Tonya: So, did you go to your school dance?
Julius: Yeah, I took this girl.
Rochelle: What was her name again?
Julius: Her name was "I haven't spoken to her in 25 years."
Chris: Well, how was the dance?
Julius: It wasn't good. I hated the music. The food was strange. And, oh, yeah, I was the only Black guy.

Julius: Tonya, you know you're not to order anything in this house without checking with me or your mother first.
Tonya: But it said they were only for a penny.
Julius: Baby, you're old enough to know, no one's going to sell you seven Billy Ocean records for a penny.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They would today.
Julius: Look, you're going to have to be more careful about the things you agree to.
Tonya: Does that mean I have to return the records?
Julius: Well, I'd hate for you to have to give back your Mother's Day gift.
Tonya: So I can keep them? [Julius nods] Thanks, Daddy.
Julius: Yeah, but you're going to have to do a lot of chores for a long time to pay back that money.
Tonya: Yes, Daddy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She did one dish, and he called it even.

Rochelle: Look at all these great teachers they have.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She means White teachers.
Julius: If we send Chris to that school, what'll happen when Drew and Tonya graduate?
Rochelle: Oh, baby... Can't we just worry about that then? Can we just think about it?
Julius: I thought about it. And I'm smart enough to know we are too poor for Chris to be that smart.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now I'm rich enough to be stupid.
Julius: Sorry, man.

Rochelle: Explain yourself.
Julius: Rochelle, look, I want Chris to go to the school, but that's me spending money I don't have. Mixtapes are an investment.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unlike education.
Julius: Besides, I want to help my brother out.
Rochelle: You never help my brother out.
Julius: Are you kidding me? Since we've been married, he's eaten $12,038.12 worth of groceries. I'm helping him stay alive.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Amazingly, my mother didn't have a comeback for that one. [glass shatters] I stand corrected.

Rochelle: I don't want Tonya working. She's still a little girl.
Julius: This will be good for her. She'll be learning responsibility and plus, she'll be making a little money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What he really meant was...
[fantasy:]
Julius: She'll be making money. She'll be making money. She'll be making money and she'll be making money!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, I wasn't the only one who needed a new man on the job.
Mr. Omar: Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Julius. Exactly the man I was looking for.
Julius: Is everything all right?
Mr. Omar: Actually, I got a bit of a situation. You wouldn't know anyone looking for a job, would you?
[fantasy:]
Julius: Me! Me! I want a job! Me! Whoo! I want a... Me!
[reality:]
Julius: What kind of job? I mean, I might be interested.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If my father had been a rapper, his name would've been Snoop Jobby-Job.
Mr. Omar: Don't you already have two jobs? You want another one?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's like asking Amy Winehouse if she wants another drink.

Julius: You getting paid to do whatever keeps that woman happy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like James Brolin.
Chris: Why do I have to do that?
Julius: That's why they call it a "job," Chris. Apparently, you got it mixed up with a vacation.
Chris: There's nothing I can do?
Julius: Well...
[fantasy: Chris watches as a van pulls up next to Stacy, two men jump out, blindfold her and shove her in the back of the van before driving off]
Chris: Don't you think that's taking it a little far?
Julius: If it is, then it must not be that bad.

Rochelle: Tonya, that's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it?
Tonya: Oh, this boy gave it to me.
Julius: Well, give it back. You're too young to be getting gifts from boys.
Rochelle: [sighs] Julius, don't get carried away. It's just a plastic necklace.
Julius: Next it'll be a plastic bracelet, then a plastic ring. I want this to stop at the neck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He said that till she turned 35.

Julius: Who was that?
Rochelle: Gloria. She got a fever. She won't be able to watch the kids tonight.
Julius: What? Oh baby. I can't believe this. That was $150 worth of show tickets.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh. She's about to do a dramatic head turn. [Rochelle turns her head] Told you.
Rochelle: Show tickets? What about our anniversary?
Julius: Well, that's what I meant. We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets to celebrate our anniversary.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sidney Poitier had nothing on my father's acting abilities.
[fantasy:]
Host: And the award for "Best Husband Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset About Losing His Money" goes to... Julius!
Julius: Yes!
Host: Julius, ladies and gentlemen.
Julius: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father hoped some special treatment would end the silent treatment.
Rochelle: Julius, what the heck are you doing here in the dark?
Julius: I'm giving you your anniversary back.
Rochelle: Julius, this is amazing. You did all of this for me?
Julius: And there's more. I got you two tickets to Show Dogs tonight. I have to work, but you can take Vanessa.
Rochelle: Well, what about the kids?
Julius: Chris stayed with them the other night. He could take care of them again.
Rochelle: Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: you blew it once, don't let it happen again.