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‘Everybody Hates Easter’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Easter

314. Everybody Hates Easter

Aired March 23, 2008

Rochelle wants the whole family in church on Easter as she hopes to win the hat competition for the fourth year in the row. Chris has other plans as a newly-single Tasha invites him to her church pageant.

Quote from Julius

Drew: Hey, Dad. When you get done, can I have some more frozen peas?
Julius: Frozen peas? What are you doing Prince splits for anyway? Between bandages, frozen vegetables... and cleaning your suit, that's $14.86 worth of split. I'll bring your peas in a minute.

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother was wearing out shoes looking for a hat.
Vanessa: Rochelle, this is the sixth hat shop we've been to today.
Rochelle: Yeah, but they say this is the best hat shop in Brooklyn.
Vanessa: Why didn't we come here first?
Rochelle: Well, how would I know if it's the best hat shop if I didn't visit all the lousy ones first?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how Vanessa looked for a husband.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The biggest deal at our house on Easter was my mother's church hat because a church hat on Easter was like a gown at the Oscars.
[fantasy: Shaun Robinson hosts a Red Carpet special outside Julius and Rochelle's door:]
Shaun Robinson: Hey, girl! Here she comes. Rochelle? Rochelle?
Rochelle: Hi, Shaun.
Shaun Robinson: Oh, that hat is fabulous!
Rochelle: Thank you.
Shaun Robinson: Who is it?
Rochelle: It's a Sean Gianni Vermani.
Shaun Robinson: Love you, girl. You look fabulous!
Rochelle: Come on, Julius.
Julius: Oh, yes.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Julius, come back here. I need you to help me pick out my Easter hat.
Julius: I'd rather pick cotton.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It would be less backbreaking.
Julius: Rochelle, we've been doing this for months. Just pick one.
Rochelle: Julius, you just don't pick out a hat. A hat picks you. Okay, now tell me, which one of these will look better on me?
Julius: I don't know. Where's your dress?
Rochelle: I put it on layaway. It's not out yet. Ooh, which reminds me, I need ten dollars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother didn't put the dress on layaway because it was expensive. She just started planning for Easter at Thanksgiving.
[flashback:]
Chris: Mom, why is this cranberry sauce shaped like a rabbit?
Rochelle: Because I was testing out my new Easter molds. [holds a plate with a cross-shaped blob of gravy] Who wants gravy?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nobody!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was judging hats, Greg was judging me.
Greg: Don't you think it's kind of weird to have a date on Easter?
Chris: Less weird than not having a date ever. Besides, it's not a date. It's an opportunity.
Greg: I guess you're right. Maybe I should go back to church. You know, score some babes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Greg went back to church, the only one who hit on him was the priest.

Quote from Greg

Chris: It's just that Robert's out of the picture. If I'm ever gonna have a shot with Tasha, this is it.
Greg: I hear ya. Kick a man when he's down, that's what I always say.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the only time he ever said that.
Chris: Whose side are you on?
Greg: Yours. The guy's an idiot. I haven't even been on one date, and I know you don't break up with a girl before a holiday. A girl by herself on a holiday is like an ice-cream cone in hell. It ain't gonna be there very long. I know I always say this, but this time, dude, you truly are in there. Wait. Do you even know what an escort does?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I do, but this is a family show.

Quote from Vanessa

Hattie Mitchell: Oh, can I help you?
Rochelle: Yes. I'm looking for a church hat for Easter.
Vanessa: Not just a church hat. She needs the churchiest hat you've got.
Hattie Mitchell: Uh-oh, sounds like somebody's getting into a hat competition.
Vanessa: Oh, no, she's not getting into the competition. She is the competition. Rochelle is the three-time winner of the Double Rock on Zion's Holy Gospel Temple of Bethesda Christian Worship Baptist Church Easter Hat Show. Uh-huh. She's about to make it number four. Hello.

Quote from Tonya

Chris: What are y'all doing anyway? I mean, I thought you already dyed eggs for Easter.
Tonya: We did. These eggs are for the church egg hunt. Me and Drew are bringing extra so I can have a head start on winning.
Chris: That's cheating.
Tonya: Not if I don't get caught.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now Tonya uses the same logic when she does her taxes.
Chris: All right, but you better not let Mama catch you either.
Tonya: I didn't think about that.
Drew: Don't worry. I'll hide them in the refrigerator.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who'd think of looking for eggs there?

Quote from Tonya

Drew: We need to figure out a way to get these eggs to church.
Tonya: I got an idea. Come over here. This is where I hide all my stuff from mommy. Shh. Don't tell her.
[Tonya opens the back of a doll, removing an array of make-up]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope she doesn't have a gun in there.
Tonya: All right, put the eggs in here. Be careful. Now all I got to do is convince Daddy to let me bring my baby doll to church.
Drew: Cool.

Quote from Julius

Julius: I have to work today. I can go to the service, but after that I have to leave.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, he don't.
Rochelle: What are you talking about? Nobody works on Easter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He doesn't either.
Julius: Hey, what can I tell ya? I just got the call.
Rochelle: I didn't hear the phone.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never rang.
Julius: Maybe you were in the bathroom.
Tonya: I wasn't in the bathroom. I ain't hear it either. You hear the phone?
Drew: I didn't hear the phone. You hear the phone?
Chris: No, I didn't hear the phone.
Julius: Well, I answered it on the first ring.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, he didn't.

Quote from Rochelle

Preacher: Now I believe it's the best hat-off we've had in years. Does the church agree? [shouts of agreement]
All: Amen! Amen!
Preacher: Well, I see the judges have made their decision. For the past three years, Sister Rochelle has swept the competition.
Rochelle: Hallelujah!
Preacher: But this Easter, our newest member, Sister Hattie, brings a wealth of hat expertise and her awards, too.
Rochelle: Damn. Oops. I'm sorry. [shocked murmuring]
Preacher: But this year's winner and still champ is Sister Rochelle.
Choir: [sing] Her Easter hat won the hat show Rochelle's new hat, four years in a row She can't believe that she beat Hattie This Easter hat is the hat that made history Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh...
Rochelle: Where's Chris? Where's Chris?! Where's Chris?!
Chris: Here I am!
Choir: [sing] History... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unfortunately for me, that was a great Easter, except the wrong person came back after three days.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Growing up in Bed-Stuy, one holiday I looked forward to was Easter.
Tasha: That's two boxes of dye and a dozen eggs.
Chris: That it?
Tasha: Almost.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You were dressed up, girls were dressed up and it was a good day to pretend you were on a date. Since Tasha and I went to the same church, she was the perfect choice.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wasn't proud of it, but I prayed something bad would happen to him.
[fantasy: after Tasha and Robert kiss on the street outside, a meteor crushes Robert to death:]
Tasha: Oh, my God! Robert, how will I ever get over this?! [sobbing] Oh, I'll help you.
Chris: Yeah, I'll help you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I never got that meteor, but something almost as good happened.

Quote from Chris

Chris: You okay?
Tasha: It's nothing. Just forget it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Time to bust a move, Dumb MC.
Tasha: Chris, are you going to the Easter pageant with anybody?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, Lisa Bonet.
Chris: No. Why?
Tasha: Would you escort me?
Chris: Yeah.
Tasha: Great. It's a date.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tasha was on the rebound, so I made like Dikembe Mutombo.

Quote from Rochelle

Hattie Mitchell: You are Rochelle! I heard about you. I'm Hattie.
Rochelle: Hi, Hattie. Well, this is my friend, Vanessa. Well, how did you hear about me?
Hattie Mitchell: Well, I just joined your church, and I have been told that nobody can beat you.
Vanessa: You know that's right. You work here?
Hattie Mitchell: No, I own the shop. Thus the name.
Rochelle: Oh. Well, it's very nice. You have some really lovely hats. Um, do you have this one in a medium?
Hattie Mitchell: Oh, if I did, I wouldn't sell it to you.
Rochelle: What?
Hattie Mitchell: You see, I plan on winning the hat competition this year. And as much as I would love your business, I'd be a fool to sell you a hat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She told her.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, uh, Miss Hattie, thus the name, I don't know who you think you are, and I don't know...
Hattie Mitchell: No, I'll tell you who I am. I am the five-time winner of the Fort Greene Greater Faith Holy Baptist Temple of Divinity COGIC Easter Spectacular, and I have graced the cover six times of Hat Weekly waiting on the seventh. Isn't that right, Levin? [chuckles]
Rochelle: Well, Miss Hattie... here's a... a dime.
Hattie Mitchell: Oh, what's that for?
Rochelle: For you to call somebody who really cares. Yeah, because I'm going to... [claps] win that competition.
Hattie Mitchell: We'll see about that.
Rochelle: Oh, yes, we will. Come on, Nessa.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya and Drew were getting ready to become career criminals, I was getting ready for my date with Tasha.
Doc: Uh, Chris, if you look on that shelf over there, there's an ointment that'll help you with that.
Chris: Thanks, Doc, but I don't need any ointment.
Doc: So why you walking like there's something swollen, itching or burning?
Chris: Oh, 'cause Tasha asked me to escort her in the Easter pageant. So I'm practicing my walk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Walk like that in Bed-Stuy, you better run.
Doc: Why? She seen you walk before?
Chris: Yeah, I know. It's just that she just broke up with Robert. So if I impress her now, she'll forget all about him.
Doc: And you will stroll right in and be her new man.
Chris: Exactly.

Quote from Adult Chris

Doc: You think that's gonna work?
Chris: Why wouldn't it?
Doc: Because she's on the rebound.
Chris: Rebound?
Doc: Yeah. When you break up with somebody, the next person you end up with, they got you on the rebound. A person on the rebound will be with anybody just to forget the person they just left.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So who do you have to break up with to end up with Bobby Brown?
Chris: Well, if I got anything to do with it, she gonna forget all about him.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe if he hit her in the head with a brick.
Doc: Well, you got a whole day. You got plenty of time.

Quote from Adult Chris

Tasha: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Hey, Tasha, what's up?
Tasha: My grandmother just told me we're not going to our church this Sunday. She wants me to do the pageant at her old church in Queens.
Chris: Queens?
Tasha: Sorry.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Now let's go to commercial before I start cursing.

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