Hold on! There's nothing we can do.
Woman: But he's still choking. [the man collapses]
Mr. Omar: Not anymore. Tragic.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I had started acting like a bad boy for Tasha, but ended up being a jerk to everybody.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Chris: Bus' it. We get some French fries?
Waitress: We don't have French fries.
Chris: Y'all call yourself a French restaurant. All right, what y'all got?
Waitress: Uh, have you had a chance to look at the menu?
Chris: Nah. Y'all got some fish?
Waitress: We have several types.
Chris: All right, well, fry some of that up for me, get us some drinks, some salad with French dressing some of them escargots, some French onion soup, some French toast, and for dessert, some French vanilla ice cream.
Waitress: Anything else?
Chris: Y'all got French mustard?
Waitress: I'll check.
Chris: Check on then. [lights another match] [to Tasha] You want one?

Quote from Michael

Chris: Hey, Ma.
Rochelle: Hey, sweetie.
Chris: Found somebody to go to dinner with us.
Rochelle: Oh, that's okay, baby. I decided to take Michael.
Chris: Uncle Michael's coming?
Michael: Yeah, man. I heard French food real good! "Excellente!" That's French. I've been studying, 'cause I'm ready to go. Ooh, la, la. I can't wait.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I can't wait for you to choke on that spaghetti.

Quote from Drew

Julius: What's all this?
Rochelle: Well, I just thought that since we're going to a nice restaurant, we need to brush up on our manners. I don't want y'all in there embarrassing me.
Julius: For a free meal, I don't care if y'all showed up butt-naked with socks on.
Drew: If we were butt-naked, we wouldn't have socks on, would we?
Tonya: We're not even there yet, and I'm already embarrassed.

Quote from Chris

Julius: I've got good news.
Rochelle: You finally kicked the gout?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Chris isn't your real son?
Julius: No.
Drew: Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?
Julius: No.
Chris: Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?
Julius: No.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was still hoping to make some progress with Tasha, but Greg was convinced all hope was lost.
Greg: Dude, once a friend, always a friend. It's the Westermarck effect.
Chris: West what?
Greg: Edward Westermarck. He was a scientist. He concluded that when two people live together in close proximity during the early years of life, they will never become boyfriend and girlfriend.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That means I still have a chance with Shakira.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Hey, baby, what you doing?
Rochelle: Julius, I'm gonna need a few extra dollars this week.
Julius: For what?
Rochelle: Well, we can't go to a nice restaurant looking like "Who let you in?" I'm gonna need a new dress. The boys need haircuts. And I need a new pair of shoes. So does Tonya. I saw these fake eyelashes... There's this really nice shawl that goes with the dress. Pantyhose.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only my mother could make a free dinner expensive.

Quote from Doc

Doc: Chris, I hear your father got Employee of the Month down at the paper.
Chris: Yeah.
Doc: They still giving out their free dinners?
Chris: Uh-huh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Subtlety was not Doc's strong suit.
Doc: Uh, that's usually for six people, right?
Chris: Uh-huh, I'm thinking about asking Tasha to go.
Doc: Oh, Tasha.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 'Cause she looks better in a dress.

Quote from Doc

Chris: See, that's what I don't get. I don't understand why girls like you to treat them bad.
Doc: Chris, women are crazy. They think just because they get a bad boy, they'll be so special that they'll be the only ones to make him treat a girl nice. It's just like trying to climb Mount Everest. Every now and then, somebody does it, but they usually end up in a snow cave, chewing on their own leg.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Analogies were not Doc's strong suit either.
Chris: Are we still talking about girls?
Doc: Chris, all I'm trying to say is Slaver Slav figured it out. If you want a girl to go crazy over you, be like Mount Everest. Be difficult.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Try to get to her to eat her own leg off.
Doc: And whatever you do, don't be nice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And again I say there's a reason why Doc lives alone.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After months of being around Tasha, we had become really good friends.
Tasha: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"?
Chris: What does that even mean?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The problem was: I didn't want to be just a friend. I wanted to get out of the friend zone and into the lover zone, and the only way was to swing for the fences.
Chris: Can I ask you a question?
Tasha: Yeah.
Chris: Will you go with me?
Tasha: Go where?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Strike one.
Chris: No, I mean, like, go together.
Tasha: We are together.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Strike two!
Chris: No, I mean, like, you and me go out.
Tasha: What?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Strike three and you're out!
Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.
Chris: [scoffing] Yeah, I'm so crazy.
Tasha: Are you about to go home?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, to cry.
Chris: Yeah, I guess.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since the direct approach didn't work, I wondered what would. I thought about being romantic.
[fantasy: Chris stands outside Tasha's window with a funeral wreath:]
Tasha: Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: These are for you.
Tasha: Boy, you're so crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about being chivalrous.
[fantasy: Chris puts his jacket over a puddle as he and Tasha walk together:]
Chris: Allow me.
Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.
Rochelle: Boy, is that your good jacket?
Chris: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even thought about being brave.
[fantasy: Chris confronts a group of men who are eyeing Tasha:]
Chris: Hey... why don't y'all leave her alone?
[later:]
Chris: [running] Oh, God!
Tasha: Boy, you so crazy!

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought that was bad. Then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.
Jerome: Girls like it when you give them compliments. Hey, baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
Woman: Shut up, idiot.
Jerome: I wasn't even talking to her.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Don't you just hate doing laundry?
Tasha: Yeah.
Chris: But, you know, I guess it'd be kind of cool if you had a boyfriend to do it for you.
Tasha: No. What kind of man does a woman's laundry?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Strike one!
Chris: Yeah, no, that wouldn't be cool. I-I wouldn't do that. I'd be like, "Woman, you better do my laundry."
Tasha: And I guess you want her barefoot and pregnant, too, huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Strike two!
Chris: Nah. I was just kidding.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Trying to take a free meal away from my uncle Michael was like trying to take a bone away from a pit bull.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Let me get this straight. You want me to give up a free dinner for a girl?
Chris: Michael, please. I already invited her. I've been trying to get with her for I don't know how long. If I blow this, probably won't get another chance.
Michael: I don't know. What do I get out of it?
Chris: What do you want?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The one thing my uncle loved more than a free meal was a bunch of free meals. All it took was a shrimp basket...
Michael: What's up?
Chris: What's up?
Michael: [eats] Mmm! Later.
Chris: Later.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...and a slopper.
Michael: Hmm. What's up?
Chris: What's up?
Michael: Mmm. Later.
Chris: Later.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Oh, well, I don't know who else to invite.
Chris: How about Tasha?
All: Tasha?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do I have to buy everybody shrimp and sloppers?
Rochelle: Is that okay with you, baby?
Julius: Sounds like a good idea.
Rochelle: Oh, good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: she eats like a White girl.

Quote from Adult Chris

Maitre'D : Good evening, sir. May I help you?
Julius: Yes. We have a reservation for six. Um, it was made by the newspaper. I'm the Employee of the Month.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "Oh, great, poor people."
Maitre'D : Employee of the Month, party of six. I don't have anything available right now, but if you have a seat, I'll be right with you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never trust a Black man who speaks French.
Mr. Banks: Hi. Banks party for six, 8:00 p.m.?
Maitre'D : Bonsoir, Mr. Banks. Right this way.
Mr. Banks: Ah, good. Come on, gang.
Maitre'D : Oui, oui.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oui, oui really means "White, White".
Maitre'D : Bon appetit!

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