Drew: Hey, Dad. When you get done, can I have some more frozen peas?
Julius: Frozen peas? What are you doing Prince splits for anyway? Between bandages, frozen vegetables... and cleaning your suit, that's $14.86 worth of split. I'll bring your peas in a minute.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother was wearing out shoes looking for a hat.
Vanessa: Rochelle, this is the sixth hat shop we've been to today.
Rochelle: Yeah, but they say this is the best hat shop in Brooklyn.
Vanessa: Why didn't we come here first?
Rochelle: Well, how would I know if it's the best hat shop if I didn't visit all the lousy ones first?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how Vanessa looked for a husband.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The biggest deal at our house on Easter was my mother's church hat because a church hat on Easter was like a gown at the Oscars.
[fantasy: Shaun Robinson hosts a Red Carpet special outside Julius and Rochelle's door:]
Shaun Robinson: Hey, girl! Here she comes. Rochelle? Rochelle?
Rochelle: Hi, Shaun.
Shaun Robinson: Oh, that hat is fabulous!
Rochelle: Thank you.
Shaun Robinson: Who is it?
Rochelle: It's a Sean Gianni Vermani.
Shaun Robinson: Love you, girl. You look fabulous!
Rochelle: Come on, Julius.
Julius: Oh, yes.

Rochelle: Julius, come back here. I need you to help me pick out my Easter hat.
Julius: I'd rather pick cotton.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It would be less backbreaking.
Julius: Rochelle, we've been doing this for months. Just pick one.
Rochelle: Julius, you just don't pick out a hat. A hat picks you. Okay, now tell me, which one of these will look better on me?
Julius: I don't know. Where's your dress?
Rochelle: I put it on layaway. It's not out yet. Ooh, which reminds me, I need ten dollars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother didn't put the dress on layaway because it was expensive. She just started planning for Easter at Thanksgiving.
[flashback:]
Chris: Mom, why is this cranberry sauce shaped like a rabbit?
Rochelle: Because I was testing out my new Easter molds. [holds a plate with a cross-shaped blob of gravy] Who wants gravy?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nobody!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was judging hats, Greg was judging me.
Greg: Don't you think it's kind of weird to have a date on Easter?
Chris: Less weird than not having a date ever. Besides, it's not a date. It's an opportunity.
Greg: I guess you're right. Maybe I should go back to church. You know, score some babes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Greg went back to church, the only one who hit on him was the priest.

Chris: It's just that Robert's out of the picture. If I'm ever gonna have a shot with Tasha, this is it.
Greg: I hear ya. Kick a man when he's down, that's what I always say.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the only time he ever said that.
Chris: Whose side are you on?
Greg: Yours. The guy's an idiot. I haven't even been on one date, and I know you don't break up with a girl before a holiday. A girl by herself on a holiday is like an ice-cream cone in hell. It ain't gonna be there very long. I know I always say this, but this time, dude, you truly are in there. Wait. Do you even know what an escort does?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I do, but this is a family show.

Hattie Mitchell: Oh, can I help you?
Rochelle: Yes. I'm looking for a church hat for Easter.
Vanessa: Not just a church hat. She needs the churchiest hat you've got.
Hattie Mitchell: Uh-oh, sounds like somebody's getting into a hat competition.
Vanessa: Oh, no, she's not getting into the competition. She is the competition. Rochelle is the three-time winner of the Double Rock on Zion's Holy Gospel Temple of Bethesda Christian Worship Baptist Church Easter Hat Show. Uh-huh. She's about to make it number four. Hello.

Chris: What are y'all doing anyway? I mean, I thought you already dyed eggs for Easter.
Tonya: We did. These eggs are for the church egg hunt. Me and Drew are bringing extra so I can have a head start on winning.
Chris: That's cheating.
Tonya: Not if I don't get caught.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now Tonya uses the same logic when she does her taxes.
Chris: All right, but you better not let Mama catch you either.
Tonya: I didn't think about that.
Drew: Don't worry. I'll hide them in the refrigerator.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who'd think of looking for eggs there?

Drew: We need to figure out a way to get these eggs to church.
Tonya: I got an idea. Come over here. This is where I hide all my stuff from mommy. Shh. Don't tell her.
[Tonya opens the back of a doll, removing an array of make-up]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope she doesn't have a gun in there.
Tonya: All right, put the eggs in here. Be careful. Now all I got to do is convince Daddy to let me bring my baby doll to church.
Drew: Cool.

Julius: I have to work today. I can go to the service, but after that I have to leave.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, he don't.
Rochelle: What are you talking about? Nobody works on Easter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He doesn't either.
Julius: Hey, what can I tell ya? I just got the call.
Rochelle: I didn't hear the phone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never rang.
Julius: Maybe you were in the bathroom.
Tonya: I wasn't in the bathroom. I ain't hear it either. You hear the phone?
Drew: I didn't hear the phone. You hear the phone?
Chris: No, I didn't hear the phone.
Julius: Well, I answered it on the first ring.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, he didn't.