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‘Everybody Hates the New Kid’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the New Kid

309. Everybody Hates the New Kid

Aired November 26, 2007

Chris quickly makes a new friend when a second Black pupil, Albert (Kwame Boateng), starts at Corleone. Meanwhile, Rochelle is thrilled to spend their bigger-than-expected IRS refund.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Okay, now this is an easy one. Who was the only president to ever be impeached? Chris?
Chris: Uh, George Washington Carver? [laughter]
Ms. Morello: No, Chris. George Washington Carver was the Black peanut genius. And you should know that. Albert?
Albert: I don't know.
Ms. Morello: What do you mean, you don't know? Did you read the assigned material? You can read, can't you?
Albert: Yeah, I can read.
Ms. Morello: Well, then, there's no excuse for you not having studied. Now, I know you and Chris are having fun shucking and jiving together, but you should really spend more time studying...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Albert looked at her like he was about to get his third strike.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, you must be so happy. You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] More like Robert Perish when Dennis Johnson showed up.
Chris: Who's Larry Doby?
Ms. Morello: He was the second Black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie and more... strapping. With his strong shoulders and Nubian profile. His Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin. And the way he swung his bat. [giggles]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Forget jungle fever. She's having a jungle seizure.
Chris: Ms. Morello, are you okay?
Ms. Morello: Uh, yes. Anyway... after years of being alone and ostracized, you now have a soul brother. Somebody to talk jive with and to shoot dice with, to talk about being raised by MaDear with. Just seeing the two of you together would make your leaders like Dr. King and Uncle Remus proud. Oh, happy day! [giggles]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She might have been crazy, but she was right. I finally had somebody I could really relate to.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hey, wait, wait, wait, where are you going?
Chris: I'm going to go sit down.
Rochelle: No you're not. New couch, new rules. There'll be no eating on this couch. So that means no soups, no salads, no sandwiches, no ribs, no Cheerios, no Bazooka gum, nothing. If you fall asleep, keep your funky little feet on the floor. Put a towel underneath your face to keep the drool and the dribble from getting on my pillows. If you sit down, you cannot have any pens, pencils, markers, nothing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By the time I sat on the new couch, it was the old couch.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Y'all, go put that stuff in the kitchen. Bills, bills... more bills, junk mail. Internal Revenue Service? "We are pleased to inform you... estimated tax..." Refund? [gasps] Oh, my God.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A tax refund check is like a bonus for broke people. A bonus which my mother accepted with grace and class.
Rochelle: [on the phone] Kiss my ass, Visa!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Visa was actually the name of the lady who collected bills for MasterCard.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Anybody see Kate & Allie?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No!
Chris: No.
Greg: Well, Kate convinced Allie to accompany her to their 20th high school reunion where Allie found herself questioning her life's successes and failures.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It could have been worse... Greg never missed an episode of Murder, She Wrote.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: I've been hearing some pretty bad things about your new friend, Albert.
Chris: Like what?
Greg: People are saying he's not who he pretends to be. I mean, he's cool with you, but he's a jerk to everyone else.
Chris: You know, I think you're just jealous. Besides, what do you think other kids say about me behind my back?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think it starts with the letter N.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Name brand cereal is like crack to kids. And when Tonya and Drew opened that variety pack, they became snap, crackle and pop heads.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Give it, or I'm going to tell.
Drew: Tonya, you didn't even want the Frosty Flakes until I had them. Stop!
Tonya: So, you can eat Crazy Bran.
Drew: I'm not eating the Crazy Bran, Tonya. Stop!
Tonya: Stop! You're spilling it!
Rochelle: Okay! Give me those darn cereal! [empties the box into a bowl] I'm sick of y'all fighting over cereal. Every day, y'all... [empties another box] You need a life bigger that cereal! [empties a big box] It's cereal! [mixes it up] Now eat the damn cereal! [puts a spoon, small bowl and a carton of milk in the bowl]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Eat the Damn Cereal. Coming soon from Kellogg's.

Quote from Julius

IRS Agent: [nervous] Can I help you?
Julius: I've got a hypothetical question for you.
IRS Agent: Okay.
Julius: What are the chances that the IRS would demand a refund on a tax refund?
IRS Agent: Hypothetically?
Kill Moves: Hypothetically.
IRS Agent: Well, that hardly ever happens.
Julius: Really?
IRS Agent: Yes. Almost never.
Julius: Almost?
IRS Agent: Very rarely.
Julius: How rare?
IRS Agent: Uh, it's unlikely. I mean, it could take years if they ever even caught the mistake, but they probably wouldn't.
Julius: How probable is that probably?

Quote from Julius

IRS Agent: Did you cash the refund check?
Julius: Hypothetically?
IRS Agent: Yes.
Julius: No.
IRS Agent: Good.
Julius: But my hypothetical wife did.
IRS Agent: Oh.
Julius: Oh? Oh, hey, what's oh? What...?
IRS Agent: Well, if you got a larger than normal refund, um, it's possible you aren't aware of some benefit. Although the IRS takes a lot of money by accident, we usually don't give money away by accident. You'll probably be okay. Hypothetically.
Julius: Probably?
IRS Agent: Possibly. Maybe. I hope.
Julius: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wasn't the only one stressed out because of that refund.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I told you I'd be back.
Greg: Yeah, but for how long, Chris? For how long?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That concludes another episode of "As The Nerd Turns."

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The more time I spent with Albert, the more I found out we had a lot in common.
Chris: Did you see 227 this week?
Albert: Aw, man, how funny was that?
Chris: When Sandra pretended to be Mary?
Albert: Then Lester comes home and cold busts her?
Chris: Man, I love that show!
Albert: Me, too!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back then there were almost no Black shows on TV. Kind of like it is now.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Look, Rochelle, I had plans for that money, that didn't include spending it all on a couch.
Rochelle: But, baby, we got triple the amount that we were supposed to get.
Julius: Triple?
Rochelle: Yes!
Julius: But we were only supposed to get back $600.
Rochelle: I know, I know, and that's why I bought a little bit of something for everybody. I paid some bills for you, and I bought the couch for me, and I bought some variety cereal packs for the kids.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Wow, cereal. Careful, you'll spoil us.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: What are you talking about? We're together now.
Greg: Well, this doesn't count. I mean we don't even eat lunch together anymore. You haven't returned my phone calls. But hey, things can change, right?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is this a show about my childhood or an episode of Dr. Phil?
Chris: What do you want me to say? We have a lot in common. He gets stuff that you don't.
Greg: Like what?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sickle-cell anemia.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ms. Morello was right. Hanging out with Albert was cool. But I still felt bad about fighting with Greg.
Joey Caruso: There goes the neighborhood.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Besides, what's the worst that can happen?
[fantasy: An IRS seizure and recovery truck is outside the house:]
Julius: Where did they go...? What is go... Oh, my...
Chris: Dad, they took the TV.
Rochelle: Julius, they took my wigs. Ow!
Drew: Dad... They're taking Tonya.
Tonya: Ah!
Julius: [screaming] No!

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: [o.s.] Drew, give it!
Drew: [o.s.] No, I called the Chocalot.
Tonya: [o.s.] Mama, Drew took my Chocalots.
Rochelle: Both of y'all, get in here now. Julius, they driving me crazy behind this cereal.
Chris: Well, Drew did call the Chocalots.
Julius: I don't care who called what. It's too early for all this arguing. Drew, give your sister the cereal.
Drew: Fine. But tomorrow I call the Froot Loops.
Tonya: No, Ma, I...
Rochelle: Girl, don't press your luck before I knock the Rice Krispies out of you.
Drew: Man, who ate up all the Cereal Smack?
Julius: I called the Cereal Smacks. See? [eats] I called them.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Julius, what's wrong?
Julius: [sighs] I can't stop worrying about this refund. I mean, I keep having these nightmares the government's going to take all we own, and we have to end up living in the street.
Rochelle: That is not going to happen.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It happened to Redd Foxx.
Julius: How do you know?
Rochelle: 'Cause I'm not living in the streets. If everybody in this house has to get two jobs, we'll find a way to pay the money back.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Yeah, I can pick up some extra hours at Doc's.
Tonya: Do I have to get two jobs?
Rochelle: Well, if you want to stay here with two parents and two brothers, yes, you have to get two jobs.
Tonya: But what if I get one job, and I keep Daddy?
Rochelle: Girl, don't play with me.
Drew: Well, I could get a job as a bullfighter and get a paper route.
Julius: Boy, I'm not going to let you kill yourself out there on no paper route.
Rochelle: Chris, you take the paper route. Drew, why don't you find something else to do?

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Thanks for getting me out of detention.
Greg: Don't mention it. You'd do the same for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was right. I would. Because when it came to our friendship, we didn't see color.
Joey Caruso: Hey, Count Chocula. Hey, Captain Crunch.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Never would have happened if I had convinced Greg to wear Black face.

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